Showing posts from April, 2012

Because of My Deep Affection for Tom Cruise

I know I mention Tom Cruise too often. I'm sorry, I can't help it. He's just so small he's gotten under my skin. Anyway, it's wet and rainy, cricket is rained off, tennis is rained off and I feel a little unwell. Therefore, there is nothing else to do but cheer myself up as best possible.

So I have designed a special suit for Tom to wear in the next Mission Impossible film which I believe will be call Mission Impossible: Rabbit Warren.  I love this suit and I think Tom will too - and since I only had to buy size 13-14 years which was a snip at £98.00 I may even order a second suit just in case his ears get caught in a trap.

My Garden and Elizabethan England.

I am building a boat. It has been raining far too much lately. My back garden which has already been decimated by Master Ben's chickens now looks like a cesspit. It's wallowing in mud. It probably looks like London in Tudor times. The only difference is - instead of me throwing excrement out the window I have chickens on hand to save me the trouble.

It must have been great fun to live in Tudor times. Apart from the cholera, dysentery and the plague. And all those men dressing up as women on stage. No wonder the men wore tights all the time. I think there was a lot of gender confusion going on. To be honest, I'm not even sure if Queen Elizabeth was a woman. For a start she never had any children and she wore those big dresses - and you can hide a lot under one of those dresses. Even a small circus. In fact,  I wouldn't be surprised if Queen Liz employed a dwarf who hid under her skirts and picked the lice out of her petticoats. He might even have played the lute when sh…

I am all of a dither - should I buy this gift?

Oh Readers, I've just been on Amazon and browsed through their deals of the week and saw an article of clothing I am sorely tempted to buy for the good Mr T. In fact, as soon as I saw it I immediately thought:

Why that is just so stylish and elegant for the debonair man the about town. I am sure Mr T would love to wear it!

And Readers, this lovely article of clothing is only a paltry £98.00. I think it will make a great gift for any man for Father's day. Start saving now.

So what do you think? Shall I get it or not? Honest opinions please.

Oh Gosh - I'm not sure about the colour though. Maybe I should go for the pink? Although I'm not sure if my budget can stretch to £140 for this one which is obviously very fashionable indeed at the moment.

 Hmm...or maybe the red?

Oh God, the dilemmas, the dilemmas! Maybe I should just throw caution to the wind and buy all three. I might even get one for his brother. I'm sure he'd really appreciate one of these lovely suits fo…

Me and My Courtesy Car

Yes, I am driving a courtesy car. This is because last week I managed to successfully wreck the clutch on my Ford Cmax. Apparently, according to everyone I know, it is because of my (lack of) driving skills - apart from my good friend Mrs A who is blaming it on normal wear and tear.

Now that's what I call a true friend.

So last week Master Ben and I set off for Cambridge for a tennis tournament and it became apparent en route all was not well with my car.  As we returned home later in the day, we had to negotiate a small but steepish hill just outside of Cambridge where the revs moved into the red danger zone and there was simply no power at all in the engine - despite my gentle verbal encouragement - which normally my car responds to very well indeed. We only just about made it to the top of the hill - whereupon I knew a difficult journey lay ahead.

Thus followed a humiliating journey - I actually had to stay in the inside lane and at one point even sit behind a caravan. Frankly,…

Stop talking about shoes!

Warning: this article may offend some women: read at your peril.

Please, please, please, please, please stop talking about shoes.
Look, I like shoes. Some I like better than others.  I walk in them, play tennis in them, occasionally dance in them and sometimes I even muck out the chickens in them.
But I do not want to read about them, either in magazines, books or newspapers unless it's a humorous article which points out how ridiculously stupid and expensive some of them are or it's something poignant like my friend Marie's article here.
I also do not want to see them on the cover of any book. A book with high heels on it is like a red rag to a bull to me - it screams to me;
Hello, I'm another tedious piece of anal chick lit! I will probably have numerous references to designer shoes and handbags and after you've read me you'll wish you spent your time scrubbing the loo or cleaning out the compost bin.
Okay, so I supposed you want to know what brought this rant…

I have had too much white wine

I've been up since 5am - who can blame me? So I am currently working my way through a bottle of dessert wine which is 16% proof. The fact I can type is actually a miracle. Thank goodness for spell checker. God may have made man in 7 days but I reckon on the 8th day he made spell checker. Don't you just love him?

Anyway, Mr T believes I am working at my writing. Which, of course, I am - as blogging is writing. Of sorts. Still, it's a good learning curve. That's what Quasimodo said when he reached the top of the bell tower. He was also pretty knackered. But then again, that's what happens when you stuff your shirt with a bale of hay and 2 chickens.

I should say that when I have had too much wine I am liable to say anything. Which is why I restrain from such decadent behaviour on a regular basis. It's also because I have a prenuptial agreement.

You know, one of the funny things I've noticed over the years when I'm a bit tipsy is that I have amazing powers …

Born to be a clown

I have a habit of being a clown. It comes naturally. I look around me and see sophisticated women everywhere and wonder where I went wrong.

