Thursday, January 30, 2014

Ten Reasons Why I Love Americans

1. Over 100, 000 Americans have just signed a petition to have Justin Beiber kicked out of the US. That action deserves a round of applause. True, there's been the odd occasion I've thought Americans were all bonkers (Eat Pray Love, election of George Bush Jnr, Kindegarten Cop) now I know they're not. Hurrah.

2 Lots of Americans wear really big hats and I like hats. I especially like those ten-gallon hats cowboys wear. I also like the hat Huggy Bear wears in Starksy and Hutch. Cool.

3. I like Americans' style. Even though Americans blow each other's heads off with guns they still manage to justify their gun policy on the grounds of personal safety. In England we call that irony. In the US they call it logic. As I said, I like their style.

4. Americans spell words wrongly. I've got used to it. In fact, I find it rather cute. It reminds me of when I was at school at the teacher would look at me fondly and say "Well done, Jane. That was a really good attempt."

I was 5 years old at the time.

5. Lots of Americans read my blog for which I am truly grateful. I'm sure they are picking up lots of tips on how to behave when they come to the UK . We love Americans over here. And, if they can wear a ten gallon hat and a (plastic) pistol around their waists, we'll love them a whole lot more. Alternatively, some Americans might want to experience what it is like being English and get into some role playing by eating cucumber sandwiches and talking posh like Mrs T. For this  they will need to wear a bonnet and pantaloons to get "in the mood".

I will meet them at the airport. With the customs officials.

6. The American and English nations have a lot in common.  For example, we both have "Tea Parties." To be truthful, I think our English tea parties are a lot more fun as these involve our obligatory cucumber sandwiches, sponge cake and in-depth discussions of Winnie the Pooh. As far as I can see American tea parties just consists of a whole bunch of fruitcakes.

7. Walt Disney was American and I love Disney movies. This could change of course but, luckily, I haven't yet seen Miley Cyrus in Hannah Montana - The Movie.

8. Seth MacFarlane is American. If I was single I'd probably want to marry him as he makes me laugh so much. The only trouble is I think I am actually more attracted to his dog. It's the woof that does it.

9. Americans voted in Ronald and Nancy Reagan as their President and First Lady which took some balls as, generally speaking, most film actors don't know what reality is. Admittedly, most Americans probably didn't know that Ronald told Shirley Maclaine that he was directed to go into politics by an alien who had stopped him on his way to a Hollywood party - but, nevertheless, I still say it was a courageous decision. I am currently trying to persuade Posh and Becks to go into politics. Who wouldn't want to see Becks giving a speech outside no 10?

"Ummm. We've scored a bit of a home goal with this...un..ah.... immigration policy......... Anyone want to play footie?"

I hope he's wears his Calvin Klein underpants.

10. Americans can be very forgiving, generous and kind. I know this from my writer's group which has a lot of Americans in it. They are quite tolerant of my sense of humour really. I'm not sure why - maybe it's something to do with the fact that they I think I'm related to Mrs Thatcher and they all secretly fancied her. What d'you reckon?

Friday, January 24, 2014

From subversive to submissive

I'm having a hell of a morning, folks. Full of disappointment. Now this is not because Master Jacob has forgotten his PE kit AGAIN and I've had to drive into town to drop it off - because three days in a row would have resulted in a major depression as I would have known for sure that my son was incapable of remembering anything but his first name. So all's good - just two days in a row and he's even managed to catch the bus every day this week. Yippee.

The truth is I'm depressed because I've received an email from Amazon trying to sell me a matching set of placements and coasters. Now this is depressing because, frankly, I'm not looking like a very dynamic person if all they can try and seduce me with is placemats and coasters. How about sending me an email for a super-charged vibrator or a sit-on lawn mower? Or maybe a helicopter flight or a massive chainsaw?  Cos you know, I like to consider myself still relatively lively for 48 years old. There's still some life in ol' Mrs T yet. I'm not sitting in front of my fire with my feet ensconced in a foot warmer, wrapped in a waffle dressing gown and studying the Sunday supplements for bargain hearing aids.

Not just yet anyway.

So, if getting an email trying to entice me to buy placemats and coasters wasn't bad enough - the pictures on the placemats they wanted me to buy was even more of a kick in the teeth.

It was artwork by the once subversive street artist Banksy.

Who is now selling his art for use on placemats and coasters. Gez. Talk about being commercial and conventional. I mean one has to assume Banksy knew what was going to happen to it - or at least have a very good idea.

Ah well, I suppose age makes people lose their ideals. Still selling out for placemats is sinking pretty low.

As for me? At the moment, I'm still after a ******* huge chainsaw but I guess my time will come too. Those bed socks get more appealing every winter.

Everyone can have fun with a chainsaw. Even a business geek. I want to see if this one is going to try and cut his hair.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Interrupting the deafening silence

Yes, I know I've have not been around much of late. However, today I had to break the silence to report a crime so heinous by one of the Young Masters that it can not go unreported. When they return home from school today I will be wearing my Spanish Inquisition frock and my kitchen tools will be laid out for ready for use. I will find out whether it is Master Benedict or Master Jacob who is the perpetrator of this unforgivable crime.

And what crime is this I hear you ask?

Well, dear readers, this morning I opened my email account and found a record of an unexpected purchase from itunes.

One of the my boys has downloaded Let Me Go by Gary Barlow.

GRR. I thought I was doing a good job with their music education. I shall have to review my methods.

My Nominees for the US and UK Elections and Other Waffle

It's the early hours of the morning, and I have had a large gin... Late-night alcohol is always a good recipe for writing gibberish. And...