|If you're lucky Mum will already have her own fat suit. Dad will revel in finding new, unexplored places. Possibly.|
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Ten Gifts for Children to Buy for Father's Day
It's Father's Day tomorrow and I'd like to recommend to all you
mothers kiddies out there some gifts for your dad.
Here we go:
1. A four pack of beer. If the shopkeeper won't let you buy it you might just get away with 4 cans of shandy if you're over three and half years old. Alternatively, buy four cans of lemonade, wrap them in special paper and just enjoy that moment of satisfaction when his delight turns to despair.
2. Buy him a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey so he can fantasize that all twenty one year girls talk like Batman, drop their knickers at the mere mention of sex and are even prepared to swallow. Male bliss.
3. Write to Geri Halliwell of The Spice Girls and ask for her autograph. When Dad takes you all down to the pub for the Father's Day Annual Nightmare Sunday Lunch and he shows it off to his mates also there for their Annual Nightmare Sunday Lunch you can enjoy that moment of satisfaction when his joy turns to despair when they all produce Cheryl Cole's autograph.
4. A lovely shiny new remote control. If you haven't saved up enough pocket money you can buy a pretend one from the toyshop. In fact, I positively encourage that just so you can revel in that moment of satisfaction when his delight turns to despair.
5. It goes without saying you should always consider socks but as your nine month baby brother might have first refusal on the sock option then why not be creative and get one up on your lazy sibling by making your own pair. Parents always really appreciate hand made gifts so try to be as creative as possible -ask Mum for some sandpaper, some old underpants and some dried peas. Then relax and enjoy that moment of satisfaction when dad is forced to delight in wearing them for the rest of the day.
6. Buy a subscription to Sky. Enjoy that moment of satisfaction when his delight turns to despair when you tell him you couldn't afford the sports channel.
7. Draw your own picture of a steam engine. Your dad will be delighted you share his same autistic traits.
8. Volunteer your mother to perform sexual services. This is a cheap option but a fairly common one. So suggest to your Mum she needs to liven things up for his special day. Suggest she wears a fat suit to make it more fun for dad trying to find his way in. If mum already has a fat suit of her own you'll save on the hiring costs.
9. If you're really low on pocket money just make your own card and write inside in big letters I LOVE YOU, DADDY. Your dad will be thrilled and may, in fact, reward your ingenuity by delving into his pocket for some cash. If he does do this - stick with this idea for all birthdays, Christmas presents and any other opportunity you can think of. Don't forget to set up a Swiss bank account.
10. Buy him a life size poster of Oprah Winfrey. Enjoy that moment of satisfaction when he realises you don't understand sarcasm.
My short story Fantasia is free to download as an ebook on Kindle for five days. Please feel free to share with friends and anyone who might...
Friends, Romans, Bloggers lend me your ears! ’Cos the Mad Housewife needs to change her blog name. I know, I know, I should have done my ho...
Well. It’s about time I wrote another post; I’m sure you must all think I’m a lazy good for nothing housewife who sits nibbling chocolate ch...
Now Mrs T has a little announcement. Firstly, no, I’m not pregnant! In fact, I’d rather smear myself in lard and climb in the Lion’s den at...