Saturday, June 15, 2013

Ten Gifts for Children to Buy for Father's Day

It's Father's Day tomorrow and I'd like to recommend to all you mothers kiddies out there some gifts for your dad.

Here we go:

1. A four pack of beer. If the shopkeeper won't let you buy it you might just get away with 4 cans of shandy if you're over three and half years old. Alternatively, buy four cans of lemonade, wrap them in special paper and just enjoy that moment of satisfaction when his delight turns to despair.

2. Buy him a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey so he can fantasize that all twenty one year girls talk like Batman, drop their knickers at the mere mention of sex and are even prepared to swallow. Male bliss.

3. Write to Geri Halliwell of The Spice Girls and ask for her autograph. When Dad takes you all down to the pub for the Father's Day Annual Nightmare Sunday Lunch and he shows it off to his mates also there for their Annual Nightmare Sunday Lunch you can enjoy that moment of satisfaction when his joy turns to despair when they all produce Cheryl Cole's autograph.

4. A lovely shiny new remote control. If you haven't saved up enough pocket money you can buy a pretend one from the toyshop. In fact, I positively encourage that just so you can revel in that moment of satisfaction when his delight turns to despair.

5. It goes without saying you should always consider socks but as your nine month baby brother might have first refusal on the sock option then why not be creative and get one up on your lazy sibling by making your own pair. Parents always really appreciate hand made gifts so try to be as creative as possible -ask Mum for some sandpaper, some old underpants and some dried peas. Then relax and enjoy that moment of satisfaction when dad is forced to delight in wearing them for the rest of the day.

6. Buy a subscription to Sky. Enjoy that moment of satisfaction when his delight turns to despair when you tell him you couldn't afford the sports channel.

7. Draw your own picture of a steam engine. Your dad will be delighted you share his same autistic traits.

8. Volunteer your mother to perform sexual services. This is a cheap option but a fairly common one. So suggest to your Mum she needs to liven things up for his special day. Suggest she wears a fat suit to make it more fun for dad trying to find his way in. If mum already has a fat suit of her own you'll save on the hiring costs.

If you're lucky Mum will already have her own fat suit. Dad will revel in finding new, unexplored places. Possibly.

9. If you're really low on pocket money just make your own card and write inside in big letters I LOVE YOU, DADDY. Your dad will be thrilled and may, in fact, reward your ingenuity by delving into his pocket for some cash. If he does do this - stick with this idea for all birthdays, Christmas presents and any other opportunity you can think of. Don't forget to set up a Swiss bank account.

10. Buy him a life size poster of Oprah Winfrey. Enjoy that moment of satisfaction when he realises you don't understand sarcasm.


  1. Always an enjoyable read Jane.
    You don't recommend anything to do with cricket or tennis, why not?

    1. Thanks, Sue:)

      I don't know - never thought about it. I don't actually think too much about my silly posts - it's whatever pops into my head first!

  2. There seems to be a lot of delight turning to despair in your suggestions. Do I sense a theme here? Number 8 is just too awful to contemplate, although very funny.

    My wife is the steam train enthusiast in the family. Does that make her autistic?

    1. I'm just a sour, middle aged woman, Martin. Male despair is amongst my cheap thrills:))

      Only you know the true depths of her autism, Martin. I am not one to judge. (much) She maybe just flitting with it like some women dabble with upholstery and macramé before they realise life is too short - or she may have a serious problem. I recommend assessing how much delight she shows at the sound at of a steam engine whistle - if it is overly excessive you have a problem on your hands:)))

    2. She's way beyond the sound of a whistle, Jane. We actually ride on them and poke about the engine sheds as well.

      Is there any hope?

    3. Oh. Dear. God.

      I'm afraid not, Martin. You might as well cave in now and buy her the striped dungarees and the boiler cap. It's all down hill from now on. You have my deepest sympathy:))

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  5. Some autistic children speak incoherently, mumbling words or phrases with no meaning. And some will repeat their words or phrases over and over; this is called echolalia. Bullying


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