Thursday, June 26, 2008

A plague, a plague upon Mrs N !

I haven’t mentioned Mrs N before. Now I am. She is driving me Crrazzzy; let me explain. Mrs N is a fellow tennis mum who has identical teenage twin sons who are exceptional at tennis and often coach the Young Masters. Mrs N likes to flaunt her handsome sons with their lithe figures and long legs at me. She is an evil, evil woman; almost as wicked as Mrs A! (But that’s just not possible.) Now, Mrs N is even more enthuasstic about tennis than Mrs T, which on the one hand is very good, and on the other hand means she NEVER stops emailing me about the subject. Now as Mrs T is editor of the tennis club newsletter Mrs N emails her almost daily with article upon article until Mrs T, overwhelmed by work and at the point of a nervous breakdown sent Mrs N this email (edited for politeness);

“Mrs N…, no, no more!! Mrs T will hang herself! Do you want to be responsible for the death of a mad middle aged woman?????? (Dishonest answers accepted.)

To which Mrs N responded;

“Oh Mrs T!!!!! How slack of you. Do moan out loud about the amount of info that you have been requested to include in the next newsletter, because it will support my request to have it published at more frequent intervals. And if you don’t, I will make sure that even more stuff comes your way for the next one!”

Now if that wasn’t bad enough this morning at 6.00am I find two more emails from Mrs N – one more stuff about tennis and A TAG. Where does Mrs N think I get all the time to do this stuff? !! Anyhow, just because it’s Mrs N, I’ve done it anyway… and now Mrs N ...Can the Masters have a free lesson with the twins as a reward for the poor, poor overworked Mrs T……..

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6. 00 am. I don’t sleep much. I’d like to sleep more but my brain’s usually tick, ticking over. Either that or the cat is attacking me, my bladder has failed (again) or Mr T is snoring so loud the walls are reverberating. I like the peace of the early morning; I often wake as soon as the birds begin to sing. This morning, feeling refreshed, I opened up my PC in solitude…. and saw Mrs N’s emails ..suddenly the room became dark and foreboding…

2. Diamonds or pearls? Most definitely diamonds! One has to be over 65 to wear pearls says Mrs T,( taking her pearls off and putting them in the drawer.)

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Indiana Jones; bit of a disappointment folks. Harrison Ford was looking kinda… baggy. And I’m not just talking about his trouseurs.

4. What is your favourite TV show? Top Gear; it’s silly; I like it.

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? It varies; I’m no good at being consistent but at the moment I’m having a run on muesli bars. Wow, that sounds healthy! Shame about the buttery croissant after eh?

6. What is your middle name? Andrea. My mother and father went really wild choosing this name! All the other family names are sooo boring; except for my elder brother’s confirmation name which is BEDE. Yeah, and when you stop laughing you can send him a sympathy card ... or some matching earrings.

7. What food do you dislike? Chick peas. They taste too dry. My friend, a veggie, made some chick pea fritters at college and everyone left them except Mrs T who felt she should eat them because she knows how it hurts when people turn their nose up when you made a special effort…. A big tear runs down Mrs T’s cheek. Boo Hoo.

8. What are your favourite CDs at moment? This Love, a compilation album of unsurprisingly…love songs. Jamiroquai; High Times (funky stuff to dance to). Rod Stewart; Great American Songbook. I play them on my lap top sometimes, but at the moment I’m waiting for the builders to repair the damage from my last hip hop dancing around my PC session. (Placed strategically in the centre of the room like handbags at a disco.)

9. What kind of car do you drive? Everyone knows already! A deadly one armed with submachine guns, missile launchers, laser tracking, flame throwers and small dangerous children; it’s unique. And it’s available free with a delusional mind! Yippee!

10. Favourite sandwich? Tuna and salad with seeded brown bread. Yummy. Yummy.

11. What characteristic do you despise in others? Hmm, tricky…. Lack of compassion, selfishness and frugality where there’s no need for it. I like generosity in people and that need not necessarily be with money.

12. Favourite item of clothing? My supersize, hold everything in, fully enforced, nucleur protected, lycra granny knickers; what absolute life savers! Bridget Jones’ knickers are for mere novices.

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Egypt; I’d love to see the pyramids; all that history in one place! What fun it would be to be locked inside and see if you could find your way out before you suffocate! I love the thrill of a real challenge! I’d also like to do a tour of The Western Front; providing I don’t step on an unexploded bomb which would kinda ruin it……

14. Favourite brand of clothing? I’m really not that fashion conscious so I’m not bothered about brands. Even if I was fabulously rich I don’t think I would waste much on Designer Labels; there are too many people starving in this world to warrant spending thousands on dresses. I like value for money, I suppose.

15. Where would you retire to? I was brought up the sea, so I’d like to go back to somewhere coastal; I love the sound of crashing waves, the brisk air and salt lingering on the breeze.

16. What was your most memorable birthday? 1987. It was the day The Herald of Free Enterprise sank, killing 193 passengers and crew; it didn’t seem right to celebrate when so many people had died.

