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Showing posts from 2012

Fun Romantic Fiction

Hey, it's Christmas. I've not been around for a while. So here's some fiction from my bottom drawer (ie it's not my current work in progress) to keep you amused and to say thank you for coming to read my blog. I hope you enjoy it.

Merry Christmas, Everyone. Wishing you all peace, love and laughter wherever you are in the world.

The Journalist

The dark closed in on her. She felt a delicate touch run up her leg, a predatory kiss sweep fleetingly across her lips. Warmth ebbed and flowed around her and a shiver of excitement, the anticipation of a new forbidden lover, tingled up her spine. “Your time’s up.” The doors of the flotation tank flew open. Robyn’s eyes sprang open for a brief startled moment as the light poured in to her capsule. She squinted and saw Cheryl’s inquisitive face looking down at her.             “Day dreaming again, Robyn?”             “Why, why, why do you always open the door at the most inappropriate time?” groaned Robyn. “I was just about to be ravish…

Yet More About Where's Wally Onesies

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Too many people are googling Where's Wally Onesie and arriving here on my blog. I am assuming these people are just having a laugh and are not actually contemplating purchasing the said offending item of clothing.

Either way, I am declaring a National State of Emergency. 







Christmas, Turkeys, Lofts and Sunday Drivers

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Yes, I know I'm always banging on about Sunday Drivers. I can't help it. They are the bane of my existence. So here we go again....

Christmas is coming. I know this, not because of the tinsel or the fairy lights or the fact that the radio is playing Fairytale in New York over and over again, butbecause the Sunday Drivers are out midweek. Yes, in the run up to Christmas Sunday Drivers actually leave their bungalows to venture out into the big wide world. The only other occasions during the year that they travel midweek are for their MOTs, doctor's appointments and visits to the crematorium. (Not usually in their own car though.)

Anyway, earlier this week I was stuck behind two Sunday Drivers (a group outing obviously) travelling at 40 mph on an A Road (60 mph speed limit). Usually when this happens I have to suppress the desire to conduct daring and suicidal overtaking manoeuvres. However, on this occasion my first thoughts were...

When are the last posting dates?

Do I have…

It was a simple task...but

I go to get the eggs out of the chickens' nesting boxes. There are three eggs. As I pick them out my reading glasses fall off my head and down in between the nesting box and the lid of the hutch onto the floor of the cage.  So I balance the eggs on the plastic corrugated cover under the blue exterior sheeting and reach down: but there's no way I can reach my glasses.

Humph.

I go inside and get the barbecue tongs. I come back out, remove the bricks and wood that are weighing down the blue plastic exterior sheeting and roll it back up over the nesting boxes. Then I remove the plastic corrugated cover underneath the blue exterior sheeting. The eggs which I'd forgotten about fall off the corrugated sheeting down alongside my glasses and then blue plastic sheeting unfolds and drops down covering my glasses with snow.

Humph.

I finally lift up the wood frame and chicken wire lid to the chicken hutch. I retrieve my glasses and the eggs with my barbecue tongs. My cardigan gets caug…

Stop Press!

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STOP PRESS!!
The Value of Damien Hirst's art has fallen by 30%!

At last there will be room in the modern art circles for me to forge a career! In celebration of this long awaited and overdue news I am posting a celebratory piece of my own artwork which I think far exceeds anything Damien has produced. It is called Sunset over pail of shit.






Fond memories of Larry Hagman and friendship

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On the news this morning I read that the actor Larry Hagman, the evil villain of the Dallas TV series, has passed away after a battle with throat cancer.

I've never been a fan of soap operas or long running TV series but Dallas is one the very few that I have watched more than most. Mainly this is because Dallas and its glamorous counterpart, Dynasty, were very popular with my girlfriends at university. We would often meet up in a friend's room (she was fortunate enough to have a television in the days when it was still considered a privilege) and watch the weekly episode. It was a communal affair where relationships were built over cups of coffee, cheap biscuits and berating Larry or Joan for their latest misdemeanours.

 They were good times.

Life has changed a lot since my college days with access to TV shows available to anyone with a computer or a mobile phone. I suspect it is much easier for students - or indeed anyone- to fall into a solitary existence whilst on the surf…

What are you getting your partner for Christmas?

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I'm getting Mr T a carpet cleaner for Christmas for all those nooks and crannies that somehow I just don't manage to clean very well. It's a statement present.

The unfortunate thing is that Mr T will probably like it.



Onesies II : You'd have to be a Wally to wear one

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Do your remember Miss L? Miss L is my friend with whom I had a spat with over the actors Martin Shaw and Lewis Collins of The Professionals. Well, Miss L in response to my post You Are Kidding Me? Some Women Wear Onesies? emailed me to advise me that onesies for men ( a hideous concept)  featuring Wally from the Where's Wally book series are on sale in a department store in the UK. What's more, Miss L even offered to go in and make a purchase on my behalf. Naturally, my first thought was to de-friend Miss L on Facebook but then I came to my senses and remembered that Miss L really is a good friend and would not intentionally want to upset me with ghastly imagery of Mr T wearing a Where's Wally onesie.(Although I still haven't forgotten that Miss L has actually met Lewis Collins. And at some point there will have to be payback.)


So back to my story - Miss L advised me that Mr T and I could have a lot of "fun" trying to find Wally on his onesie. I must now coun…

I Like Spam

I've been feeling a bit bored today. I have plenty to do though. In fact, too much to do which is why I probably can't settle down to do anything in particular. The laundry, the ironing and the general  cleaning is screaming out at me as well as the possibility of a search and rescue mission for some old underpants in Master Jacob's room which smells distinctly of vinegar. Curious. There's also my book to continue which is now over 50,000 words. However, I just can't settle to anything at all.  Nope. No can do. To use an English expression: I kinda have ants in my pants but due to boredom not excitement.

