Posts

Showing posts from April, 2015

Blogging A to Z: Z is for Zachary the Inventor

Blogging A to Z: Y is for that Bloody Awful Noise Otherwise Known as "Yodelling"

Image
What I want to know is how do people in Austria and Germany live with all that unbearable yodelling echoing down the mountains, blasting around your head and giving you 24 hour non-stop migraines?

It's no wonder Hitler was insane. No doubt he spent a tortured youth being subjected to hours of incessant yodelling. It must have been like having severe tinnitus whilst simultaneously having your head trapped between two cymbals.
You know, I'm really surprised some great historian like A J P Taylor never came up with yodelling as a suggestion for the cause of Hitler's insanity.
So I'm going to change all that today. Now my historical credentials are excellent as I have a degree in History and this means that no one can challenge my expertise (much). The fact that I haven't looked at a history book for thirty years should be not be an issue as, luckily, I read The Daily Mail which keeps me up to date with all the latest facts and historical opinions.
So, in my capacity a…

Blogging A to Z: X is for X the Kissable Letter

Image
It's time for one of those really tricky letters;

X
Now in order to get some inspiration for this post, I went onto one of those online dictionaries to look at words beginning with X. Sadly, this left me rather depressed as I didn't know most of them which is a tad embarrassing because, at my age, I should probably know more x words other than Xmas and xylophone. Anyway since it's nearly 11pm and I am too lazy old to absorb new information, I've decided  I'm going to simplify the matter and just talk about the letter X all by itself! Hurrah. I love keeping things simple!
Okay, so X  by itself is often used as an abbreviation for "Kiss". Sometimes girlfriends end their texts, emails and letters with a X as a sign of affection but they never do that with a man unless they are in luvvvvvvv - otherwise it might give a man the wrong idea which might be a bit tricky if he turns out to be a Justin Bieber fan. Sometimes when women are really, really in luvvvvvv t…

Blogging A to Z: W is for W Words That Really Annoy Me

Image
Wizard

Whenever I hear the word "wizard" my brain goes numb. But if I hear it in combination with any of the following words: "Harry Potter," "Hermoine," Ron Weasley and "Dumbledore" I pray for spontaneous combustion. If I never see or hear the word "wizard" again it will be too soon.

Weight Watchers

Ugh. For obvious reasons.

Wig.

A word which strikes terror in every living women.

Warhammer

Warhammer is a war game played with model soldiers that cost an absolute fortune and is mind-numbingly boring on a par with Monopoly (see my "M" post.) The manufacturers of Warhammer also have the audacity to sell the soldiers unfinished which means long-suffering parents of Warhammer addicts have to spend hours gluing the ruddy pieces together or sponging paint off the furniture.


Wehrmacht

No particular reason. *cough, cough*

Whiskers

I dislike them on men. I dislike them even more on myself. When people mistake you for Popeye it can be very d…

Blogging A to Z: V is for Voters and Voting

So let's talk about voters and voting because it's been an interesting time lately in the US with Hillary Clinton announcing she is going to run for the presidency and in the UK where we are on the countdown to the next general election on May 7th.

In the US it is going to be fascinating to see how women vote and whether Hillary's gender will influence the way people vote in the same way that colour appeared to do so in the election of Barack Obama. Here in the UK, we are one step ahead in our recognition of female politicians with the reign of Margaret Thatcher as Prime Minister between May 1979 and November 1990. Mrs Thatcher's policies divided the nation and, over twenty years later, their legacies still ignite the most furious and vitriolic debates. However, there's no doubt, that whatever the disputes, Mrs Thatcher will remain one of the most significant politicians of the twentieth century. Her legacy as a women who challenged the status quo and won is even g…

Blogging A to Z: U is for U Cannot be Serious and Uranus

Image
Now I've been thinking over the blogging A to Z posts I've done so far and I've realised they've been a bit...well...how can I say it? Um...

Slipshod. And unintellectual.

Yes, that about sums it up. I think I peaked with the lazy posts yesterday because I actually fell asleep whilst writing my T is for for Thongs post. (That's completely true.) And I woke up at 11.24 pm and all I'd written was a couple of lines and posted a picture. So then I had to find a way to finish the blog post as quickly as I could before I missed the 12pm deadline.

So anyway, I feel a bit embarrassed by my lackadaisical manner especially as, on the occasions I've hopped around some of the other participating blogs, I've found some highly intellectual and informative posts.

So I've decided that tonight I should write something intellectual too. So I'm going to write about Uranus!

Okay, so Uranus is pretty big and round. It has lots of gas and is surrounded by rings.

Prett…

Blogging A to Z: T is for Thongs

Image
Brace yourselves, readers. This could be a shocking post, especially if you have delicate sensibilities, as I have been asked to write about a rather intimate subject.

Thongs.


In particular, I have been asked to write about this one:


Now, first of all, I have to state the obvious and what every respectable woman would say.