17. Favourite sport to watch? Tennis; it’s a superb game of mental and physical agility; pity about those baggy shorts though; gals my age need something to lighten our lives. I love Cricket too because I spent a lot of my youth watching it on lazy Sunday afternoons with my father. It’s a great relaxing sport as an observer and is quintessentially English.

18. Furthest place you are sending this? I don’t know; all around the world!

19. Person you expect to send/post it back first? No idea. Surprise me.

20. Favourite Food? Stupid question; chocolate!

21. When is your birthday? 6th March; somebody remind Mr T next year!

22. Are you a morning person or a night person? Both. But those Duracell batteries are rather expensive you know.

23. Shoe Size? 5 give or take a foot.

24. Pets? 3 black cats; I’m actually a witch only I don’t use a broomstick.(Out of principle) I’ve got a jet pack; so much easier for getting around.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Um… Last Friday I bought a digital skipping rope! I burnt off 47 calories in 5 minutes. Another 6 years and maybe I’ll be the size I used to be. Alternatively, I might have died from a heart attack.(I'm guessing that's the more likely of the two options.)

26. What did you want to be when you were little? An actress, thespian or luvvie; call it what you will. No one hams it up like Mrs T. I'm planning my own funeral...where I jump out of the coffin and say "Fooled You!"

27. How are you today? Suffering from chocolate withdrawal symptoms Ahhhhh… I’ve had none since the acquisition of the skipping rope… but suddenly now I’m feeling kinda peckish…. Damn you Mrs N for reminding me! I fear the skipping rope may suffer a sudden and unexpected encounter with a sharp knife.

28. What is your favourite candy? Need I say? Really you should know by now! (I should point out that "candy" is not an expression commonly used in the UK, we tend to say " sweets" or "chocolate." " "Candy" is something we would normally reserve for small babies in order to keep them quiet; ie George Bush.)

29. What is your favourite flower? Oh, so many beautiful flowers in this world…I’ll have to settle for a rose, so pure, fragrant and delicate just like Mrs T. (Ho hum) It also has very sharp thorns.

30. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? The day I’m thin again! It’s possible it could be in year 2030... or even sooner when those Magic Glasses arrive. I'm also looking forward to the day Baby Sy is born so I can email Master Sy and gloatingly say "Ha, ha, no more sleep for you matey boy and good luck with the broccoli puree!"

31. What is your favourite thing about yourself, not physical? I can laugh at myself. So do others.. but it's not my fault my head got stuck in the door.

32. If you could do it all over again - what would you be when you grew up? Probably a doctor. I have had too many bad experiences with sick relatives; I’d rather trust my own judgement. And also I like those stethoscopes; I've got one of those kiddy play sets and I just love playing Doctors and Nurses with it.

33. What are you listening to right now? Silence is beautiful. But I’d rather listen to the rustle of sweet wrappers.

34 What was the last thing you ate? A solitary grape. Damn!

35 Do you wish on stars? No. Whilst I believe in fate to a certain degree, I don’t believe in making wishes. You can make your own future if you want to but that’s easier said than done. I once had a mirror crack in front of me – if I believed in that sort of bad luck I could have ended up being a bit nutty which obviously I’m not. I’m completely sane.

36. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Green; the colour of nature; it’s relaxing. Brown would be useful though, just for those occasional doodles of truffle. Blue is useful too as it covers up the scratches on the car rather nicely.

37. How is the weather right now? Mrs T Looks out of window…pretty good! Still, I bet I can avoid putting that washing out anyway…… I love the sound of that tumble dryer…so therapeutic…

38. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Mrs B (Ford focus mum); Mrs T had accidentally picked up Mrs B’s son’s book bag last night and took it home with her. A bit like on Monday when she took Mrs DB’s tracksuit top.( Did I tell you I’ve got kleptomaniac tendencies?) I promised to return it the next day when Mrs DB would come specifically to the tennis club to collect it. However, I forgot it. Oh dear! Mrs DB looked most perturbed - so Mrs T cheered her up by reminding her that Mrs T had mistaken Mrs DB’s top for Master Jacob's top (who is only 9 ) - which is clearly an UNJUST situation as last time someone picked up Mrs T’s tracksuit top they’d thought it was a circus tent.

39. Favourite soft drink? I like variety so I don’t really have a favourite but on a hot summer’s day I do like a cold lager and lime in a chilled glass. Wait a minute that’s not a soft drink…. Elderflower cordial is nice but I rarely drink ii. Oh, I also like a J20 Apple and Mango.

40. Favourite restaurant? The Lavang. It’s a fairly local Indian Restaurant, the food and service is great, the head waiter is absolutely gorgeous and what’s more they deserve my support as there’s been some unpleasant behaviour amongst some locals which Mrs T does not approve of. In fact Mrs T is very cross indeed; she is even tempted to get out her custard pie launching MK42.

41. Hair colour? Sexy brunette; it’s the hint of grey that does it. Obviously, being brunette I’ve got a lot of brains- unfortunately they’re located in my bottom.

42. What was your favourite toy as a child? It was probably actually a book rather than a toy;

The Little Princess by Frances Hodgsen Burnett. My grandmother read it to me; they were special times. When she died it held sad but lovely memories for me.

