Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Mad Is Not Mad Enough.

Friends, Romans, Bloggers lend me your ears! ’Cos the Mad Housewife needs to change her blog name.

I know, I know, I should have done my homework but I didn’t. Apparently there are lots of mad housewives; well I know this is true because madness is actually a very serious affliction which can become highly contagious particularly if you’ve been at home for at least 10 years. (Or in my case about approaching 17 as I managed to get pregnant on my wedding night.) It was a very (clears throat with embarrassment) “productive” wedding night, which is quite surprising really as some over zealous friends stole everything from our hotel bedroom except the towels. (Oh and I also locked Mr Turley in the bedroom the next morning so he couldn’t have any breakfast by which time folks he was in dire need of vital nourishment.) Anyway the product was Master Samuel who arrived (genuinely) 5 weeks early to sound of much tut-tut ting from aged maiden aunts. Thus I have remained, bar a few brief interludes, chained to the kitchen sink. I’ve been trying to make a break for it for sometime but alas it’s rather slow work trying to escape with only a nail file and a polishing cloth. (I’ve also tried digging a tunnel but not only did the teaspoons keep bending but even my trousers weren’t big enough to store all that earth. Indeed Mr Turley became somewhat suspicious when a mound appeared in the back garden; I had to tell him I’d run over the neighbour’s cat.)

Now, I am most disconcerted at there being so many “mad” housewives as I have always been considered genuinely bonkers; the first indication being when I tap danced on a friend’s dining table at her party when I was about 6 years old. (Unfortunately these days tables are the least of my worries ; I have a panic attack just walking across floorboards…luckily the downstairs floor of our house is made of reinforced concrete and the upper floor is strengthened with titanium girders.)

Anyway, before I get on to some long ramble as I am wont to do, here are some of my potential titles. Opinions welcome… and any if you can think of anymore please leave a comment.

1. A Series of Unfortunate Events; 17years of Marriage.

2. Me and My Bad Habits (Why I don’t want to be a nun.)

3. A Humorous Experience; The life and Times of Mrs Turley, Housewife Extraordinaire.

4. If I Ruled the World (Somebody would assassinate me.)

5. Plants; How to Make Them Die in One Easy Lesson; Don’t Water Them. (And some extra drivel for free.)

6. Humour Me. (No one else does.)

7. The Great Escape. (My life at the kitchen sink and how to fast track yourself onto prescription drugs.)

8. The Story of My Life; A Study of Dishcloths, Scrubbing Brushes and Damp Toilet Seats by an Overworked and Underpaid Housewife.

9. 1001 Ways To Be An Extraordinarily Bad Housewife by Mrs Jane Turley BA PHD FUC KED OFF

10. How to Get a Divorce; Write A Blog.

11. Me and My Broomstick, Cat and J Cloth.

12. Jane Turley and The Severn Dwarfs; Interesting Stories of a Sexual Nature.

13. How to Put On Weight Quickly; Get Married (and some other stuff.)

14. How to Loose Weight Quickly; Get Divorced (and some other stuff.)

15. Eats, Shoots and Leaves; Guide to Marital Harmony by Jane Turley.

16. Dusters, Dishcloths and Aprons and How to Avoid Them.

17. Bottoms and How to Clean Them by Someone Who Really Knows.

18. Great Expectations (How to Get More Out of Your Dishcloth)

19. Toilets, Loo Rolls and Bog Brushes; My Life and Interesting Household Accessories.

20. Origami for Loo Rolls and The Tales of a Slightly Disturbed Housewife.

© Jane Turley 2008


  1. Oh, man! I'm going to have to go over these options a few times before I cast my vote. *sigh* I don't do well with too many choices.

