Showing posts from October, 2013

Lattes, Mottos and Coffee Shops

Question: what's a motto?

Alrighty, let's first establish that a "motto" is not a new type of fancy coffee. Because if someone asked me would I like a motto I'd probably reply; "No, I'd prefer a latte, thank you."

You know, coffee shops confuse the hell out of me with all the different types of coffee and flavourings.They're popping up everywhere. We even have a barista bar at one the fancier tennis clubs we go to now which is revolutionary; I'm used to taking my own flask of coffee or paying fifty pence for coffee that's indistinguishable from liquid detergent. Anyway, at that particular barista bar, if I now ask for a coffee they look at me as if I've spoken a foreign language and I have to qualify my request:

"Yes, a coffee. A normal one: coffee, water. In a cup. Hopefully, delivered in less time it takes to watch an episode of Downton Abbey."

Question: Do you need a degree to be a barista?

Those barista bars look incred…

A Modern Life: A Cover Story

I have some writing news. My novel, The Changing Room, has been edited, re-drafted and is finally under submission. I'm very pleased with my story and hope that readers, men as well as women, will find it entertaining as well as uplifting. That said, I know it will be difficult to find an agent or publisher that is prepared to endorse a novel with strong comic elements. To this extent, if I haven't received any interest over the next couple of months I plan to self-publish in the new year. I believe, that given the opportunity, people would read more fiction with humour in it and, even though humour is subjective, I have yet to meet anyone who prefers crying to laughing.

In the meantime, in December I'm publishing a collection of short stories called A Modern Life. Many of the stories have been trialled on my blog and elsewhere on the internet. However, it also contains two previously unpublished stories which reflect the more serious side of my writing - a story about hom…

Thicke and Thick; The Opinionated Me

Over the last few weeks I have become addicted to the song Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke. I even dance (comically) to it. Consequently, my sons would like to fire me as their mother.

Now just in case you live somewhere remote (or in some imaginary world of fairies and unicorns) and haven't heard Blurred Lines here it is:

Oh boy, that is what I call a groovy rhythm! I can shake my booty to that. Watch out Beyonce; Mrs T is wired and live.

However, I do have something to say about the video which reminds me of the 1986 video of Robert Palmer's Addicted to Love.

It's AWFUL. ( I'm not even going to talk about the lyrics. Robin Thicke says they're about his wife to whom he's been married for twenty years, so let's just accept he can say what he want on that issue.)

Anyway, I really can't stand this fetish for women to make themselves look like whores all the time, and big superstars like Madonna, Rihanna, Christina Aguilera, Brittany Spears et al set no exam…

I like challenges!

I've revisited some old posts and rewritten them for the Readwave reading website as part of their weekly writing challenge competition. If you're new to my blog and haven't explored my old posts, here's an opportunity to read a couple of my posts, re-vamped, re-edited but just as stupid as ever. If you click on the pictures it will take you the stories on Readwave. Don't forget to share if you enjoy them. Thanks!

An Emergency Post

I have an emergency, readers. Yesterday, I made a truly horrifying discovery that has left me reeling with fear and racked with anxiety. Why?
I  have discovered I have a grey pubic hair.
I'm not sure whether this means my life is over or whether I need to get a Brazilian.
Any words of advice or comfort on this matter will be gratefully received.

Am I Cynic? The Problem of Plumbers

*Warning* Do not read this post if you are a plumber, married to a plumber, related to a plumber in anyway and, possibly, if you once had an affair with a plumber. If, on the other-hand  you have ever been overcharged by a plumber this post will probably appeal to you.

I think I've got more cynical as I've got older. I'm not sure if I actually like that trait in myself as it's nice believing everyone you meet has the best intentions, that firms might act in your genuine interests and tradesmen will do a good job without ripping you off.

Unfortunately, yesterday, I was in a cynical mood. It may have been the after-effects of being sold a dodgy packet of bread mix (see previous post ), or (perhaps more likely) because I'm a sour middled-aged harridan who's morphing into the kind of granny who rams shoppers with her electric wheelchair and bludgeons them with a pound of sausages as …

Another Baking Disaster

Cooking is not my strong point, as many of you know. However, even I reeled when I opened my bread-making machine and saw this:

I am not sure what I did wrong, readers - as I read the instructions on the packet very, very carefully.

If anyone's got any idea how I managed to mess up a packet bread mix then please let me know. (Just stick to the facts though - no need to dwell on competency issues.)

Ps -I should add that the bread-making machine is one of Mr T's "useful" gifts. I am still waiting for the ipad.

My Top Ten Worst Companies for Customer Service in the UK

No 1. Coming in with unrivalled incompetence at No 1, the pole position for continuous spectacular incompetence over a decade of bad customer service, during which I have been reduced to tears and almost suffered a fatal coronary through stress is... British Telecom. This is the company that purports to be a communication provider but has as much idea what the word "communication" means as your average slug. In fact, a slug would probably arrive at its destination quicker then the average BT customer service assistant can understand the phrase "It is not working."

No 2. Sports retailer Sports Direct. The major difference between British Telecom and Sports Direct is that Sports Direct don't actually engage in any communication at all. They don't have a customer service telephone line, they don't answer emails and basically don't do anything at all. Unless you have paid for your purchase through a third party like Paypal there's more chance of the …