43. Summer or winter? Neither; Autumn. I love the subtle sensations of an autumn evening, the dampness of leaves on the ground, the mustiness in the air, the red and ochre leaves. The melancholy.

44. Hugs or kisses? Hugs generally. But you know there’s moments when a kiss is just the right thing….Mmmmmm... ..( Mrs T quickly hides poster of Pierce as Mr T enters the room.)

45. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate is best but when they're together I’m in ecstasy….

46. Coffee or tea? I like both equally but only if they’re made just as I like them. If I’m out I’ll generally drink coffee as tea is soo easy to get wrong. I particularly dislike tea made by dipping the tea bags in a cup. Oh, how uncouth! I’m a proper English gal; I like it from a pot with a china cup and saucer.

47. Do you want your friends to email/post you back? Hey, only if you want to!

49. What is under your bed? Mr T has gone to work, so it’s safe for Pierce to come out. (His poster obviously)

50. What did you do last night? I spent 2.5 hours at the local farm helping with a party.(Instant headache.) Then I warmed up Spaghetti Bolognese which being in one of my(very) rare efficient moods I had made earlier, put the kids to bed and while Mr T watched The European Cup did a little catching up on my favourite blogs and emails. Not very exciting but I didn’t feel I should let on that I spent the evening with Kevin Costner in the back of a taxi. ’Cos I know you ladies out there would be deadly jealous.

51. What are you afraid of? Americans changing their constitution so Arnold Schwarzenegger can become president,(although frankly I think it would be very exciting), George Bush getting out his cowboy suit and plastic guns, Gordon Brown changing his name to Gordon White which would be particularly silly, a world chocolate crisis, Marks and Spencers discontinuing their range of high performance granny knickers, Master Sy falling in love with a gerbil, Rocky XV(Heaven help us), Tom Cruise discovering he is not a Christian Scientist but an overpaid actor (the drama would unbearable), James Herbert writing a Mills & Boon, Salmon Rushdie becoming UN ambassador to The Middle East, yet another Cliff Richard Christmas song, making love to Pierce Brosnan and waking up, making love to Kevin Costner and waking up, waking up and discovering I am dead, waking up and discovering I am not dead but in a purgatory where I must work in an empty chocolate factory, being born again as Tom Cruise, being born again as George Bush. tripping over and landing in a pig sty just as Pierce Brosnan asks me to marry him, finding out Mr Intrepid is Danny Devito, Paul Burman writing a book called The Moaning and Whingeing of Jane Turley, Mrs A writing her chocolate recipe book and dedicating to me and telling the world my current weight, forced to become part of a Japanese Kamikaze Squadron, made to appear in a porn movie with Tom Cruise and a packet of butter. And finally… being sensible.

52. Salty or sweet? Although I love choccy on the whole I prefer savour food. Salty chocolate? Hmm… an interesting thought….

53. How many years at your current job? 17 years as Housewife Extraordinaire; I need a pension fund and some drugs. Quickly.

54. Favourite day of the week? Monday when the children go to school and I can hear silence, open up my PC and the world is out there….Quite like Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays though when I replenish my chooclate supplies.

55. How many towns have you lived in and name them? Too many to mention! Anyway it not the places it’s the people in them that make a place special. I’d like to live next door to Tom Cruise though. Oh, the endless pleasure…..

56. Do you make friends easily? I’d like to think so but I am also selective about close friendships. Unless they offer me a bar of chocolate and then I’m a friend for life! (Well long it takes to eat the chocolate.)

57. How many people will you send this to? The world! Or maybe just a few bloggers daft enough to have read this far.

58. How many will respond? Who knows! Life’s too short to worry about it!

There you go Mrs N ! Done!

Yes and Bond is coming soon…I’ve just got all this tennis stuff to do…

Copyright Jane Turley 2008

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Pride Comes Before A Fall

Oh that’s a bit of a cliché title. But it’s quite accurate isn’t it? We’ve all known someone, or maybe it’s even happened to you, where pride or vanity has preceded a disastrous fall from grace or possibly a severe attack of acne. Think Margaret Thatcher ousted from power or Brittany Spears covered in boils.

( No, actually don’t think Brittany Spears covered in boils that gal needs a break and she’s young so she’s entitled to have spots – OK - think Joan Rivers covered in boils instead. Oh yes that’s muccccch better. Mind you it’s possible the boils could be mistaken for some loose beadwork or possibly even her nipples.)

Now Mrs T has no pride. Why, she will happily consume huge bars of chocolate and allow her legs to rival a 500 year oak tree for “Best Trunk of the Year.” She freely admits to the world she is a hopeless cook, poor housekeeper and a sorry excuse for a woman. Mrs T has also had three children which means she has been caught many a time on the loo with her knickers around her ankles and thus reduced to her present humble status of a fraught, disturbed (and underpaid) housewife.