Anyway, boredom usually leads in my case to depression. Not bi-polar which is for the celebs but the kind of depression that lead to chocolate digestives and strong cups of coffee laced with whiskey. Maybe even a doughnut or two. Or if I'm feeling really suicidal - filing my nails and actually painting them.

However, I am now no longer bored today! Hurrah! This…

Oh My! Ten Wholly Crap thoughts relating to Fifty Shades of Grey

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1. As a child E L James was probably obsessed by Batman. This has obviously left her were a life long legacy of writing like a comic strip author with an obsession for gimp masks.

2. You can write wholly crap and still sell bucket loads of books. This is excellent news for any unpublished author. I am currently practising my writing techniques by watching the complete series of Batman. I am going to follow it up with Spiderman, The Incredible Hulk and Thunderbirds. This will ensure that any racy novel I may write in the future will feature lots of oversized men in tights wearing quaint little hats who can contort themselves into all sorts of positions. Kinky.

3. Cable ties are not just for cables. I truss up my Christmas turkey with cable ties but I now know some people truss each other up with them. The last time I was at the garden centre and asked for cable ties the assistant gave me a querying look to which I replied: "The last time I trussed up my husband was in 1991. That w…

In Defence of Thomas

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Forget Thomas Hardy. Forget Dylan Thomas. Let’s talk about the Thomas who has made more impact than any of his namesakes.

Let’s talk about Thomas the Tank Engine.

I want to make one thing clear first. Nothing would make me happier than taking a flame thrower to Thomas or blowing him up with a stick of dynamite.

You see, as the mother of three sons, over the last 18 years I've read every Thomas book and watched every spin-off video. I've even sat through that awful film starring Alec Baldwin which was like having pins stuck through my head. I've also trudged through countless engine sheds and had my bones shaken till I'm on the edge of a breakdown whilst enduring “fun” steam rides. In addition, I hold Thomas personally responsible for the time when pregnant with No 3 the miniature steam engine I was sitting on derailed. If that imagery isn't enough to make you queasy, let me tell you I've also risked my life by driving with one hand whilst pointing out the windo…

You Are Kidding Me? Some Women Wear Onesies?

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Earlier in the year I talked about an item of clothing that has now grown so huge in popularity it is featuring on the news, radio and in the national newspapers. It's called the Onesie. It's basically like a baby's sleep suit - only for adults. If you remember, I personally designed one for Tom Cruise back here. (Age 13- 14 obviously.) Just in case you forgotten this is what it looked liked:


Sadly, this morning when I did my early morning peruse of the papers I saw a GROWN WOMAN wearing one of these here. Unfortunately, the photographer took the picture of her also clutching a large teddy bear -so not only does she now look ridiculously stupid but also mentally unstable. 
Now, I have to say, I am not convinced that any woman in her late forties and who has had children would wear a Onesie so I think this article is possibly a put-up job by The Daily Mail. Here's why:
1. As anybody who has ever worn a jumpsuit will know - you cannot get out of them in a hurry. This mea…

Seriously???

I just rang the school transport service for a replacement bus pass for Master Jacob.

Brrring Brrring, Brrring, Brrring

ReceptionistHello, School Transport Service

Mrs T: Good morning, I need a replacement school bus pass for my son.

Receptionist: Is he of school age?

Mrs T (in her head) No, he's a F***** pensioner.

Mrs T (out loud) Yes.

I now know why I can't get a job - I am too clever.


Skyfalling to a Stop

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Yesterday we went as a family to see the latest Bond movie, Skyfall. I don't want to give any spoilers so I'll just say it was far superior to the last Bond movie which had kind of lost the plot. Well I lost the plot of it anyhow and I couldn't be bothered to revisit it either as I have done most of the Bond movies over the years.

So anyway, after all the trauma and excitement of a big Bond climax I had to go where all ladies have to go after two hours and twenty minutes with Mr Bond - the lavatory. So I rushed off to the Ladies, pulled open the big red entrance door with a queue of ladies behind me and started tugging at the next door that comes into my vision. I tug... I pull... I try to wrench the door off it's hinges with a muscular Bond vice-like grip but the darn thing won't budge. Eventually, a voice chirps up behind me:

"That's the broom cupboard, Love. The toilets are straight ahead of you."

Well how was I to know? You see that's what Mr …

Breaking News

As occasionally happens I must interrupt the inactivity on this blog to report ground breaking news;

I have just used a magnifying glass to read the baking instructions on a packet of bread mix.

Shit.

Sandy and Stormy Weather

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We Brits are always moaning about our weather. We can make a moan about the weather last an entire afternoon. Sometimes we can make it last all winter, especially if there's more than one inch of snow. Yes, if there's more than one inch of snow the entire country grinds to a halt, especially the transport system which can't even cope if a leaf blows on the track. Believe me, Readers, if you're ever suffering from depression in the UK you do not want to go and visit your relatives using public transport because it will finish you off and you'll be underneath the wheels of  a high speed train before you know it. Have you ever stood around at a British train station and noticed that everyone looks like their mother's died, they lost out on a pay rise and they just discovered they've got alopecia? Well if you have - it's because the network is running two hours behind schedule due to a solitary leaf blowing on the track in an obscure station in North West S…