Wednesday, June 24, 2015

A New All Time Low for The Housewife Extraordinaire

Oh dear, dear, dear, readers, something terrible has happened in the Turley household and put my position as Housewife Extraordinaire up for serious review.

Now some time ago, I had to replace my washing machine. I can't remember exactly when that was so I reckon that's well over a year ago and probably closer to two years.

And last week the Good Mr T pointed out to me that, for all that time, I had only been putting the clothes onto wash on the rinse cycle.

I haven't, in fact, washed any clothes properly with detergent for nearly two years.

Oh God. This is a new low for me. That'll teach me to read instruction manuals without my glasses.

The funny this is I had noticed that some of Master Jacob's sweaty tennis shirts had come out of the machine not quite as fragrant as I'd expected. Unfortunately, I had put this down to the synthetic nature of the shirts. I'd even noticed that there didn't appear to much (or any in fact) soap suds in the machine. However, it still didn't click.

Anyway, it turns out it with there was nothing wrong with the tennis shirts or the quality of the detergent it was just my gross incompetence.

Mr T hasn't filed for divorce yet. But he has taken his shirts to the launderette.

Mr T's new attire. Don't you just hate it when someone keeps labouring a point?

Friday, June 12, 2015

Podcast excerpt of The Changing Room read by Simon Denham

Summer is upon us. (Well until about 10pm tonight when the thunderstorms and torrential downpours are due.) So I am out in the garden erecting fences with Mr T who is driving me mad off work.

An author's job is never done. Sigh. Expect the sequel to my novel in about 2020.

In the meantime, here is a excerpt of The Changing Room read by Simon Denham of Readers in the Know, a place where you can find lots of books that you might never otherwise discover. Simon reads from a selection of the books from Readers in the Know and you can find his frequent podcasts on itunes. If you sign up for notifications for books and offers via Readers in the Know there is also the opportunity to win a $100.00. Yay! That's my kind of competition - no having to think up a 25 word byline for a product you have no interest in. Just stick your name into a draw! What's not to like?

You can also follow Readers in the Know via Facebook.

I hope you enjoy the excerpt!

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

I wish I was Jason Statham

Wouldn't it be fantastic to be Jason Statham?

Now the reason I am saying this is because I don't like to be a depressed author so I'd rather pretend to be someone else if that stops me sinking into one of those boozy morbid phases authors are known for. Now there are a good many reasons why an author might be depressed, even one as buoyant as me. I might list some of those reasons in detail one day. However, yesterday was one of those days when I had to do some therapeutic acting. Yep, I pretended I was Jason Statham pulverizing some no-good con artist into a pulp. (In my imagination obviously - Mr T wouldn't be too happy about me kicking his butt and demolishing the kitchen)

Rather like this:

Now you may wonder what brought on this rather bizarre behaviour.

Well, it was because yesterday I discovered that one of my books which had been won in a book giveaway and which I had sent to the winner (personally inscribed and beautifully gift-wrapped) was for sale on Ebay.

I was as a mad as hell. Oh yes.

Now I was kinda hoping that my short story collection was going to a book lover who might even enjoy my stories enough to review them. Sadly, that was the not case. The winner was obviously someone who enters numerous competitions and sells his winnings off to line his own pockets.  Unfortunately, this revelation came on the back of discovering that my books (and indeed many other authors' books) are being illegally used all over the net on scam/piracy sites to con readers out of the personal details, infect computers or defraud authors of earnings.

Oh, and let's not forget the book reviewers who supposedly can't get their digital files to work, request an Amazon copy from you and instantly return it so they can fleece money out of you. They probably don't think we notice - but we do.

Anyway, let's not go into all the sordid details. It's not a pretty place. Let's just stick to this latest incident. Now I mentioned what I discovered yesterday on one of my writing forums and some of my writing friends took a very liberal view and said this particular gentleman night well be selling my book for charity or simply because he'd run out of room on his book shelves. One even quoted Francis of Assisi to me.

Obviously I have some very generous-spirited writer friends. Kudos to them for them for being so kind-hearted. Unfortunately, I am a bit more of a cynic.

The bottom line is authors are getting ripped-off all over the net. There is a whole industry scamming authors and very few authors are in the position to do anything about it without investing a lot of time and money. The lack of morals among some of these scam artists is truly astounding. Perhaps the success of authors like J K Rowling, Stephen King and E L James has left the impression that all authors are flush with cash when the truth is the exact opposite. In fact, most authors have virtually no income at all from their writing and support themselves with other jobs or are supported by partners or live on the breadline. But this is more than about loss of income. It is about the sheer lack of respect for the law and for authors who may have taken years honing their skills and writing their novels. It's callous, selfish, illegal and immoral behaviour. Obviously my latest experience was not illegal one - but it still leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth.

So a word of warning for anyone who thinks becoming an author is a one way ticket to fame and fortune - it's not. Do not go into publishing unless you a have a very,very thick skin. Because I assure you - you will need it. Be prepared to be rejected, humiliated, scammed and cold-shouldered more times than you can ever imagine.

Anyway, yesterday was a bit of a milestone for me. I decided I am going to start fighting back. So the first thing I am gonna do is write a movie script where the lead role is a frustrated author (played by Jason Statham) who take his kick-ass revenge on pirates, scammers and sour-puss reviewers who fleece money and books out of authors with no intention of ever reviewing.  I haven't decided what the title will be yet but here's some possibilities:

Trial by Author.

Kick-Ass Author

Revenge of the Unholy Author

The Author and The AK47 Submachine Gun

Lethal Author

Taken (by an Author)

Fuck You Mother-Fucker Scammer

The Expendables 4 -  The Book of Judgement. (Statham, Stallone, Schwarzenegger take on a piracy cartel and shoot the fuck out of them.)

Well you get the idea. It'll probably start something like this:

Now just to end with I want to thank all of you who have purchased, reviewed or sent me messages about my books. Without you it would be hard to keep up my enthusiasm for writing. I truly appreciate you support.

The music in the video is Volatile Reaction by Kevin MacLeod ( 
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
Thank you, Kevin.

*Usual Mrs T mania will resume shortly*

Monday, June 1, 2015

Gimme a by-line

So last week was half term in the UK and I was out and about with the boys attending tennis tournaments and cricket matches so not a lot of writing was done. In fact, a big fat zero! However, in between all the dashing around I did spot this at the bottom of my drive.

I need evidence.

It rather tickled me. Someone at Sky obviously has a sense of humour - or they're very overconfident about their customer service. You'd never see a statement like that on a BT (British Telecommunications) van - it would cause riots in the streets.

Now here's my question to you:

What should the by-line be on a British Telecommunications (BT) van? Expect some answers from me in due course. In the meantime, for a Mrs T BT rant, I suggest reading this post.

My Nominees for the US and UK Elections and Other Waffle

It's the early hours of the morning, and I have had a large gin... Late-night alcohol is always a good recipe for writing gibberish. And...