Except for her driving skills of course. When it comes to driving Mrs T is supreme. Yep, I’ve studied “Grand Prix Crashes and How to Survive Them” with due care and attention, I worship at the feet of Jeremy Clarkson and I can cut up a boy racer with no trouble at all. And with my Anti Tank Missile mounted on the roof of my Cmax and machine guns at the ready I’m the Scourge of The Home Counties; an agent of retribution for all those road hogs out there who would do battle with Mrs T for the outside lane and first place in the queue for the Drive Thru. (If you’ve not read
My School Run tirade or even my further diatribe The Bitch is Back you’d better do so now.)

By the way did you read my post on
Disconnected Consortium entitled Life in the Fast Lane which was all about Driving? No? Shame on you! Because it’s all about Mrs T’s consummate skills as a driver; Mrs T has never had an accident!

Well apart form that one earlier in the year that I mentioned back in
The Bitch is Back.
And that wasn’t really my fault, so it’s not a real accident. Neither is the Wing Mirror Incident because as I said before; wing mirrors are just optional extras aren’t they? So they don’t count. Well, not on my book anyway. (It’s a big book.)

Oh, by the way…Did I tell you the loss of the other car’s wing mirror made it to the front page of the local paper? Apparently, someone saw it spinning off and thought it was an alien space craft; they got £50 for the exclusive story. I don’t know who the snitch was though. Who would want to profit from someone else’s misfortune like that? Not me; I’m way too honest.

Anyhow let me explain about the other incident. Poor Mrs T was blocked in by 3 cars in the doctor’s surgery. Silly, silly people who should have known better than to block in a woman who needs to reverse who has a sick child in her car. Of course I still had my lovely Volvo then which didn’t even get a scratch from the resulting collision. Alas, the Vauxhall Vectra, which was parked sideways on behind me, did not look so pretty. It looked… kinda…squashed. In an attractive “Modern Art” sort of way. An expensive piece of Modern Art… if you know what I mean.

Of course, Mrs T, who would never be dishonourable (except in relation to the Gutter Press) went into the doctor’s surgery to declare her rotten, abysmal luck in the most grovelling and snivelling fashion. Unfortunately, it was peak time on a Monday morning which meant it was packed with persons in various shades of green awaiting their overdue appointments. Thus Mrs T was slightly embarrassed at having to announce her wrongdoings to the foul tempered inhabitants of about 20 or more people. Mr Joe Bloggs, the Vauxhall Vectra owner, did not look too pleased either when he realised it was his car Mrs T was talking about in the following fashion…

“Um… there’s a very interesting piece of Modern Art in the car park. The paintwork is particularly unique; a fine blend of green and white with a dash of bumper. The registration number is….”

Mr Bloggs was not amused. There was nothing for Mrs T to do but flirt and flash her eyelashes in order to soothe Mr Bloggs’ nerves. Instantly Mrs T was transformed from a sharp, sophisticated, highly intelligent female with superb driving skills who has made a slight error of judgement caused by some selfish morons’ stupid parking into a silly, dizzy woman with no brains (although surprisingly a brunette) who required the sympathy and understanding of a true gentlemen. (Mrs T hastens to add she didn’t overplay the flirting too much as it was only a Vauxhall Vectra and not a Bugatti Veyron in which case she might have been tempted to accidentally drop her spare knickers from her handbag – the G sting ones she uses for flossing not the comfort Mr T fool-proof ones.)

Anyway, Mr Bloggs soon came round to Mrs T’s way of thinking and even thanked her for owning up to her heinous crime! So you see it wasn’t in fact a proper accident. It was just a little “misunderstanding” between two cars; Mrs T’s driving skills still reign supreme.

Well they would if it wasn’t for the little “misunderstanding” she had on Tuesday.

Umm. Yes…. Mrs T had a little collision with a Nissan Micra… while she was reversing – again.

Now I’d gone to Mrs P’s house which having a little small holding attached is up a dirt track. Of course when I got there I remembered that we had cancelled tennis as Mrs P had a prior arrangement. Now the cleaner was in residence and aware that Mrs P was not in had not parked so diligently as normal leaving Mrs T with the choice of two equally unpleasant manoeuvres requiring her to reverse. Mrs T took what she thought was the easier version, as she has done before, and reversed back down the drive on to the dirt track. It requires some concentration as it is a long drive and one must obviously not impale one’s car on the gateposts.

Alas Mrs T was so busy watching the gate posts she did not see the little Nissan Micra which had mysteriously parked sideways across the bottom of Mrs P’s drive. Mrs T did hear the sound of crumpling metal though. This was shortly accompanied by some mild vocal obscenities. (When I say mild, I mean mild as in the context of softly spoken; the language was pure filth. Well, possibly…. Ssh….don’t tell anyone I know such words… especially Mr T who only just got used to me saying “Oh bother!” when I pull the carbonized Yorkshire puddings out of the oven.)

Now I don’t want to offend any of my readers who might own a Nissan Micra; I’m sure they are highly economical and do a great job…. But when did they add to them to The Matchbox Collection?? I mean it was soooo small how the hell was I suppose to see it there? I mean if you going to park up a dirt track in the middle of the countryside you could at least be considerate enough to use a Landrover. I’m mean I don’t need glasses for driving but I’m really regretting not attaching those x50 magnifying specs Mr T uses for examining our bank account.

