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Showing posts from June, 2013

Friday Toilet Humour

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So it's officially summer which means the cricket and tennis seasons are in full swing and I am spending even more time with my boys ferrying them around training or competing at tennis and cricket. Hardly a day goes by when I do not have some sort of sporting commitment although yesterday I had a day off to go to Wimbledon and watch Juan Martin Del Potro and Novak Djokovic on centre court. And very nice young men they were too. There are some benefits to being a tennis and cricket mum - not many I admit - but eyeing up young men's bottoms is one of them.

A Public Declaration of Intent

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There are 52 weeks in a year.

This is the 26th week of the year so far.

Accordingly, I am about to start my 26th diet of the year.

So in order that I achieve any weight loss I am now making a public statement of intent in the wild hope that it will shame me into some weight loss. Currently, I am living under the fear that should I need to produce an author portrait for my novel I will have to use Photoshop because otherwise everyone will think my novel has been written by a very creative elephant.

I am not a Thai Lesbian!

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Just for my own sanity I would like to publicly inform all the social networking sites that I am not a Thai lesbian.

Furthermore, I do not require a date with a Thai or Filipino lady of dubious background and I do not require them to do my household chores. (I have a husband to do that.)

Ten Gifts for Children to Buy for Father's Day

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It's Father's Day tomorrow and I'd like to recommend to all you mothers kiddies out there some gifts for your dad.

Here we go:
1. A four pack of beer. If the shopkeeper won't let you buy it you might just get away with 4 cans of shandy if you're over three and half years old. Alternatively, buy four cans of lemonade, wrap them in special paper and just enjoy that moment of satisfaction when his delight turns to despair.
2. Buy him a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey so he can fantasize that all twenty one year girls talk like Batman, drop their knickers at the mere mention of sex and are even prepared to swallow. Male bliss.

Our Pathetic British Education System: Yet Another Educational Rant.

I have never been more despairing of the British Education system than of this afternoon.

It is an absolute shambles. It is a disgrace to our country and it is criminal what the system is doing to bright, intelligent children.We are producing generation after generation of children who will not fulfil their potential and some who can barely read or write.

I am an internet slob!

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If  "procrastination" was a name it would be mine. But it's not. However, I am thinking of changing my blog sub heading from "The often dubious, politically incorrect and mainly humorous musings of Mrs Jane Turley, Housewife Extraordinaire" to:

The often lazy, socially inept and mainly slothful musings of Mrs Jane Turley, Procrastinator Extraordinaire.

The Best One Liner Yet

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As some of you are aware Master Benedict has a habit of producing some admirable one liners. This afternoon as we were travelling to tennis he produced his best yet...

Graveyard Tales: A Taste of Slapstick Fiction

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“Good Morning, Douglas. I see you’re up to your neck in it.”
“I didn’t hear you sneaking up on me,” said Douglas, tossing a shovelful of soil out of the grave and grinning as he saw Sister Lillian weaving her way through the headstones towards him. “I doubt if I pretended I was the Lord Jesus rising from the dead that you’d be shocked,” replied Sister Lillian, reaching the edge of the new grave and looking down at Douglas’ handiwork. “I don’t know how you do this job without getting the heebie jeebies.” Douglas took a breather and admired Sister Lillian’s shapely legs which were uncommonly good for a woman of sixty-three. “There’s nothing that’ll scare me,” boasted Douglas, propping his spade up against a muddy embankment. “I’ve seen just about everything. Besides, I’ve the lovely Sister Lily to bring me refreshments. What more could a man want?” “Indeed,” laughed Sister Lillian, passing down a mug of chocolate and a blueberry muffin which Douglas gratefully accepted. “You know, I’ll never …