Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Oh My! Ten Wholly Crap thoughts relating to Fifty Shades of Grey

1. As a child E L James was probably obsessed by Batman. This has obviously left her were a life long legacy of writing like a comic strip author with an obsession for gimp masks.

2. You can write wholly crap and still sell bucket loads of books. This is excellent news for any unpublished author. I am currently practising my writing techniques by watching the complete series of Batman. I am going to follow it up with Spiderman, The Incredible Hulk and Thunderbirds. This will ensure that any racy novel I may write in the future will feature lots of oversized men in tights wearing quaint little hats who can contort themselves into all sorts of positions. Kinky.

3. Cable ties are not just for cables. I truss up my Christmas turkey with cable ties but I now know some people truss each other up with them. The last time I was at the garden centre and asked for cable ties the assistant gave me a querying look to which I replied: "The last time I trussed up my husband was in 1991. That was on my wedding night when he got caught up in my tights."

It looks sophisticated but inside it reads like my intestines feel after a bad curry.

4.  When a twenty one year old virgin meets a twenty seven year old multi-millionaire heavy petting and whipping is on the cards. When a eighty one year virgin meets a eighty seven year old multi-millionaire it's just cards or, at best, playing Doctors & Nurses. Unfortunately, the doctors and nurses in those instances usually involve a trip to ER.

5. I am probably not the submissive type although for a small fortune I might reconsider. In fact, going with the latest trend I'm thinking of auctioning myself on Ebay to the highest bidder. I will be putting a reserve price of ten pence and a packet of cheese and onion crisps.

6. The latest rival to E L James is the author, Sylvia Day, whose novel Bared to You is apparently selling well. She said this about Fifty Shades:

 "The Fifty Shades series is a Cinderella story, where the characters seemingly have no flaws." 

Well yes, Fifty Shades is indeed a rag to riches story but do Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele really have no flaws?  What planet is Ms Day on? The two protagonists are totally screwed up: Anastasia talks like Robin and Christian acts like he's been shut in a wardrobe for twenty years with his penis caught in the door.



7. I should have bought Fifty Shades of Grey in paperback instead of on Kindle. We were short on kindling for Bonfire night.

8. The key to a heroine bagging a billionaire or romantic hero is to study literature, become a bookaholic and preferably work in publishing or in a bookshop. Working in a library will not suffice as billionaires do not visit libraries as they only buy limited edition or antique books - unless it's a contemporary sex guide in which case they download it on their Kindle.( A billionaire is obviously very clever so he can make do with just the text as, ironically, all the illustrations on his Kindle will be totally f**** up.)

9. It was not worth me reading the two later books in the Fifty Shades series as I already knew what would happen. Indeed, after I read the reviews of the sequels I was so encouraged by my powers of prediction I thought about starting a career as a psychic. However, when I applied to take a psychic's diploma course I was told I didn't have the suitable qualifications to undertake such a demanding course. Apparently one must either have a degree in literature, work in publishing or in a bookshop.

10. I am still awaiting the release of a book about ways to improve my laundry skills under which false pretences I bought Fifty Shades of Grey. I would nominate Domestic Goddess, Nigella Lawson, to write this book only the thought of her making out with her bedsheets the way she makes out with Crème Brulee makes my stomach heave.

On a final note: you can easily see from this episode of Batman how E L James was heavily influenced by Batman. In this episode Batman and Robin are trapped in side a box room full of spikes and subjected to the evil torture of the purring Catwoman. I can only thank god that E L James watched Batman rather than Marine Boy because I just don't think I could stomach an undersea version of Fifty Shades of Grey.


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