Sunday, September 23, 2012

Silly Voices, Stray Cats and yet more about Bikes

Yesterday I made first mention of Mr Spectre, my new cat. Mr Spectre is not like ordinary cats. (Not that  I've been lucky enough to have that many "ordinary" cats - most of them have had deep seated personality disorders.) However, Mr Spectre is perhaps more disturbed than most cats because he lived on the street for nearly three years. Basically, he's emotionally damaged. Well that's what a US pet psychiatrist would say after charging you fifty bucks.That's opposed to a UK pet psychiatrist who would say;

 "And what is Mr Spectre's postcode? SW 19? Right that's fift...a hundred pounds. Now about long term treatment for his personality disorder.... "

However, since Mr T was made redundant I've had to economize so I've worked out Mr Spectre's problems myself. I've watched him defecate in the hallway, in the bathroom and on the upstairs rug. I've watched him eat a croissant and a blueberry smoothie and chase his tail around and around in circles. He stalks Mr Bond and anything resembling mice, toes and legs or indeed any part of the lower body. When he's not attacking me when I'm in a defenceless position in the bathroom, he's under my feet in the kitchen or on my chest looking at me with evil eyes. And when he not glued to my side like a limpet he's camped on the stairs where he can see all the action and is in prime position to attack any pair of passing feet. He rarely appears to sleep and he is constantly talking to me. If I speak to him he meows right back. He is probably the devil in disguise but the one thing I am sure about is - He is nuts.

So obviously Mr Bond (my other cat) is a bit put out. However, the other consequence of Mr Spectre hanging around is that Mr T has suddenly noticed that I spend a lot of time talking in silly voices. In fact I think he is thinking of sending me to a psychiatrist. Now I have always talked to animals in silly voices - it's one of my endearing characteristics (am I selling this to you well enough?) but it's probably got worse since the boys went to school and I spend a lot of time alone. But now Mr Spectre has arrived and Mr T is at home a lot my "endearing" trait is looking more like a... personality disorder. Anyhow, this is how a conversation with Mr Spectre might go:

Mr Spectre: Meow, meow, meooowwww....

Mrs T: So you want to go out? (In a silly voice obviously.)

Mr Spectre: Meow

(Mrs T walks to door and opens it. Mr Spectre sits down in the hallway and looks outside.)

Mrs T: I thought you said you wanted to go outside?

Mr Spectre: Meow

Mrs T: It's too cold for you? 

Mr Spectre: Meow.

(Mrs T closes door.)

Mr Spectre: Meow, moew, moewwwwwwww

Mrs T: Oh you do want to go outside! Just getting use to the temperature?

Mr Spectre: Meow.

(Mrs T opens door. Mr Spectre stays rooted to the spot.)

Mrs T: Aren't you going outside then? 

Mr Spectre: Meow.

Mrs T: In? (Closes door) or out? (Opens door) 

( Mrs T repeats opening and closing door five times whilst becoming increasingly agitated.)

Mr Spectre: Meow, meow, meow...........meow, meow, meow.

Mrs T: Hmm...I see - you want some food?

Mr Spectre; Meow.

Mrs T: Biscuits?

(Mrs T fills bowl with biscuits. Mr Spectre turn his nose up into the air.)

Mr Spectre: Meow, meow, meow.

Mrs T: I see - you want meat?

(Mrs T puts meat in bowl. Mr Spectre sniffs it and turns away.)

Mr Spectre: Meow.

Mrs T: What?! You want chicken flavour? What's wrong with beef?!

Mr Spectre: Ahhh....meow, meow, meow, meow, hiss, meow.

Mrs T: Hmm... how about a... a croissant?

Mr Spectre: Meow!

Yep, so what you can tell from this typical conversation is that I spend a lot of time talking to animals. (Bear in mind there are 7 chickens in the garden.) Now I like to think I know what animals are saying and I wrote about this attribute in my post I can talk to the animals. However, the sad truth is, Dear Readers, is I don't have a sodding clue what they're saying. Which probably just means I'm a mixed up middle class woman with a deep seated psychological problem. Luckily, my problems are probably not so great as the people who Goggle "I can talk to the animals", " My parrot and I are in love" and "My cat told me to speak to a medium" and who end up here on my blog on my post I can talk to the animals. Now those people are genuinely NUTS.

I love Statcounter. (It's a statistical analysis website.)  It tells me all sorts of facts and figures about my blog - for example which countries people come from to read my blog. At one point, I was big in the farming community in Germany. I wanted to know why they were discussing me `but I would have to had joined their community to find out so I couldn't be bothered. Besides, I failed my German O Level so my German only goes as far as "Ve Von zee War. Ha, ha, ha." so I don't think I would have struck up that many positive conversations. It probably wasn't that flattering anyway - not unless they found my quintessentially English sense of humour particularly amusing. (Ho hum)

The most interesting thing about Statcounter though  is discovering what  phrases people put in Google which bring them to my blog. I am always deeply satisfied when someone has got to page 274 on Google and has then clicked on my blog. It's good to know that after wading 274 pages of rubbish something catches their eye about my writing. Anyhow, my two most popular searches at the moment are Saucy Story (My short story Caught Short) where I am paged ranked no 1. (Fame at last - wish I'd made it into an Ebook) and my post The Bike with One big Wheel and One Small Wheel which is also ranked on page one of Google. Now I should be thrilled about this but the sad fact is far, far, far, too many people don't know that The Bike with One Big Wheel and One Small Wheel is called (and I say it once again) A PENNY FARTHING.

So, Dear Readers, I have a solution to this lack of historical bike knowledge; I intend to make a bike documentary. I will be both producer and presenter of this documentary - thus catapulting myself to world wide fame as a respected authority on antique bikes and solving the Turley financial crisis in one fell swoop. I have been putting my ideas together for this breathtaking and enlightening documentary. It will go something like this:

Opening credits;

The Bike With One Big Wheel and One Small Wheel

Produced, presented and directed by Jane Turley.

Then the credits will cut to a shot of me standing in front of a bike with one big wheel and one small wheel. I will be wearing a Victorian costume to add to the gravitas of the situation. Then I will slowly move to one side to reveal the full bike at which point I will say:

"This bike with one big wheel and one small wheel is called.....


I repeat... it is called ....A PENNY FARTHING.

(The added phrase - "you dimwits" will have been edited out.)

Then the credits will roll.

It's a penny farthing!

Right - so that's today's writing therapy. God knows what tomorrow will bring.


  1. Everyone talks to pets don't they? And it would be stupid to use your 'everyday' voice; they wouldn't understand!

  2. I don't know if everyone talks in silly voices - but at least I know you do now, Martin!

    I feel slightly less alone in my madness:))


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