So today I got so excited watching Master Jacob play tennis that when I went to sit down I sat on the edge of my chair, tipped it right over and landed on my arse and splayed all over the floor in front of about twenty or more people. Much to everyone's amusement.

And I thought the petticoat incident was bad enough. Oh wait a minute, there was the knickers round the ankles incident too....

I am 47 years old. These things are not supposed to happen. What's more I still get spots.

It is soooooooooo unfair - I am lodging a complaint with Him Upstairs!

On another matter, here's my favourite record of the moment; I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz. I went to see him in concert a couple of years ago and what a heap of talent he is. This is the sort of music I like to listen to in my car when I need to chill out after I've just made a comp…

Midget Gem Outrage (No 2)

Following up on yesterday's article on theunscrupulous overpricing of Midget Gems at Tesco, today I am bringing you my report on the price and quality of Midget Gems at Tesco, Morrisons and Aldi. I did a lot of hard work on this (which sadly may now involve my acquiring a new set of dentures) so I hope you all appreciate my sterling efforts.

So, I will do the pricing element first. The Midget Gems I have selected for this process are what I call "Home Brand" Midget Gems.

200g bag at Aldi = 34p

Excellent value. Finally, the Germans did something right. I quite like the packaging too - sophisticated although a little too black perhaps. Reminds me of...jackboots. I'll say no more as I know I have a terrible habit of mentioning the war which, frankly, is just childish of me. Anyhow, these days the Germans concentrate on making Midget Gems in the Ruhr Valley which is good news for everyone. In fact, I gather Aldi have also had so much success with these in the UK they are …

Midget Gem Outrage (No 1)

Yes, I've finally got round to talking about those lovely little sweeties called Midget Gems. So in order for you to understand the importance of this article I shall  first give you a bit of background to this high powered, utterly crucial and extremely well researched consumer article.

Hang on. I've just remembered I have half a packet of Midget Gems left in my drawer. I'd better eat them before they go stale.

Mmm... Mmm...

So, back to business. Wait a minute. I've got one stuck on my teeth. Where's my toothpick? Right, off you get now...come on you little bugger...move. I said MOVE. Okay, that's better...

Now where was I? Ah yes -so my boys and I and indeed the good Mr T are very fond of Midget Gems (hence forth known as MG) and for a long time, after the boys finished tennis in the evenings, I would often stop and pick up some MG from the Tesco Express we pass on the way home. The MG were in the Tesco "value" range and priced at 33p. The boys woul…

Quills: Madness, Mayhem and the Marquis de Sade

I watched a terrific film last night calledQuills which I don't know how I've missed up until now bearing in mind it was released in 2000. To put it simply, it's about madness, mayhem and the Marquis de Sade. Apparently, there have been some rumblings about historical inaccuracies but I think that is of little consequence; the film is an absolute delight and deals with such a wide range of themes; mental illness, sex, religion, literature, politics, violence, censorship in a marvellously entertaining way. Obviously, if you're not one who enjoys those sort of topics, which are dealt in a very upfront and colourful manner, then it's not for you but otherwise I would heartily recommend it. And with a terrific performance by Geoffrey Rush as Sade, supported by Michael Caine, Kate Winslet and Joaquin Phoenix and a superb script Quills is an all round winner.

A Beautiful Storm: A Writer's Dilemma

Two days ago, on my early morning perusal of the online newspapers I came across an article on the Daily Mail written by journalist Samantha Brick with the title "There are downsides to looking this pretty": Why women hate me for being beautiful." Obviously, with an eye-catching title like that I was instantly intrigued and read on. My immediate reaction was laughter and delight -I chuckled all the way through it. I could not believe that a woman could write such an article about herself and one which, without doubt, would paint her in a very bad light in the eyes of many people and open her up to universal condemnation. Of the many thoughts that crossed my mind about Samantha Brick (and I leave it to you all to make your own opinions as to the validity of her arguments) the one thing I thought was that Samantha must have a very thick skin indeed because no way could someone write an article like that and not expect some sort of backlash and vitriol.

It now transpires t…

Are we having we a fuel crisis or not?

Look, if the sodding fuel truckers are going strike - will they just do it or forget it! The whole issue of whether we are or are not going to have a fuel strike is driving me bananas.

So last week I had to fill up - as I usually do when the tank is nearly on empty. I was lucky there was still some fuel available but I suppose that were some people who needed it who didn't get any. Why do people with G reg Ford Cortinas, usually about ninety years old, an excess of shopping bags and who haven't come out of their house for twenty years make a special trip to the petrol station to drain every last drop of fuel so people who actually need it can't get it? This also happens when there is any other kind of shortage too. Okay, okay I know the answer really - it's because they are panic buyers. And they drive me stark raving mad! So can I say just for my own pleasure and for no other reason than that I want to let off steam;

It's a fuel shortage you nutters - not the end o…