Anyway here’s a picture of a Nissan Micra….

…And another looking marginally similar after being reversed into by Mrs T…

Yep, it wasn’t looking good and that’s why I won’t be driving a Nissan Micra.

Life’s a bugger sometimes isn’t it? We’d all like to be driving around in a some impregnable car but the law of economics says that’s just not possible. But maybe we should all be a lot more careful when driving.

And that includes Mrs T.

Anyway must dash as Mr T has just let me out of the cupboard.


Mrs T.

Ps. Yep, I’ve no pride left at all now. None. Nope, none whatsoever.

Pps Did I tell you that I’m one hot sexy vixen between the sheets? There ain’t a woman to compare……

Ppps Mrs G – Eve’s Lungs- I’ve got 8 mirrors – things are looking good! (No yoga though – I ain’t seen my feet for 10 years.)

Ppps; Coming soon; Bond is Back in… The Man with The L’Oreal face Cream

Copyright Jane Turley 2008

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Disconnected Consortium

Hello Readers!

Now Mrs T would like to introduce you a new website that has been developed by her friend and fellow blogger Master Sy of The Wheel is Turning but The Hamster is Dead. Yes, that's right - the other British nutter!

Well, Master Sy had this great idea of creating a website which he has called
Disconnected Consortium which would have lots of contributors; bloggers from all across the world who have something to say about Life, The Universe, George Bush, The Eurovision Song Contest and maybe even those irritating drawing pins that stuck in the sole of your shoe. Get my drift? That's pretty much anything then!

What's more it's likely this site could be full of surprises because it may be the case that this is where people will publish posts that don't fit in with the style of their usual blogs. ( Oh the thought of Master Sy waxing lyrical in the style of John Keats has me all of quiver! How he will get a hamster into an ode it I don't know - but I wager he can!) So expect the unexpected!

Mrs T will also be contributing some items. Some may be her usual daft stuff and some may be something entirely different; she doesn't know what because it all just happens when her fingers touch the keyboard and her tongue touches the chocolate! But she has already done her first post entitled Life in The Fast Lane which a little bit different to her normal zany stuff so why not pop over and have a read!

Hopefully, this will be a site that in the course of time you will all enjoy reading, perhaps even explore new avenues alongside its authors and discover the many faces and facets of it's creators. So stay tuned!

See you all soon!

Mrs T.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

A Book Tag (which went disastrously wrong.)

STOP! ….In the name of love…….. Oh lord….I’m off into my Diana Ross impression…. (Never a good sign – it usually means impending madness will soon follow…) Anyway…yes do stop and get a coffee because this is a book tag and as I’m rather fond of books I’m probably going to go on for some considerable time. (Again.) Is that OK? I hope so….

Well, my thanks to
Mrs G (Eve’s Lungs) for passing me this book tag. I really enjoyed the last tag from Usha; so we’ll just have to see what happens with this one! It may not of course actually follow exactly as per the instructions… However, these are the correct instructions I received from Mrs G;

1. Pick up the nearest book.

2. Open to page 123

3. Find the fifth sentence.

4. Post the next three sentences.

5. Tag five people, and acknowledge the person who tagged you.

Well as my desk is situated right next to one of my book cases I merely reached out to my left, without looking, felt for the nearest book and pulled out…

Society and Puritanism in Pre-Revolutionary England by Christopher Hill.

(Yawn, yawn…. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……stand back from the window…...)

Anyway, just to verify this - here is a picture of my desk and the offending book case. Please notice how clean and tidy my desk looks. It is ALWAYS this way; it is absolutely never, ever, littered with chocolate wrappers, coffee cups, mail, books, papers, biscuit crumbs, tissues and of course small effigies of Pierce Brosnan. (I keep those by the side of my bed…for inspiration.)

Unfortunately, for you readers, the shelf at hand level is one which houses some of my old history books from those dark, distant college days. However, the good news is I didn’t pull out the book next to it which was Marx/Engels The Socialist Revolution. (In which case readers you would have my full permission to jump.) The book on the other side was a little more interesting though - Stephen Venables’ A Slender Thread; an autobiography of the first Briton to reach the summit of Everest without supplementary oxygen. I read it a few years ago but as I recall it was quite an interesting read which is why it hasn’t made it to the charity shop/school fair yet. Anyway, just for your interest here are some of the other books on that shelf;

Papillion by Henri Charriere. (A man with delusions of being a butterfly attempts to escape from a top notch security complex. NB - flapping his arms did not get him over the perimeter.)

Surface with Daring by Douglas Reeman. (Boating escapades during WWII -not to be read if you’re just about to go canoeing, swimming or if your particularly nervous about having a bath.)

Most Secret War by R.V Jones. ( Ssh… sorry I can’t tell you what its about.. it’s a secret….)

Silence of the Lambs by Thomas Harris. (A man disguised as a moth has delusions of being a serial killer; he also happens to hate lamb chops; it’s a sad, sad tale of gross misfortune.)