OH. DEAR. GOD.

Secondly, I have to say:

IS THIS FOR REAL?

Thirdly:

PASS ME THE BUCKET.

And finally, should you want this thong it is for sale, made to order, on Ebay in the US and so far the retailer has sold 94.

And now I must go to sleep with that disturbing that thought that there are 94 men who own this product.

I may have nightmares tonight.


You can check out the other Blogging A to Z candidates HERE.

Previous posts:
A is for Arses and Aidan B is for BullshitC is for Chinese Crispy Duck and the Conservative Party. D is for Diarrhea, Dinosaurs and Depauperation E is for Eulogy for the Earth F is for Ferrero RocherG is for Guns and Girls H is for Hope and Horny Je…

Blogging A to Z: S is for Snot

Image
Right, here we go. It's 10pm and I have a tube stuck up my nose and down my throat and I feel like this;



Consequently, it's possible this post is going to be very brief and even vulgar. This is because the tube shoved up my nose this afternoon has to stay in place for 24 hours and my nose has been running constantly since then. I've got through a week's supply of loo roll since about 4pm.

I'd post a picture of myself for some extra sympathy (who doesn't love a bit of TLC) but I'm vain and I'm not at my most attractive at the moment. So just imagine the gorilla above with earrings, a tube up his nostril and taped around his face and that's pretty much what I look like.

The hairy legs are almost identical too.

It's hard being a brunette sometimes. People don't realise what we have to go through. All that shaving and waxing is very tedious. I've never waxed my legs though - I'm too embarrassed at the thought that someone might see the w…

Blogging A to Z : R is for Random Musings

Image
Earlier this evening I asked my two youngest sons for suggestions for my "R" post.

"Reproduction," quipped Master Benedict.

Hmm...in hindsight if I could have put a bet on Master Benedict (who is 14 years old) saying "reproduction" I think I'd have won.

"Recession," said Master Jacob. (A sensible lad.)

So by request from my sons: recession and reproduction.

Now since it's already very late, I shall have to be succinct about these two subjects as I have a busy day tomorrow and need my beauty sleep. I'm also having a tube shoved up my nose in the afternoon which means tomorrow's post may well be entitled "snot."

So, keeping it short and sweet, here's my thoughts on the recession.

What a ghastly, ghastly business.

Right that's "recession" dealt with. Now here's my thoughts on reproduction:

What a ghastly, ghastly business.

Well the childbirth side is. The stuff that comes before is okay. But ideally I l…

A Day of Rest. Hurrah!

Image
So, if you've come here looking for my "Q" post - I've already done it! It's here.

The reason I've already done it is I forgot Sunday was meant to be a day off and posted it yesterday.

Doh.

So I shall take the opportunity to post a little more about the author fair and conference I went to on Saturday at Foyles Bookshop in Charing Cross Road.

Firstly, the good news is that I actually got there. And I was on the right day! (As opposed to many of my other appointments where I have arrived a week early/a week late etc etc.) The bad news is even though I caught an earlier train, the train service was doing the usual "leaves on line" business so I was late arriving at Euston. However, although  I was running slightly behind on my initial schedule, I decided I'd time to drop in a couple of my books to a publishing management company near Euston.

Unfortunately, I went to the wrong address.

Well I went to the right address but I didn't realise that …

Blogging A to Z: Q is for The Quest for Freedom

Johnny Potato said his prayers. Death was imminent. The torture chamber, where he'd spend the last few hours crushed between Archibald Onion's armpits and Serjeant Spud's groin, was rocketing to the top of the bag where Master Benedict was poised to launch Operation Shepherd's Pie.

Johnny glanced fearfully up through the clear plastic tub. He could see Master Benedict framed in the light, wearing an evil grin and a blooded butcher's apron.

"I'm going to dig out the eyes first. Then I'll peel them like apples and chop them up into little pieces," chuckled Master Benedict.

Johnny Potato gulped. He'd hoped for a quick and easy decapitation. But, no, he was going to be skinned alive by that vile and loathsome boy.

"It's every vegetable for himself now," shouted Sergeant Spud. "Charge!"

And with that, Sergeant Spud, Archibald Onion and Privates Cornelius and Marmaduke Carrot stormed towards the lid.

"Again!" cried …

Blogging A to Z: P is for Johnny Potato VC

Image
Now I have a  true "P" story to tell you folks tonight. (Believe it or not.) The story is about the potato you see below. I've called him Johnny and I've assigned him a place of privilege on my desk.


Now Johnny is no ordinary potato. He is a very special potato. He is a potato who has survived extremely hazardous living conditions with little access to air, food and water. He has survived sustained bombardment from heavy objects and missiles. He has survived daily verbal and physical abuse at the hands of the enemy.

Readers, if Johnny Potato was a war veteran he would be awarded the Victoria Cross for bravery. For Johnny has done what no other potato has done before and what no other living creature would dare to even attempt.

