Friends, Romans, Bloggers lend me your ears! ’Cos the Mad Housewife needs to change her blog name.
I know, I know, I should have done my homework but I didn’t. Apparently there are lots of mad housewives; well I know this is true because madness is actually a very serious affliction which can become highly contagious particularly if you’ve been at home for at least 10 years. (Or in my case about approaching 17 as I managed to get pregnant on my wedding night.) It was a very (clears throat with embarrassment) “productive” wedding night, which is quite surprising really as some over zealous friends stole everything from our hotel bedroom except the towels. (Oh and I also locked Mr Turley in the bedroom the next morning so he couldn’t have any breakfast by which time folks he was in dire need of vital nourishment.) Anyway the product was Master Samuel who arrived (genuinely) 5 weeks early to sound of much tut-tut ting from aged maiden aunts. Thus I have remained, bar a few brief interludes, chained to the kitchen sink. I’ve been trying to make a break for it for sometime but alas it’s rather slow work trying to escape with only a nail file and a polishing cloth. (I’ve also tried digging a tunnel but not only did the teaspoons keep bending but even my trousers weren’t big enough to store all that earth. Indeed Mr Turley became somewhat suspicious when a mound appeared in the back garden; I had to tell him I’d run over the neighbour’s cat.)
Now, I am most disconcerted at there being so many “mad” housewives as I have always been considered genuinely bonkers; the first indication being when I tap danced on a friend’s dining table at her party when I was about 6 years old. (Unfortunately these days tables are the least of my worries ; I have a panic attack just walking across floorboards…luckily the downstairs floor of our house is made of reinforced concrete and the upper floor is strengthened with titanium girders.)
Anyway, before I get on to some long ramble as I am wont to do, here are some of my potential titles. Opinions welcome… and any if you can think of anymore please leave a comment.
1. A Series of Unfortunate Events; 17years of Marriage.
2. Me and My Bad Habits (Why I don’t want to be a nun.)
3. A Humorous Experience; The life and Times of Mrs Turley, Housewife Extraordinaire.
4. If I Ruled the World (Somebody would assassinate me.)
5. Plants; How to Make Them Die in One Easy Lesson; Don’t Water Them. (And some extra drivel for free.)
6. Humour Me. (No one else does.)
7. The Great Escape. (My life at the kitchen sink and how to fast track yourself onto prescription drugs.)
8. The Story of My Life; A Study of Dishcloths, Scrubbing Brushes and Damp Toilet Seats by an Overworked and Underpaid Housewife.
9. 1001 Ways To Be An Extraordinarily Bad Housewife by Mrs Jane Turley BA PHD FUC KED OFF
10. How to Get a Divorce; Write A Blog.
11. Me and My Broomstick, Cat and J Cloth.
12. Jane Turley and The Severn Dwarfs; Interesting Stories of a Sexual Nature.
13. How to Put On Weight Quickly; Get Married (and some other stuff.)
14. How to Loose Weight Quickly; Get Divorced (and some other stuff.)
15. Eats, Shoots and Leaves; Guide to Marital Harmony by Jane Turley.
16. Dusters, Dishcloths and Aprons and How to Avoid Them.
17. Bottoms and How to Clean Them by Someone Who Really Knows.
18. Great Expectations (How to Get More Out of Your Dishcloth)
19. Toilets, Loo Rolls and Bog Brushes; My Life and Interesting Household Accessories.
20. Origami for Loo Rolls and The Tales of a Slightly Disturbed Housewife.
© Jane Turley 2008