Thursday, June 26, 2008

A plague, a plague upon Mrs N !

I haven’t mentioned Mrs N before. Now I am. She is driving me Crrazzzy; let me explain. Mrs N is a fellow tennis mum who has identical teenage twin sons who are exceptional at tennis and often coach the Young Masters. Mrs N likes to flaunt her handsome sons with their lithe figures and long legs at me. She is an evil, evil woman; almost as wicked as Mrs A! (But that’s just not possible.) Now, Mrs N is even more enthuasstic about tennis than Mrs T, which on the one hand is very good, and on the other hand means she NEVER stops emailing me about the subject. Now as Mrs T is editor of the tennis club newsletter Mrs N emails her almost daily with article upon article until Mrs T, overwhelmed by work and at the point of a nervous breakdown sent Mrs N this email (edited for politeness);

“Mrs N…, no, no more!! Mrs T will hang herself! Do you want to be responsible for the death of a mad middle aged woman?????? (Dishonest answers accepted.)

To which Mrs N responded;

“Oh Mrs T!!!!! How slack of you. Do moan out loud about the amount of info that you have been requested to include in the next newsletter, because it will support my request to have it published at more frequent intervals. And if you don’t, I will make sure that even more stuff comes your way for the next one!”

Now if that wasn’t bad enough this morning at 6.00am I find two more emails from Mrs N – one more stuff about tennis and A TAG. Where does Mrs N think I get all the time to do this stuff? !! Anyhow, just because it’s Mrs N, I’ve done it anyway… and now Mrs N ...Can the Masters have a free lesson with the twins as a reward for the poor, poor overworked Mrs T……..

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6. 00 am. I don’t sleep much. I’d like to sleep more but my brain’s usually tick, ticking over. Either that or the cat is attacking me, my bladder has failed (again) or Mr T is snoring so loud the walls are reverberating. I like the peace of the early morning; I often wake as soon as the birds begin to sing. This morning, feeling refreshed, I opened up my PC in solitude…. and saw Mrs N’s emails ..suddenly the room became dark and foreboding…

2. Diamonds or pearls? Most definitely diamonds! One has to be over 65 to wear pearls says Mrs T,( taking her pearls off and putting them in the drawer.)

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Indiana Jones; bit of a disappointment folks. Harrison Ford was looking kinda… baggy. And I’m not just talking about his trouseurs.

4. What is your favourite TV show? Top Gear; it’s silly; I like it.

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? It varies; I’m no good at being consistent but at the moment I’m having a run on muesli bars. Wow, that sounds healthy! Shame about the buttery croissant after eh?

6. What is your middle name? Andrea. My mother and father went really wild choosing this name! All the other family names are sooo boring; except for my elder brother’s confirmation name which is BEDE. Yeah, and when you stop laughing you can send him a sympathy card ... or some matching earrings.

7. What food do you dislike? Chick peas. They taste too dry. My friend, a veggie, made some chick pea fritters at college and everyone left them except Mrs T who felt she should eat them because she knows how it hurts when people turn their nose up when you made a special effort…. A big tear runs down Mrs T’s cheek. Boo Hoo.

8. What are your favourite CDs at moment? This Love, a compilation album of unsurprisingly…love songs. Jamiroquai; High Times (funky stuff to dance to). Rod Stewart; Great American Songbook. I play them on my lap top sometimes, but at the moment I’m waiting for the builders to repair the damage from my last hip hop dancing around my PC session. (Placed strategically in the centre of the room like handbags at a disco.)

9. What kind of car do you drive? Everyone knows already! A deadly one armed with submachine guns, missile launchers, laser tracking, flame throwers and small dangerous children; it’s unique. And it’s available free with a delusional mind! Yippee!

10. Favourite sandwich? Tuna and salad with seeded brown bread. Yummy. Yummy.

11. What characteristic do you despise in others? Hmm, tricky…. Lack of compassion, selfishness and frugality where there’s no need for it. I like generosity in people and that need not necessarily be with money.

12. Favourite item of clothing? My supersize, hold everything in, fully enforced, nucleur protected, lycra granny knickers; what absolute life savers! Bridget Jones’ knickers are for mere novices.