Stallion Gate by Martin Cruz Smith. (Horses escape through a broken gate and travel the world looking for a mystical saddle – no I couldn’t believe it either.)

Keep Me Close by Clare & Francis. (A joint autobiography by Siamese twins.)

The Government of Elizabethan England by A.G.R Smith. (Lizzy gets down and dirty with the troops; risqué edition.)

France 1814 -1940; a history by J P T Bury. (Why bother? I didn’t. Just kept it cos I like to look knowledgeable.)

The Karma Sutra by An Over Enthuasstic Exhibitionist. (Umm... cough, cough…how did that get there? It’s not mine…….)

Bring on the Empty Horses by David Niven. (Blow- up horses search for a mystical saddle…again I couldn’t believe it; I always thought David Niven was soooo sophisticated…..)

American Politics Today by J.D Lees, R A Maidment and M Tappin. (Laughable.)

Henry VIII by J.J Scarisbrick. (A man with six wives who died of exhaustion - Lucky Bastard.)

Pregnancy by Gordon Bourne. (A one way ticket to sleepless nights, no sex and 50 denier tights.) To which I say…


Oh....mind you… sometimes I wonder if some women know about childbirth… I once read a
Sheila Kitzinger’s book where she said many women find child birth orgasmic. Orgasmic? Is Ms Kitzinger crazy?? OK…this is sensitive subject… but NO woman I know has EVER implied the experience was remotely sexually pleasurable. Of course I can only talk from my own experience… and that was more like being run over by a 10 ton truck and having all your innards squeezed out at 100 mph. Not pleasant.

Anyhow, having read Ms Kitzinger’s book I came to the conclusion that she was not in her right mind or had overdosed on some pethedine.

(And please no one leave a comment saying they had……. enjoyed childbirth. Otherwise I’ll end up being all bitter and twisted… which Mrs T would not like to be as she far too nice to be angry at stupid, silly authors who clearly don’t know what they are talking about and wear silly flowery dresses, idiotic sandals and……

Oh yes………ummmmmm….where was I?

Ah yes…books….

Well, being as inefficient as I am and skim reading Mrs G’s instructions I went to the fifth line not the fifth sentence which read….

the Englishwere naturally lazy and spend half their time taking tobacco.”

Hmm. Yes…that’s what happens when you’re too lazy to read the instructions properly. However, I’d just like to point out that I don’t smoke and have never done; I’m also a very, very good girl…well…most of the time….but you know when I see the chocolate counter I have these strange uncontrollable urges…..

Ok…the fifth sentence actually is...

Problems of labour discipline were of general concern to statesman and divines during our period. As early as 1536………”

STOOOOOOOOPPPPP!! I can take no more…, no, no! My history days, indeed my intellectual days, are over. I am a shell of an intellect……. Here’s the fifth sentence and more of the book I am actually reading…

Peep, peep! That night everything ran like clockwork. Thomas and Percy steamed through the stations making good time everywhere they went. Toot toot! At a station, Thomas noticed a woman looking worried. She had brown hair, blue eyes and 3 children in tow. Her Ford Cmax had broken down and now her children were looking worried.

“We can give you a ride,” said Thomas, “But it will be rather uncomfortable.”

“No thank you then,” replied the woman drawing out her flame thrower, “I can’t stand steam engines and especially ones that talk…”

Worriedly, Thomas sped away into the night as the flames licked his coal wagon… igniting and turning him into a burning mass…

The woman smiled mysteriously and the boys cried for a moment… and then they got out their cameras.

Wow, that was really great! You should try reading this book and if you’d like to hear my review of that fab book A Cow on the Line by the Rev Awdry click here.

Well that about wraps it up for today. See ya all soon!

Mrs T

All writing in this blog is the sole copyright of Jane Turley and not to be infringed upon on pain of death. A very painful death. With steak knives. And dishcloths. Need I say more?

© Jane Turley 2008

Ps I tag anyone who would like to do it but don’t forget to tell me when you have!

Pps. All those books are actually on my shelf…except the Karma Sutra…


is on my desk….. ..

Oh Good Lord! (MrsT’s eyes pop out of her head as she peruses the book upside down.)

How DO they do THAT???? !!!!

OOOOooo…ummmmmmmm…… Unbelievable!!

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Table Talk; Usha's Tag.

What’s your favourite table?

My favourite table is a roulette table; so much quicker for mixing that batter.

What would you have for your last supper?

A perfect steak, creamed potatoes, freshly cooked vegetable (especially young runner beans.) Followed by hot apple pie and vanilla ice cream. A tot of Benedictine and a piece of dark chocolate. Alternatively, if time was pressing I’d just have Pierce Brosnan (covered in chocolate).

What’s your poison?

Ask Mr T. When he comes out of the coma.

What would be your 3 indredients on a desert island?

I’ve been hoping to crash land on a desert island for some years; a kind of enforced diet at which I couldn’t possibly fail. I reckon I could last 6 months without food so no problems there. It would be best if I had some company though and if a rescue party didn’t arrive I could always resort to cannibalism. So I reckon I’d better take Pierce for starters, Kevin Costner for the main course and ummm…
Master Sy for dessert. I’m choosing Master Sy for dessert because he would keep me laughing in between bites and also he tells me he’s a little…por.. …cuddly….so if necessary I could live off him for a further six months.