So what exactly has Johnny Potato done?

Johnny Potato has spent six whole weeks in the depths of Master Benedict's school rucksack.

Yes, that's right. Six whole weeks.

Johnny Potato went into Master Benedict's school rucksack on Mar…

Blogging A to Z : O is for Oranges

Image
I have been out all day in London at Foyles Book shop in Charing Cross Road attending a self-publishing event and book fair, so I'm afraid this is another (very) last minute pictorial post. On oranges. Yeah, I know - pathetic - but they were the first "O"s to spring to mind.

Anyway oranges are not just for eating and scented candles. I use mine for therapy. You know - like some folks listen to music or sing to wind down at the end of the day.

So I make models with my oranges. Here's my latest efforts.




Well I feel far more chilled now. Cool. Beats singing any day.

And so to bed!

You can check out the other Blogging A to Z candidates HERE.

Previous posts:
A is for Arses and Aidan B is for BullshitC is for Chinese Crispy Duck and the Conservative Party. D is for Diarrhea, Dinosaurs and Depauperation E is for Eulogy for the Earth F is for Ferrero RocherG is for Guns and Girls H is for Hope and Horny Jelly Men
 I is for Igloos, Ignorance and Iguanas  J is for Jason Statham …

Blogging A to Z: N is for No

Saying "No" is not always easy. People can get very upset when you say "No" abruptly. That's why I find it easier to soften the blow in tricky situations. Here's a few examples:

Q.  Do you fancy going to bed early? ( *cough, cough* )
A.  I haven't washed for three days but I'm game if you are.
Q.  Have you ironed my shirts?
A.  Which one were you thinking of?
Q. Can I have an Xbox One, Mum?
A. Is that for Christmas next year?
Q. Mum, will you pay my rent?
A. I'll have to ask your father but I warn you, he's in a bad mood.
Q. Mum, can we go on holiday this year?
A. It's not safe abroad. They don't have proper toilets and the people speak funny languages.
Q. Can we go to America then? I'm sure they have toilets and speak English.
A. You shouldn't believe everything you see on the telly.
Q. You know that story you tell about being related to the Queen. Is it true?
A. Yes.
Q. What about that story about you wrestling with an alli…

Blogging A to Z: M is for Moaning and Monopoly

Image
I've been thrown a few topics to talk about today and I've decided to plump for two: moaning and Monopoly.

So let's get straight on with the moaning. (It's a speciality.)
Monopoly must be the most boring game EVER. AS a child, I was often coerced into playing it but the truth is I would have preferred Russian roulette. Yep, if there had been a choice between 4 hours of Monopoly or a 1 in 6 chance of blowing my brains out I know which one I'd have chosen.
Now there are lots of hideously boring things about Monopoly. Chiefly, it is not played with real money. I mean who wants to play with fake banknotes? Not me. I want to play for the big bucks. I mean screwing your sibling over some fake paltry rental for The Strand can't possibly compare with the chance to screw him for a grand and blow his cash on some designer earrings. 
Here's another reason to dislike Monopoly - somebody else always gets to be the dog. When I was a kid I always wanted to be the cute lit…

L is for Love, Loss and Laughter

Image
This afternoon I was distracted by a ping on my email which heralded some disappointing news. It involved information about quite an upsetting loss. In the scheme of life it was not so great a loss that it is not recoverable from and it in no way compares to the loss of loved ones, pets, lovers, the loss of limbs or anything remotely so tragic. But it was nevertheless a "loss" and an untimely one at that.

Loss is a subject I deal with in my novel The Changing Room which may come as a surprise to those of you who have not read it, especially given its saucy hardback cover. But loss is a big part of our lives and I wanted to write an uplifting story about overcoming loss and moving forward; a tale that offered hope and inspiration to people going through difficult times - in particular middle-aged women, like myself, who are often torn between many roles and facing difficult choices.

Of course, we each have our own way of dealing with the traumatic times in our lives. For me, …

Blogging A to Z: K is for Kings and Kinkiness

Image
Kings and kinkiness are subjects I know a lot about.

Now before you jump to conclusions, the reason I know about these subjects is because I've studied history. And, as anyone who's studied history knows, kings have a habit of being kinky and have been dropping their pants at will since the dawn of civilization. 
The most notable of the kinky kings was, of course, King Henry VIII. Now I need to explain that the "VIII" is not just because Henry was the eighth Henry to sit on the English throne but because he was affectionately known amongst the royal circles as "Eight-Times-A-Night-Henry."

That's right. Eight times a night. And that's after a ten course meal and a flagon of wine. 
Anyhow, there have been many theories about the cause of Henry's death including syphilis, Type 2 diabetes and Mcleod syndrome. But the truth is - he died from exhaustion.

That's what happens when you have too many mistresses, six wives and you have to pull your tig…