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Egypt; I’d love to see the pyramids; all that history in one place! What fun it would be to be locked inside and see if you could find your way out before you suffocate! I love the thrill of a real challenge! I’d also like to do a tour of The Western Front; providing I don’t step on an unexploded bomb which would kinda ruin it……

14. Favourite brand of clothing? I’m really not that fashion conscious so I’m not bothered about brands. Even if I was fabulously rich I don’t think I would waste much on Designer Labels; there are too many people starving in this world to warrant spending thousands on dresses. I like value for money, I suppose.

15. Where would you retire to? I was brought up the sea, so I’d like to go back to somewhere coastal; I love the sound of crashing waves, the brisk air and salt lingering on the breeze.

16. What was your most memorable birthday? 1987. It was the day The Herald of Free Enterprise sank, killing 193 passengers and crew; it didn’t seem right to celebrate when so many people had died.

17. Favourite sport to watch? Tennis; it’s a superb game of mental and physical agility; pity about those baggy shorts though; gals my age need something to lighten our lives. I love Cricket too because I spent a lot of my youth watching it on lazy Sunday afternoons with my father. It’s a great relaxing sport as an observer and is quintessentially English.

18. Furthest place you are sending this? I don’t know; all around the world!

19. Person you expect to send/post it back first? No idea. Surprise me.

20. Favourite Food? Stupid question; chocolate!

21. When is your birthday? 6th March; somebody remind Mr T next year!

22. Are you a morning person or a night person? Both. But those Duracell batteries are rather expensive you know.

23. Shoe Size? 5 give or take a foot.

24. Pets? 3 black cats; I’m actually a witch only I don’t use a broomstick.(Out of principle) I’ve got a jet pack; so much easier for getting around.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Um… Last Friday I bought a digital skipping rope! I burnt off 47 calories in 5 minutes. Another 6 years and maybe I’ll be the size I used to be. Alternatively, I might have died from a heart attack.(I'm guessing that's the more likely of the two options.)

26. What did you want to be when you were little? An actress, thespian or luvvie; call it what you will. No one hams it up like Mrs T. I'm planning my own funeral...where I jump out of the coffin and say "Fooled You!"

27. How are you today? Suffering from chocolate withdrawal symptoms Ahhhhh… I’ve had none since the acquisition of the skipping rope… but suddenly now I’m feeling kinda peckish…. Damn you Mrs N for reminding me! I fear the skipping rope may suffer a sudden and unexpected encounter with a sharp knife.

28. What is your favourite candy? Need I say? Really you should know by now! (I should point out that "candy" is not an expression commonly used in the UK, we tend to say " sweets" or "chocolate." " "Candy" is something we would normally reserve for small babies in order to keep them quiet; ie George Bush.)

29. What is your favourite flower? Oh, so many beautiful flowers in this world…I’ll have to settle for a rose, so pure, fragrant and delicate just like Mrs T. (Ho hum) It also has very sharp thorns.

30. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? The day I’m thin again! It’s possible it could be in year 2030... or even sooner when those Magic Glasses arrive. I'm also looking forward to the day Baby Sy is born so I can email Master Sy and gloatingly say "Ha, ha, no more sleep for you matey boy and good luck with the broccoli puree!"

31. What is your favourite thing about yourself, not physical? I can laugh at myself. So do others.. but it's not my fault my head got stuck in the door.

32. If you could do it all over again - what would you be when you grew up? Probably a doctor. I have had too many bad experiences with sick relatives; I’d rather trust my own judgement. And also I like those stethoscopes; I've got one of those kiddy play sets and I just love playing Doctors and Nurses with it.

33. What are you listening to right now? Silence is beautiful. But I’d rather listen to the rustle of sweet wrappers.

34 What was the last thing you ate? A solitary grape. Damn!

35 Do you wish on stars? No. Whilst I believe in fate to a certain degree, I don’t believe in making wishes. You can make your own future if you want to but that’s easier said than done. I once had a mirror crack in front of me – if I believed in that sort of bad luck I could have ended up being a bit nutty which obviously I’m not. I’m completely sane.

36. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Green; the colour of nature; it’s relaxing. Brown would be useful though, just for those occasional doodles of truffle. Blue is useful too as it covers up the scratches on the car rather nicely.