What would you put in Room 101?

Obviously, all cook books and celebrity chefs. No wait a minute that’s too nice; they should be sautéed and of course drizzled with a little paraffin first. Would it be OK if I chucked in Mr Brown as well? Roasted? Oh yes and probably the entire contents of my pantry which is generally 2 years out of date. (Personally, I think a little mould adds to the flavour but doctor in Casualty keeps telling me otherwise.)

Which book gets you cooking?

The Karma Sutra.

What was your childhood teatime treat?

Penguin biscuits. There were four children in our family and not a lot of cash! These biscuits were a real treat. In those days they came in only red, green and blue wrappers. But there was only ever ONE with the blue wrapper and we always argued over it even though the biscuits were identical underneath! Kids eh?

Oh by the way my younger brother John always won…cos he was little…. You know how the story goes…
…Yeah and come to think of it, he ALWAYS got the cream of the top of the milk too… Now I’m feeling really, really cross…the no good rotter always scheming with his long eyelashes and pretty face…. Humph… the next time I see him I’m gonna give him what for…… yeah and I’m gonna take his blanket away and burn it, tread on his plastic soldiers and throw darts in his teddy bear…. That’ll teach him to usurp his sister!

What was your most memorable meal?

That one meal I did not burn……..back in in 1992.
Although come to think of it my wedding meal was pretty good; all my friends and family. What could be better? And my father (and I know I’m prejudiced) gave the best speech I’ve heard at any wedding. Lord, they can be disastrous can they not? At times like weddings it is great if the speakers have had some experience of public speaking…remember Four Wedding and a Funeral?!

What was your biggest food disaster?

I asked Mr T this question; I thought it was more appropriate. This is what he said nodding his head sagely

“ Well…you could pick anything you’ve cooked over the last 17 years.”

Yeah, thanks Mr T. You should see what I’ve got planned for tonight…..

What’s the worst meal you’ve ever had?

Oh please, please please stop torturing me…. You know it’s one of mine….. let this poor woman be…..

Who is your food villian/hero?

I have no food heroes, except Captain Birdseye and of course Mr Kipling. Mr Gordon Ramsey is obviously the food villain…. But you know there’s something about him I quite like….I think it’s his passion…. Hmm passion in a man is goooood.

Nigella or Delia?

Shoot them both, that’s why I say. Obviously, I’m not talking real guns here; Mrs T doesn’t condone violence unless it's on The School Run where it is an obvious necessity. But what the harm in an egg shooting MK42? Or a custard pie missile launcher?

Vegetarians: genius or madness?

Neither; skinny.

Fast food or fresh food?

Oh, even Mrs T prefers fresh food… in a kind of packaged way…..

Who would you most like to cook for?

George Bush; instant solution to all the world’s problems.

What would you cook to impress a date?

Me. My flame throwing and grilling act is hysterical so I can get pretty hot on a first date!

Make a wish.

Leaving aside my desire for The One Chocolate, I’d kinda like to be there where Walt Disney wakes up from his Cryogenic suspension... just so I could tell him the world is ending the next day.

What’s your dream dinner party line-up?

Oh this is tricky…. Pier…..Ok, Mrs T will be serious for once because this is an interesting question. So excluding friends, bloggers and family here we go;

Scientist; Professor Robert Winston; a brilliant and learned scientific mind.

Naturalist; David Attenborough; with all his seen and done who could not be fascinated.

Michael Woods; Historian, writer and TV presenter.
First of a generation of historians who have brought history to the masses; anyone who can make old pots exciting has gotta be good. (And in his younger days he looked pretty hot. But that has not affected my choice in anyway. Not at all. Not in the slightest.)

Writer; Richard Curtis. A humorous and yet sensitive man. Writer of Blackadder (Mrs T’s favourite British Comedy Show), Four Wedding and a Funeral and Love Actually. What can I say? A comedy genius.

Actor; from the acting profession it was a toss up between Tom Hanks and
Clint Eastwood. Tom Hanks is probably the better actor but on balance I’d have to go with Clint because of his age and experience. (Also he pulls a trigger pretty well.) Michael Caine is old favourite too. (Who could forget him in Zulu? One of my favourite films.) But Clint is more reclusive so to study him close up would be fascinating.

Midge Ure. Lead singer of the popular 1980’s British band Ultravox, famously remembered for the song Vienna which was kept of the number 1 spot in the UK charts by a very silly tune Shaddup You Face. Midge is actually a very talented singer/ songwriter and accomplished musician. Alongside Bob Geldof he penned Do they know it’s Christmas? (Although I’m sure he would admit it’s not one of his best) and organised Live Aid. (NB He also has a yummy soft Scot’s accent.)

Tony Benn. I haven’t always agreed with his political viewpoint but there’s no doubt he is extremely intelligent, caring and sensitive - unlike some politicians he does not seem to have been corrupted by power. As I get older I’ve appreciated him more. He grows on you..."If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people."

