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Showing posts from January, 2012

Friday Night is Chill Night

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It's Friday night, so it's chill night. Tonight, I have mixed feelings about chill night as I have a double blow to bear - I'm missing out on a book club night and Mr T is away from home.

However, on the plus side...

I HAVE FULL CONTROL OF THE TV REMOTE !

Oh sweet joy.

Anyway, before I crack on with the 20 litre case of red wine discarded from the tennis club by the wine snobs, flick through thirty random channels just to irritate the cat and settle on some late night horror movie ( Sex in the City 2) I'm going to play some Friday night chill music.

 Here's Craig David with Seven Days


A Shock Phone Call

The other morning I got a shock phone call at 9.30am.

No, it wasn't from David Cameron offering me a position in the government which is surprising as I would make an excellent MP. After all, I have a lot of experience at doing nothing at all and getting away it. I would fit in perfectly and I'm sure I could find plenty of time to fill in my expense forms.

And no... it wasn't from Angelina Jolie offering me a part in her latest movie as her twin sister. I think it's because I have normal shaped lips. I mean c'mon are her lips for real? Actually, I think her lips are the real thing because she's had them so long. (Since birth apparently.) Anyway, they didn't inflate overnight like most celeb's lips. Hmm...so I guess flicking your finger between you lips as a kid and making brrrrring noises does pay off then.

And no... it wasn't from Barack Obama telling me he got a role in the remake of Dumbo. To tell the the truth I'd never noticed he'd got …

The Truth about Curriculum Vitaes

I am rewriting my curriculum vitae at the moment. It is such a tedious task. The trouble is I have this inherent desire to spice things up but I am trying to restrict myself to being truthful which not only is boring but extremely dull to write. The trouble is when I spice things up I often end up in trouble - a bit like the time when writing up my teaching observations at a drug hostel I decided to offer my five top tips for teaching adolescents. One of those pointers was to "never, ever talk about sex or you might wake up the next morning next to an acne-faced teenager."  I can't remember the other four points but they were equally in bad taste. Boy, did I get into trouble for that one.

It's unfortunate that folks just don't have much humour any more - well not if they work in local government. Which is ironic as when I look at our politicians I often think to myself "Boy, have we as a nation got a sense of humour!" Mind you, some people just have abs…

Appointment with Theft (A short story.)

“Are you having a coronary?”
            Small pieces of Albert’s scone flew over the table cloth.
“What, dear?” Albert spluttered, dabbing at the spewed crumbs with his napkin whilst reluctantly looking away from the buxom young lady at the adjoining table.
“Your eyes are bulging.”
            “Are they? But there’s nothing wrong with me. I was just thinking about…strawberries.”
“Strawberries?”
“Yes…this is fine strawberry jam indeed. The best I’ve ever had!”
Martha sighed. Albert was so predictable. He could home in like a pigeon on any pair of breasts over a 36c. She’d never quite forgiven him for that moment at Brighton beach in 1965 when, after a whole day drooling like a rabid dog over Doris Fleming’s bosom, Doris had slapped him across the choppers.
Albert’s obsession was humiliating, but at least it allowed Martha to focus on her own projects. Currently, her interest was solving mysteries. Detective work was very rewarding and she was becoming quite skilled at it. She’d already return…

When Lying Comes Easy

A lot of people think a third world war will start in the Middle East.

I think it's more likely to happen on the edge of a tennis court somewhere in the English Home Counties.
You know, I'm convinced that if all the irate tennis mums channelled their energies into politics this country would soon be back on its feet again. The threat of terrorism would be wiped out instantly. Some butch tennis mum yelling "Let your balls stray on my court Mr Foreigner and you are in big trouble!" would have even the most harden terrorist quaking in his boots. This is because a tennis mum is a ticking time bomb which can spontaneously explode unleashing a whirlwind of aggression and mayhem. I've heard stories where some tennis mums have actually come to blows. And I'm not kidding!
I hasten to add that this is not the lovely Mrs T (who once or twice may have lost her cool with other cheating, conniving parents) but who is always on the side of righteousness and would never, eve…

Stephen Hawking and the Case of the Reborn Doll

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The great scientist Stephen Hawking, author of A Brief History of Time, doesn't understand women.

Well that's a relief. I was worried that his seismic career might end with a whimper with some curious titles like A Brief History of Women in Stockings  or The Universe is a Women's Mind or possibly even Black Underwear and Baby Slings and Other Essays.

But fortunately, Mr Hawking hasn't got to grips with women yet so we won't be subjected to any such titles which is a huge relief. I would have felt compelled to purchase them just to see if his theories were right. However, it turns out Mr Hawking is the same as any other man - he doesn't have a inkling about women. Praise the Lord. I wouldn't want my female cunning to be exposed.

Yep, I've been married for over 20 years and Mr T still hasn't got a clue what's going on in my head. This means that, as yet, Mr T isn't bored with me and hasn't ditched me for a younger model. Now I'm convin…

Season's Greetings

Happy New Year Everyone!

2011 has been a very hard year for many people around the globe. So I hope that wherever you are and whatever your circumstances the new year brings you all peace, prosperity and good health.

 My best wishes to you and your families.

And a big Thank You for taking timeout to read my blog.

Jane