37. How is the weather right now? Mrs T Looks out of window…pretty good! Still, I bet I can avoid putting that washing out anyway…… I love the sound of that tumble dryer…so therapeutic…

38. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Mrs B (Ford focus mum); Mrs T had accidentally picked up Mrs B’s son’s book bag last night and took it home with her. A bit like on Monday when she took Mrs DB’s tracksuit top.( Did I tell you I’ve got kleptomaniac tendencies?) I promised to return it the next day when Mrs DB would come specifically to the tennis club to collect it. However, I forgot it. Oh dear! Mrs DB looked most perturbed - so Mrs T cheered her up by reminding her that Mrs T had mistaken Mrs DB’s top for Master Jacob's top (who is only 9 ) - which is clearly an UNJUST situation as last time someone picked up Mrs T’s tracksuit top they’d thought it was a circus tent.

39. Favourite soft drink? I like variety so I don’t really have a favourite but on a hot summer’s day I do like a cold lager and lime in a chilled glass. Wait a minute that’s not a soft drink…. Elderflower cordial is nice but I rarely drink ii. Oh, I also like a J20 Apple and Mango.

40. Favourite restaurant? The Lavang. It’s a fairly local Indian Restaurant, the food and service is great, the head waiter is absolutely gorgeous and what’s more they deserve my support as there’s been some unpleasant behaviour amongst some locals which Mrs T does not approve of. In fact Mrs T is very cross indeed; she is even tempted to get out her custard pie launching MK42.

41. Hair colour? Sexy brunette; it’s the hint of grey that does it. Obviously, being brunette I’ve got a lot of brains- unfortunately they’re located in my bottom.

42. What was your favourite toy as a child? It was probably actually a book rather than a toy;

The Little Princess by Frances Hodgsen Burnett. My grandmother read it to me; they were special times. When she died it held sad but lovely memories for me.

43. Summer or winter? Neither; Autumn. I love the subtle sensations of an autumn evening, the dampness of leaves on the ground, the mustiness in the air, the red and ochre leaves. The melancholy.

44. Hugs or kisses? Hugs generally. But you know there’s moments when a kiss is just the right thing….Mmmmmm... ..( Mrs T quickly hides poster of Pierce as Mr T enters the room.)

45. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate is best but when they're together I’m in ecstasy….

46. Coffee or tea? I like both equally but only if they’re made just as I like them. If I’m out I’ll generally drink coffee as tea is soo easy to get wrong. I particularly dislike tea made by dipping the tea bags in a cup. Oh, how uncouth! I’m a proper English gal; I like it from a pot with a china cup and saucer.

47. Do you want your friends to email/post you back? Hey, only if you want to!

49. What is under your bed? Mr T has gone to work, so it’s safe for Pierce to come out. (His poster obviously)

50. What did you do last night? I spent 2.5 hours at the local farm helping with a party.(Instant headache.) Then I warmed up Spaghetti Bolognese which being in one of my(very) rare efficient moods I had made earlier, put the kids to bed and while Mr T watched The European Cup did a little catching up on my favourite blogs and emails. Not very exciting but I didn’t feel I should let on that I spent the evening with Kevin Costner in the back of a taxi. ’Cos I know you ladies out there would be deadly jealous.

51. What are you afraid of? Americans changing their constitution so Arnold Schwarzenegger can become president,(although frankly I think it would be very exciting), George Bush getting out his cowboy suit and plastic guns, Gordon Brown changing his name to Gordon White which would be particularly silly, a world chocolate crisis, Marks and Spencers discontinuing their range of high performance granny knickers, Master Sy falling in love with a gerbil, Rocky XV(Heaven help us), Tom Cruise discovering he is not a Christian Scientist but an overpaid actor (the drama would unbearable), James Herbert writing a Mills & Boon, Salmon Rushdie becoming UN ambassador to The Middle East, yet another Cliff Richard Christmas song, making love to Pierce Brosnan and waking up, making love to Kevin Costner and waking up, waking up and discovering I am dead, waking up and discovering I am not dead but in a purgatory where I must work in an empty chocolate factory, being born again as Tom Cruise, being born again as George Bush. tripping over and landing in a pig sty just as Pierce Brosnan asks me to marry him, finding out Mr Intrepid is Danny Devito, Paul Burman writing a book called The Moaning and Whingeing of Jane Turley, Mrs A writing her chocolate recipe book and dedicating to me and telling the world my current weight, forced to become part of a Japanese Kamikaze Squadron, made to appear in a porn movie with Tom Cruise and a packet of butter. And finally… being sensible.