Comedian; George Bush? OK, this is a tricky one for me as I love comedy but I think I’m going to have to go with
Paul Merton for being consistently funny, naturally quick witted and with superb comic timing. Principally, he is famous in the UK for the topical news quiz Have I got news for you?

All round Good Egg;
Stephen Fry; writer, actor, raconteur and humorist. This man is so learned and well read it is just untrue. I’m sure just dining with Mr Fry alone would be enough for anyone; a feast of stimulation. Of course he’s written many books, performed in plays, television and films and presented many television show. He is versatile, colourful and always thoroughly entertaining and intellectually stimulating but he also obviously has a much deeper and thoughtful side. I’ve observed the course of his career for many years, the highs and the lows (He also a manic depressive) and it’s been fascinating. I suppose I’ll always remember him best for his outrageous comic performances in Blackadder, alongside Rowan Atkinson and Hugh Laurie. If any of you recall his performance as the Duke of Wellington let me tell you I modeled my whole parenting concept on his ideology for treatment of his troops “Shout, shout and shout again!” (Let me tell you also as a parenting concept it works very well indeed…although a little tough on the vocal chords.)

And since I'm learning new tricks all the time here's the clip from Blackadder featuring Stephen Fry, Hugh Laurie and of course Mr Rubberface himself, Rowan Atkinson. I hope you enjoy it!

Ok th
at combination of men pretty well satisfies my intellectual curiosity but you know a gal’s gotta have some flirtable material. You know what I mean? So I guess I’d choose Jeremy Clarkson, columnist, writer, TV presenter and lover of fast cars. What can I say? I just luvvvv him! Ok, physically he’s past his best (a little paunchy these days) but he is so funny, sharp and horrendously politically incorrect. I reckon we’d get on like a house on fire! (Well, I’d be on fire but I expect he’d kind of smolder like a burnt out car.) Annoyingly he actually has a distant association with Mrs S but they are not in contact now which makes Mrs T’s blood boil with fury. All Mrs S needs to do is send him a Christmas card and reestablish contact and then Mrs T is in there!( Maybe it’s something to do with that mocking Christmas card Mrs sent Mrs S purporting to be from Tom Cruise last year. You know I thought the mock up of Tom, Katie and baby as Jesus, Mary and Joseph was kinda funny. Maybe Mrs S was a little annoyed with me…..)

Who else? Oooh … Ray Mears; ex SAS, survival specialist, writer and TV presenter. Again I find him attractive but in an entirely different way to Jeremy Clarkson. Like Mr Clarkson he’s not exactly George Clooney but nevertheless he has a most appealing, natural manner. He has a sense of inner calm which comes to only those who know themselves well; maybe it’s because he’s spent a lot of time alone with his thoughts. A man in touch with himself and with nature is a very intriguing and I suppose I’m kinda jealous. On a more physical level, naturally I wouldn’t mind being stuck in The Outback with him because frankly any man who can light a fire without matches really impresses me! Lord, when he rubs those sticks together it drives me crrrazzy!! In fact Mr & Mrs S and Mr & Mrs T went to see him give a presentation which was fascinating. Mr T was deeply worried beforehand though as Mrs T had planned to tell Mr Mears in the Q&A session that she knew of an unexplored bush that perhaps he would like to explore...…. Needless to say Mrs T was forced to drive, avoid alcohol and duly strapped in her chair under pain of death. (Hmm, Mr T can be a real spoil sport at times; I think Mr Mears would have enjoyed giving the answer.) Ray has made many documentaries on survival but one of the ones I've enjoyed most was his eulogy about The Lord of the Rings on The Big Read, a national search for Britain's most popular book of all time. (Lord of the Rings won.)

Well, on examining my list I realised it is sadly lacking in women. Of course who wouldn’t be intrigued if it was possible to dine with Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana and find out the truth of their deaths? Marie Curie would also be interesting figure too; a pioneer for women scientists and perhaps Emily Pankhurst for her contribution to the liberation of women. But I’ve deliberately avoided historical figures; there are just too many secrets of the past to discover so I’ve stuck with contemporaries. So of course there’s the other Mrs T, Mrs Thatcher
but I guess I know what she would say and she’d probably end up giving everyone a lecture! Then, I suppose there’s Hilary Clinton (Who wouldn’t like to be a fly on her wall?!) and a host of other notable woman. But at the end day I think I’d choose another woman who I think would really enjoy the conversation and is also funny, versatile and always entertaining and comes across as a decent and honest person and that women is the actress Julie Walters.

So that’s it then. Oh and maybe a mysterious stranger just for the added thrill!

So there you go! Mrs T thought’s… thanks for the fun
Usha! I tag Master Sy and Mr Intrepid because there both obsessed with food; Master Sy in a kinda Fast Food way and Mr Intrepid in Haute Cuisine kinda way. Yeah, Mr I keeps telling me he likes a fruity little number but Lord I reckon he’d look pretty silly covered in dress made of banana skins and a pineapple on his head. Master Sy would of course look supreme in a new Batman outfit made of Macdonald’s wrappers……

Copyright Jane Turley 2008

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