Thursday, April 2, 2015

B is for Bullshit

Okay so my subject matter today is bullshit. And I happen to know a lot about bullshit.

Now some people will tell you I know a lot about bullshit because I talk and write a lot of it. Which, of course, is a complete fabrication. I am, in fact, a highly studious author who takes her writing and research very seriously indeed. Indeed, the only thing I take more seriously is the need to pluck my facial hair on a daily basis.

So let's get on and talk about bullshit.

God, it stinks doesn't it?  I've lived in the countryside and it's not like ordinary cow shit which looks like this:

This is calf-sized cow shit. Barely detectable. Step in some bullshit though and you won't ever forget it.

Bullshit is way more odious. And about ten times the size of normal cow shit. It's like crap that's been sprayed from a cement mixer.  I know the academics and city dwellers amongst you will be curious why bullshit is worse than cow shit. Well, basically, it's because bulls are really angry *uckers. They are never content with one herd of cows to themselves - they always want more, more, more. They just want sex 24 hours a day and, if they don't get it, they take their anger out with projectile shitting. I've seen an entire herd of cows parting, like Moses parted the Red Sea, to try and get out of the way of a bull with a turtle's head.

Another difference between cow shit and bull shit is texture. Cow shit is pretty gross and sticky but bullshit is like quicksand: one foot in it and you can be sucked into it up to your neck. And I should know - when I was kid and out picking blackberries with my siblings I accidentally stepped in some and before I knew it I was being sucked down into this vile bottomless pit of shit. It was awful - if you've ever flayed around in a tonne of shit whilst inhaling it up your nose you'll know exactly what I mean. If it wasn't for the quick thinking of my siblings, who formed a human chain and attached themselves to a nearby tree, I'd have drowned in bullshit.

Anyway, I'm afraid, dear readers, that my hideous experience has stayed with me all my life and left me deeply traumatized. I can never forget the smell or sensation of bullshit up my nose. A few years ago I tried to overcome my trauma with counselling but the therapist wasn't very sympathetic - he said I was making up my problems. Honestly, what kind of therapist takes that sort of attitude? I should have reported him to his governing body. In fact, I would have done had not the very next day I slipped on some dog crap outside my house and was hospitalised for a year with memory loss. By the time I'd regained my memory it didn't seem so important - I was too busy reeling from the discovery I wasn't married to Daniel Craig.

Anyway, that's it for today. I hope you've found this post informative. And if you enjoy this kind of bullshit please check out my book for more bonkers stuff. Tomorrow is the letter C. If you want to throw your hat into the ring for a subject for me to write about please leave a comment!

You can see who else is doing the blogging A to Z Challenge HERE

27 comments:

  1. A lot of bloggers seem to post a lot of BS.

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Tossing It Out

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  2. Normally the hair in my ears stand to attention when I hear what I affectionately call street language but you made me smile! I love to smile!.I've got to find out what you did with A!

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    1. Welcome to my blog, Sharybary:) On the whole I try to avoid bad language - but every now and then I do let things slip a bit:D

      I am all for smiling and laughter. It's absolutely the best medicine.

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    1. That's because, I stupidly forgot that March has 31 days! So I posted my "A" on March 30th thinking it was April 1st so it's filed under March. Organisation is not one of my best strengths, Sharybary:D

      It's here http://www.janeturley.net/2015/03/the-blogging-to-z-challenge-letter-a.html

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    2. Yikes - I can't even get a link to work...it's filed under March!

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  4. Thanks for your post, I now know a little more about BS!

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    1. Excellent, Mike. I like to educate my readers:D

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  5. Ha ha! Now I can say I read about some BS :D

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    1. There's plenty of bullshit on this blog! Thanks for dropping by:)

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  6. Brand new follower here. Nice to meet you!

    This is hilarious. And it's actually the second post I've seen about bullshit today. What a great word.

    2015 A to Z Challenge Co-Host
    Matthew MacNish from The QQQE

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    1. Welcome to my blog, Matthew:) Somebody else wrote about bullshit? How annoying! I shall have to think of some even more unusual topics!

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  7. Hahahahaha! I'm totally hooked on your blog now. And curious about your book! What a hoot! Visiting from the challenge.

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    1. Welcome to my blog, Empty Nester:) The book I'm afraid is just bullshit in a longer length:D

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  8. That was the best BS (&dog poop) I've ever read, heard of, or failed to imagine! Thanks for the laugh.

    http://lovedasif.com
    http://glamofgod.com

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    1. Welcome to my blog, Drusilla. I'm delighted you enjoyed the bullshit!

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  9. Now I know more about bullshit than I ever wanted to. Yuck! I do know plenty about projectile pooping from my days as a penguin keeper. Boy, those little guys really knew how to let it fly. Worst stink ever? Might be cleaning out a two-month old nest full of poo and rotten fish with bleach.

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    1. Now that does sound truly disgusting, Tamara! I've never met a penguin keeper before. I am thrilled - the absolute best thing about the net is meeting people and discovering all their diverse backgrounds. A penguin poop cleaner is going to be up there as one of my top discoveries!

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  10. this is the first time I am smiling after 'seeing' BS :P

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    1. Excellent, Ina! Welcome to my blog:)

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  11. Thank goodness for your siblings forming a human chain! I'm wondering now if mine would have done the same ;)

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    1. I was sweet girl when I was young, Christy, and my siblings thought affectionately of me. And then I grew up:D

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  12. Fantastic! I live in a rural town and get to look forward to the cow shit sprinklers that will be fertilizing he fields soon. The smell isn't too bad after you get used to it, but it's a shock initially, because our first thought as we're driving by is "who let one?"

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    1. I have three sons, Kimberley. I am familiar with that conversation. LOL

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  13. I am not sure what you might post for C or E but I imagine that I will "hear" about F...Loved the post! I fear that D might be dingleberries so I will be back to check it out!

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    1. I haven't got a clue what any of the post will be about yet, Snarky Momma. But basically I tend to write any old crap (literally in this instance) which comes into my head. LOL

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I am always delighted to receive comments!