52. Salty or sweet? Although I love choccy on the whole I prefer savour food. Salty chocolate? Hmm… an interesting thought….

53. How many years at your current job? 17 years as Housewife Extraordinaire; I need a pension fund and some drugs. Quickly.

54. Favourite day of the week? Monday when the children go to school and I can hear silence, open up my PC and the world is out there….Quite like Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays though when I replenish my chooclate supplies.

55. How many towns have you lived in and name them? Too many to mention! Anyway it not the places it’s the people in them that make a place special. I’d like to live next door to Tom Cruise though. Oh, the endless pleasure…..

56. Do you make friends easily? I’d like to think so but I am also selective about close friendships. Unless they offer me a bar of chocolate and then I’m a friend for life! (Well long it takes to eat the chocolate.)

57. How many people will you send this to? The world! Or maybe just a few bloggers daft enough to have read this far.

58. How many will respond? Who knows! Life’s too short to worry about it!

There you go Mrs N ! Done!

Yes and Bond is coming soon…I’ve just got all this tennis stuff to do…

Copyright Jane Turley 2008


  1. Maybe you'd like to do the tag over on my page, though I haven't specifically named you? That is if you've the time between the Tennis newsletter, eating chocolates, skipping etc??

  2. A 58 item tag??? Holy bloody expletive!

    Puree brocolli? There is no chance my daughter will be eating junk food like that. She will be much healthier then that.

    Other things that would be nice: Gordon Brown going away and us electing someone we actually voted for.

  3. How did you know? I'm gob-smacked. Not even my publisher knew the title of Number Two yet. J.K. never had this problem with leaks.

    However, after reading this I'm going to have to make a few changes to the MS and paint a kinder picture than I have thus far. Having been saddled with a 58 question tag, I reckon you're entitled to moan and whinge a tad ... and might justifiably consider reeking an unpleasant revenge on Mrs N. Something that prevents her playing tennis or writing articles.

    Have always liked the irony of someone being hoist by their own petard, so suggest you return the favour by sending her a 158 question tag.

  4. So much merriment and hilarity… Now, don’t go blaming Mrs N as it wasn’t strictly her fault. In fact, if Miss N had not been targeted by her friends then Mrs N would not have been able to share this highly informative tag with Mrs T, thus making Miss N’s afternoon far less enjoyable. Bravo all…

  5. Ah Sue, I am delighted to accept the challenge and since I cannot match you for sincerity I will have to go for the silly option....time IS precious though and I a have a backlog of posts to do...which means it must wait with the others until Mrs N's demands have been duly met!

    Master Sy.. what's more healthier than broccoli puree? Minced Hamster?

    Yep, I can think of a few things to do with Mr Brown that necessitate more than him just going away...

    PB... Yep, I'm telepathic! The title's good though but not as the original..The Snowing and Greening of Thomas Passmore...but not bad, even if I say so myself...

    Hmm.. I rather like the idea of sending Mrs N a 158 question tag. But what questions to ask.... Mrs T laughs in the most evil, conniving fashion.........ha, ha, ha, ha, ha........

    Welcome Anonymous! Although I get the distinct impression you may be related to the irrepressible Mrs N... what a mortifying thought!

    I trust, however, that you are not so enamoured with small balls as Mrs N which is, without doubt, a most hideous and dangerous affliction....

  6. Oh my goodness! You got up at 6 am???! I am sorry, I am such a slug, I found it hard to read on after that. But read on I did and (gasp) you were too polite to comment on the cup of tea made with a teabag in the cup the other day. Ooops! Now I feel terrible!

    I think I'd like to go to Egypt, too. Soooo different from housework ... Soooo out of my comfort zone, too. What about Tutankhamun and the pyramids, the treasures and all the gold ... D'ya think anyone will be writing about me in, ooh, 3000 years' time? No, don't answer that!

  7. Good morning Mrs B!

    Did you really make tea dunking a tea bag? I didn't notice! I thought we had coffee? Oh, I don't know - my memory is going!