  2. I pick Nos 2, 11 or 20. 15 is pretty cool too :)

  3. Excellent... no 15 is quite good isn't it?! I'll welcome another suggestions Sue!

  4. I was leaning towards 15....but, I put my vote on #9...classic. I had to think about this one. It hurt..lol

  5. How about 'Chocolate addiction and other ways to greatness'?

  6. It does have a certain ring about it doesn't it? And of course those are seriously impressive qualifications I have... However, I may be dicing with Mr Turley's disapproval... for although he doesn't read my blog he does like to "google" family names for some bizarre reason. Therefore I'm not sure if this is the best one for I would hate to think that he would not think I am not totally devoted to the lovely job of housewifery and especially as today he has stumped up 2 Valentine cards. Ah Mr Turley my devoted and beloved spouse and keeper of dishclothes....

  7. Sue; yes chocolate has indeed inspired me to greatness...although perhaps not quite the kind of "greatness" I'd imagined...as the size of mon derriere is evidence...

  8. No. 9 all the way for me! Although there are a few others which could work!

  9. Why that's 2 votes for no 9! But it was one of my more uncouth suggestions..are my readers of this disposition? Surely not! Now Young Master Sy whilst thou art holding up the air traffic tonight do think upon alternative suggestions for this soon to be old lady with no affections of madness whatsoever...

  10. Could you maybe have:

    "The life of Jane Turley. Because the wheel is turning but the hamster is dead".

    It has a certain ring to it which requires attention. Possibly medical!

  11. Ugh. Blogger is having a "moment" with my account today. I cannot get it to do anything once. I sent a comment and it fell over...and I cannot remember what I put!! I know it had:

    Jane Turley - Because the wheel is turning but the hamster is dead

    Or something like that on it!

  12. OOo I like that one Onedia! Wicked and Witty.. grrreat! Wayward? Not so sure..might imply I'm a floosy! Of course I am trying to employ Young Master Sy as my Toyboy but alas he is soon to be a devoted father... Obviously, I'll keep trying but the chains on the kitchen sink seem to be particularly thick....

  13. Sy, Sy , Sy that is superb...only another English person brought up on Basil Fawlty and Edmund Blackadder could have thought of that... but do you think anyone else will understand it?! Oh, and the hamster is most definately dead.. as I take the same approach to animals as I do to plants...

  14. Well, it seems to have come through anyway Sy. Blogger is always having trouble with mine..I frequently write comments and then wondered where they've gone..at first I thought all my comments were being moderated and that people must consider me very rude indeed! But now I've realised I must check to see if it's been saved before I dash off to the nearest chocolate bar...

  15. I liked 'humour me' and 'how to put on weight' (was it?) Did you see that book called 'celebrities don't get fat' (or something)? How ridiculous! Anyway, keep 'em, and me, laughing, whatever you change the blog to. I have tried the rest and yours is the best!

  16. wicked and witty is good. Wayward also fits in perfectly. I'm thinking about your recent escape attempt with the teaspoons. Perfect.

  17. Onedia; that is sounding really good! Perhaps I should have consulted my dictionary too! Maybe I'm not such a floozy after all! Hmm Wicked or Willful? Both are good and I particularly like the alliteration. Sy's Hamster really appeals to my slightly weird sense of humour but as an overall title I'm not sure... but I feel I should at least include it either as a subtitle or part of a new blog description.
    This is a great help everyone!

  18. Hey Ford Focus Mum; thanks very much!
    Celebrities Don't Get Fat? I've not heard of it.. but sounds like it might be a very slim volume!

  19. Yes Tamera; It does sound pretty good..I'm certainly leaning that way at the moment.

    Those damn teaspoons!They just don't make 'em like they used to. Fortunately, being a tradionalist I've also got salt and mustard spoons but I can tell you that digging with them is very hard work indeed; if only I had Steve McQueen to help me out. Boy I'd have loved to have got stuck on the back of his bike...

  20. Jane Turley - A cucumber short of a salad

  21. Oh my Goodness this is going to be very hard indeed. That's good Sy BUT I have a severe hatred of salad;I'm a saturated fat gal! Therefore this would be a totally misleading title; people might tune in for healthy eating....
    However, I could do;

    Jane Turley; one chocolate short of a heart attack.

