In the end I decided the best thing to do was to make everyone fall off their chairs. Yeah, I know it doesn't sound that conceivable but remember this is MY book and not David Mitchell or Philippa Gregory - or indeed anything remotely resembling literary writing.
Here's what I wrote. Now remember this is just a first draft. It may get better or worse or very possibly, even sillier. I may even edited it out entirely. However, this will probably give you a taste of the completely stupid world that I inhabit. You are welcome to give feedback. Obviously, if you think it's rubbish then do say so - I already have a large file marked "Rubbish" so it won't break my heart and it will be darn sight cheaper than using a professional editor. And, of course, if this were somehow to become a best selling novel you have the chance to say you knew me when I was just a poor, confused housewife and helped to shape my