Showing posts from February, 2013

The Absent Writer

I am absent from my blog as I am two chapters away from finishing the first draft of my novel. I shall, of course, be back relatively soon with insane amounts of intellectual debate and some masterful drawings.

Incidentally, I discovered whilst doing research for my novel that the next UK election is May 7th 2015 - assuming there isn't a vote of no confidence in the meantime.

In you live outside the UK let me just qualify that is a vote of no confidence within parliament - if it was up to the electorate the coalition would probably be out on their backsides by now. Personally, I want the coalition to stay in power so I can see if Cameron and Cleggy avoid shooting each other before their time is up. I rather like the idea of Cameron and Cleggy and pistols at dawn. My money would be on Cameron because frankly he's posher so he probably has a bigger pistol - despite the fact that Cleggy is always bragging.

Anyway, this fixed term of parliament is because of the Fixed Term Parliam…

Sore Fingers and Thumbs and a bad consumer experience

I have sore fingers and thumbs. They are bruised, battered and feel like scraggy leather. This is because over the weekend I have taught myself how to string tennis rackets using a collection of videos from You Tube and a few tips from Master Jacob who is qualified as a stringer but was more interested in his Xbox and therefore suffering from acute memory loss. Most of it I had to work out using my powers of deduction and elimination.

Thus it took me two whole days to string two rackets. That probably doesn't say much for my powers of the deduction. Let's just hope there isn't a serial killer in the village. Half of the population would be dead before I even raised the alarm.

So just four more rackets to go before the backlog is gone. Twenty Two years of diligent housework hasn't prepared me for this onslaught on my fingers. I think they may end up ripped and bleeding. I might even bleed to death. I think that would make a novel headline"Woman bleeds to death stri…

In Praise of Liz Hurley

You may remember that back in December I reported that whilst out Christmas shopping I forgot where I had parked my car in a large multi-storey car park - and that subsequently it took me a whole hour and the assistance of a security guard to find it.

Therefore, I was delighted to hear that actress, Liz Hurley, reported her car stolen in London's Mayfair last week - only for it to turn up in the exactly the same place she parked it four days previously.

Isn't it nice to know that celebs are human too? In fact, I feel kinda like I have one up on Liz now - I mean we're the same age and she may have the body, the money, the looks and Shane Warne as a boyfriend but when it comes to memory at least mine is only partially up shit creek. Liz's memory is obviously totally kaput - she didn't even remember where her car was at all - The Sun newspaper told her where it was because they'd photographed her leaving it.

Anyway, well done Liz. You made me feel a lot better tod…

Into the Final Furlong with Kevin Bacon

I have just killed off a character in my book. I think this means that I am into the final furlong of my novel.

Originally, I planned to kill off three characters and a family dog. However, I quickly decided the family dog getting run over was just gratuitous sentimentality. You see, I don't want my novel to be compared to a Kathy Reichs one. I once read one of her novels which started off with a jumbo jet crashing and the first thought that sprang into my mind was "Hey, ho this serial killer is pretty ambitious!" I then immediately checked the room for blow flies. And moths. And I kept a body count for the rest of the book: I think it ended up being abut 9,753, 467.

Talking of body counts, the other evening I watched the first episode of The Following, starring Kevin Bacon. It was fairly gruesome stuff: I had to watch some parts through my fingers. Fortunately they were still on my hand and hadn't severed off by a nutter sewing a dress out of fingers whilst citing V…