    A lot closer to the truth and I might pick up some funeral directors...

  22. How about

    Jane Turley - A woman classed as nuttier then a large squirels poo.

  23. Well..I am VERY fond of nuts it has to be said...

    For a Techy guy your're way too funny. I bet you've watched Airplane loads of times...explains the Lelie Nielson picture...

  24. This is your editor speaking. "Humour Me" is the best, with no additional verbiage or airy persiflage...

    Will fink further...

  25. Sadly, I watched Airplane on Tuesday night at work during a quieter period!! But that is the first time in many years! Although I get the humour on every level!

    So you like nuts?

    Jane Turley - A woman who has nuts leaving you wanting more

    That one will get you some readers from the google sicko clan!

  26. Bugger it! I had to go and check the meaning of persiflage..just to be sure I was right of course..I HATE it when people have a better vocab than me and what's more when they are anonymous as well.. Well Mr Anonymous (I say this as most probably only a man would demand to be my editor on first contact) I look forward to your further suggestions...

  27. Somehow Sy, I just knew Airplane was right up your street! Do you have an inflatable co pilot in the techy room at the airport? I'm most interested to know!

    Yes, I'm very partial to nuts of almost every description... and if they're covered in chocolate even better.

    Now, what was that you were saying about kinky stuff?

    No, definately not interested in those types ..having inadvertantly clicked onto some I can say there's some very sad (in every sense of the word) people out there.. let's keep laughing instead.. a lot more pleasurable.

  28. Well we get lonely in that little room at work, so we have to have a blow up "co-pilot" of some kind to keep us amused at night.

    Now tell me Mrs Turley. How did you manage to inadvertantly click on those rooms? Where you searching for chocolate covered nuts and it all went a little pete tong?

    Oh, and I completely missed the post earlier about being your toyboy. Do keep trying, it is always nice to be chased*

    * - not incuding by a gnag of annoyed teenagers, police cars and anything else that can end in a bad way.

  29. Well not rooms as such just blogs which turned out be not the kind I was interested in!

    I have a blow up doll version of myself; an extra large model of course. It's available from www.nutsaboutnuts.co.uk for the extortionate price of 50p.

    Ooo I love a car chase; I love Speed. (I'm talking about the film obviously...)

  30. Is the extra large model included with large chocolate bars? As I think they would be a great selling combination!

    Is it really Friday already? Back to work tomorrow. Where is the fun in that? Oh well. According to my current wife, we are off to see the other wife this afternoon to talk mini me stuff.

  31. Still talking to the Ex? Brave (or stupid) man indeed!

    Huh you think you've got it bad I'm off to the fsrm today with 6 kids... I'll be ready to hang myself by the time I get back....

  32. Nooo....Midwife. There is no way on whatever being you believe in's green earth would I speak to my ex wife!! Eugh...the thought is making my skin itchy.

    6 kids? So this is goodybye then huh!! Good luck skipper, and I mean that very very sincerely!

  33. Of course.. the midwife! My bain cells have been damaged by the ceaseless noise of small children.

    The danger of having a 7 seater Volvo is too many kids.. but by tonight it will be a 5 seater and more economical Ford CMax... and that story is a whole blog....

  34. Well then. Maybe that can be the first post under the new site name! Have you decided on a name for the site yet? I guess "Jane Turley - Gerbils beware" is not going to fly huh?

  35. Hmmm. Back up a bit here...hmmm. Naw, squirrel poo just doesn't do anything for me. Wayward is just such an awesome word. Boy, after reading these comments, I sure am thankful for my Emptynester's syndrome.

  36. Well it's a really tricky one..I'm thinking of...

    "The Wicked and Witty Ways of a Wayward Wife."

    Followed by a description of...

    "The often dubious, politically incorrect and mainly humorous musings of Mrs Jane Turley, Housewife Extraordinaire."