    The truth is I've always been fascinated by Egyptian History -although I never studied it in depth as it wasn't on offer at my college- I find it totally fascinating; so mysterious yet also macarbre.Any film about Egypt fires my imagination...the first I recall was Sphinx starring Frank Langella (Boy was he hot in his youth!) who also incidentally was in the film of Diary of a Mad Housewife and he even more yummier in Dracula (Hmm.. I think that was the 1979 version.)

    Yep, I am sad!

    Have you been to the Tutankhamun exhibition yet? I must go....

  8. Yup, it was interesting - and not too crowded. Actually, it was about the first non-routine thing I've done all year and all the more fascinating for that. I exaggerate only slightly. It was mind-boggling to think that they found all that gold etc and someone bothered to make all those things at a time when life expectancy was about 30 (gulp!) The inequality of wealth that there must have been, the notion that the Kings' inner organs should be preserved separately ... like you say, how strange and how macabre. One day ...

    Why are you sad today?

  9. Now I'm sad AND burnt.

    Mrs T has been out all day nd stupidly forgot to out her suncream on... which she ever rarely ever forgets..that's what happens when you have too many things going on.

    Now I look like Dale Winton!

    Oh no!

  10. I've noticed that there are several days between your posts..

    in the meanwhile between posts.. I was wondering if you pack your head in ice to keep the brain swelling down..and are your fingertips calloused..and how do you know what key to hit on the keyboard with the letters all worn away and the like..

    I'm off for a nap...

    btw...tks for including me on your blogroll.. ma'am...currently I'm unsure if a picture is worth a thousand words in your stead .... but I'll live with it.. ;^)

  11. Good morning Eddie,

    At this very moment I am looking very stupid as still being in "Egyptian Mode" but having the need to curb my brain seeping out of my ears (oh yes and my burnt "assets" from my lack of suncream) I have wrapped myself in chilled bandages aka an Egyptiam mummy. I must say I'm chilling out nicely but I do look kinda silly...

    Although you know..I look kinda silly most days.... I think it's something to do with the pencils up my nose. Although, I find if I keep them there it's so handy as I've always got one close if I need to make a quick note...

    Ah tis a pleasure to have you on my blog roll Eddie, I am finding it a much easier way of keeping up with my favourite blogs...

    So you're off for a nap eh? Disgusting! I'm off for a museli bar and a trip to the doctors...

  12. Tags are boring. Write something proper.

    I've just realised we are supposed to have read North and South by a week Friday. Do you have a strategy?

    How many more sleeps before Dr Who finale?

  13. That's what I like about you Mrs A - so cruelly BLUNT !!

    Well having dispnesed with all the tedious tennis stuff Mrs T has returned to your request. I regret to inform you Mrs A that you make an appearance ! Ho, ho.

    What's been happening in Doctor Who? I missed it the last few weeks..(all safely recorded though for solitary, dribble induced viewing

    My strategy for North and South is this...

    1. Buy the book. (might help)
    2. Skim read.
    3. Alternatively, feign stupidity/drunkeness next Friday night. (easily done.)

    What's your stategy?

  14. I wouldn't know where to start with getting you up to speed on Dr Who, except to say whatever you do, don't watch this Sat if you haven't seen the previous two episodes.

    Re North and South, I think your strategy sounds exemplary. I have bought the book but think it looks rather full of words. So points 2 and ultimately, 3 it is.

  15. I read this almost as soon as you posted it and thought it was very well written. Came back again today to check the interaction at the comments section ( I love them as much as your posts)
    You mean you had a solitary grape? How come I can never bring myself to stop at one single piece of anything. This is truly amazing.
    'accidentally' picking up things - hm. very interesting! hm...

    And Jane, I really like you. so I wouldn't want a serious fight with you. So take my advice and lay off Pierce ok? He is mine and that is final!

  16. Yes, a solitary grape! I have days when I have immense willpower and then others where I have none. Unfortunately, the days where I have none outweighh the other days. Oh, for some inspiration! (And some liposuction)

    We can share Pierce Usha. I'm not greedy. So long as I have 6 nights a week; I'll need the other to recuperate!


I am always delighted to receive comments!

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