    The gerbil is definately out Sy! Your right Onedia; already a blog called "Airy Persiflage".. I have also discovered the identity of the anonoymous commentator who is a clever and cunning friend of mine who informs me that it is a line from The Mikado. "Humour Me" is also a page on The Guardian. I really like Onedia's suggestion so unless anyone has any final suggestions....

    By the way I really love The Hamster and The Squirrel titles which appeal to the very silly side of me but alas Sy I think they would not to be everyone's taste...

  37. Thanks Tamera. Although my "editor" has just emailed me to say that without "wicked" it scans better... and I think she's right.(Damn it, she's an infuriating woman!) Although I rather like to think of myself as "wicked"!

  38. So I can change mine and use the wheel turning one then? Marvellous!

  39. Jane, thanks for dropping by. I have been lurking for a while and devouring all your posts with the kind of eagerness otherwise reserved only for Chocolate ( yes, I do have a secret stash which we could split over tea and exchange more madness!)
    I rather liked the old name but The WWWW is nice too.Anyway whatever the title says we can be assured of unadulterated madness in the posts and that is all that counts right?

  40. Sy; Well you thought of it so it's yours to use but I shall be hideously jealous. In fact I rather like all the suggestion I've had (and mine of course) but I fear if I amalgamated them into one big title people might think I'm somewhat mad. Which of course, I'm not... well not completely.. but I'm working on it.

    Usha; Thank you for dropping in to my newly titled blog. I was fond of "Mad" but there were just too many...I am delighted to know you have a secret stash of choccy and sharing someone's choccy is a great priviledge..particularly if they have a good selection and you get first choice..

    Unadulterated madness? I rather like that! Sometimes though I do slip into an occasional reflective mode but unfortunately being silly just seems to come naturally and in a way I rather like being silly...

  41. What about this:

    "Mrs. Turley Talks" (and the whole world is listening)

  42. Tamera..silly is fun is it not?

    Theresa; Ah, alas the whole world is not listening and now I'll tell you a secret... even the Good Mr Turley does not listen! For some reason he finds it essential to pace about the home with his ears stuffed with cotton wool and a cloth hat upon his head. He keeps telling me it's because hie head is cold but somehow I fear he is lying....

  43. I like wicked and witty, it fits :) love your sense of humour :)

  44. Cripes! This blog-site is jumpin'! 50 opinions on its new name? All I can say is I'm glad my bookmark found its way to the newly-named site.

    Just thought you might like to know I ran out of After Eights to scoff so had to make a cherry cake. Oink!

  45. Hello, Mrs. Turley! Lovely post and great comments. My first reaction was to vote for #9 but I see you have chosen "The Witty Ways of a Wayward Wife" - that's good alliteration and catchy. =) If you're still active in brainstorming, please let me know - a huge part of my regular 9-5 job is copywriting and being creative. But if not, your title already sounds great. Good job!

    Looking forward to catching up on your blogs this week - it's awesome that you have a helpful community of commenters. That's such a blessing.

    Ciao for now!

  46. Fordfocusmum..so you've eaten ALL the After eights? Naughty, naughty and you didn't even save one for me? I'd better have a slice of that cherry cake then...
    Well, I am very pleased that I have some very valuable and fun contributions to my renaming but to be fair half the comments are mine! Perhaps you've noticed but I just can't stop waffling.Oh, if only I had more time but alas those boys take up some looking after...and hubby too of course...

    Mewie! Delighted to hear your voice!Glad you enjoyed the post..no 9 has had a few advocates.Of course you can't fail to be impressed by my academic acheivements..(Ho, ho maybe I reveal their subjects later!) I'm pretty happy with WWWW..Onedia's suggestion...I've already started checking your site too.. very useful tips for writers and marketing..but so refreshing for someone to genuinely want to do this and not expecting me to click on an advert for extra large tights. Now, I'm not denying I need extra large tights but you know there's ways and means of doing things..........Ciao, See you soon Mewie!


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