Thursday, January 30, 2014

Ten Reasons Why I Love Americans

1. Over 100, 000 Americans have just signed a petition to have Justin Beiber kicked out of the US. That action deserves a round of applause. True, there's been the odd occasion I've thought Americans were all bonkers (Eat Pray Love, election of George Bush Jnr, Kindegarten Cop) now I know they're not. Hurrah.

2 Lots of Americans wear really big hats and I like hats. I especially like those ten-gallon hats cowboys wear. I also like the hat Huggy Bear wears in Starksy and Hutch. Cool.

3. I like Americans' style. Even though Americans blow each other's heads off with guns they still manage to justify their gun policy on the grounds of personal safety. In England we call that irony. In the US they call it logic. As I said, I like their style.

4. Americans spell words wrongly. I've got used to it. In fact, I find it rather cute. It reminds me of when I was at school at the teacher would look at me fondly and say "Well done, Jane. That was a really good attempt."

I was 5 years old at the time.

5. Lots of Americans read my blog for which I am truly grateful. I'm sure they are picking up lots of tips on how to behave when they come to the UK . We love Americans over here. And, if they can wear a ten gallon hat and a (plastic) pistol around their waists, we'll love them a whole lot more. Alternatively, some Americans might want to experience what it is like being English and get into some role playing by eating cucumber sandwiches and talking posh like Mrs T. For this  they will need to wear a bonnet and pantaloons to get "in the mood".

I will meet them at the airport. With the customs officials.

6. The American and English nations have a lot in common.  For example, we both have "Tea Parties." To be truthful, I think our English tea parties are a lot more fun as these involve our obligatory cucumber sandwiches, sponge cake and in-depth discussions of Winnie the Pooh. As far as I can see American tea parties just consists of a whole bunch of fruitcakes.

7. Walt Disney was American and I love Disney movies. This could change of course but, luckily, I haven't yet seen Miley Cyrus in Hannah Montana - The Movie.

8. Seth MacFarlane is American. If I was single I'd probably want to marry him as he makes me laugh so much. The only trouble is I think I am actually more attracted to his dog. It's the woof that does it.

9. Americans voted in Ronald and Nancy Reagan as their President and First Lady which took some balls as, generally speaking, most film actors don't know what reality is. Admittedly, most Americans probably didn't know that Ronald told Shirley Maclaine that he was directed to go into politics by an alien who had stopped him on his way to a Hollywood party - but, nevertheless, I still say it was a courageous decision. I am currently trying to persuade Posh and Becks to go into politics. Who wouldn't want to see Becks giving a speech outside no 10?

"Ummm. We've scored a bit of a home goal with this...un..ah.... immigration policy......... Anyone want to play footie?"

I hope he's wears his Calvin Klein underpants.

10. Americans can be very forgiving, generous and kind. I know this from my writer's group which has a lot of Americans in it. They are quite tolerant of my sense of humour really. I'm not sure why - maybe it's something to do with the fact that they I think I'm related to Mrs Thatcher and they all secretly fancied her. What d'you reckon?

2 comments:

  1. Mrs. Turley,
    Thank you, thank you, thank you! Being American can often lead to endless lectures about politics, religion and sex. I needed to know that some one likes me quirks and all. Here's to your wit and humor. Hopefully my own humor crosses over.

    1. Justin Beiber, politicians, Eat Pray Love, awful movies. How could we ever defend loosing that upon the world?... Sorry world. Our bad.
    2. Hats, hats, hats. I admit that until recently the appeal escaped me. One afternoon I playfully plopped one on my noggin and pouted at my impervious puss reflected in the mirror. Presto! Bianca Jagger in her 1970's glory. I immediately purchased three traffic stopping beauties.
    3. The constitution should have said y'all can bear arms after a full psych eval and not if your nutters!
    4. We don't spell words wrongly. It's our pioneering spirit. We like reinventing the wheel.
    5. I will wear the bonnet and pantaloons if you meet me at the airport wearing the 10 gallon hat and plastic pistols. Cucumber sandwiches in hand we will ask to share the same padded cell at the asylum.
    6. In the United States a fruitcake is just a bunch of fruits and nuts soaked in booze. No one actually enjoys them it's just tradition to smile politely while tolerating their presence. As soon as no one is looking you off load the whole thing in the rubbish bin and pray no one ever gives you another but alas, there is always someone who deems it hilarious to bring the offending item to the party. Which is also a tradition. As for me I prefer my version a tea party which is sipping peppermint tea from my Alice in wonderland tea set while fending off my cat whom has developed a taste for said beverage.
    7. I love Disney. I love, love. I love hope and optimism. I buy it on all levels. Give me something to believe in. When I want reality I will read a newspaper. In fact I have season passes to Disneyland and am planning a trip sometime soon. You are welcome meet up with my husband and I. We know all of the silly Disney secrets and are always excited to share.
    8. I love a man who isn't afraid to look silly. It's one of the reasons why I adore my husband he lets it all hang out. While I was writing this tome he was dancing in the hallway wearing his underclothes. How could I not fall for a guy so willing to shake his Groove thang?
    9. I remember when Reagan was voted into office. Clint Eastwood was the mayor of a small town on the California coast. Jesse Ventura (of wrestling fame) was the Governor of Minnesota and I was living in California while Schwarzenegger was the Govenator. We sure are willing to take a chance. Granted it doesn’t always work out as we intended.
    10. Americans can be loud, arrogant and surly but are also generous, kind, warm and inclusive. We are made up of as many contradictions as every other nationality and yet we carry in our hearts the belief in "happily ever after." Like an annoying sibling we will fight with you and after some time approach you hat in hand, eyes pleading for forgiveness.
    Mrs. Thatcher seemed like a lovely woman with balls of steel but Mrs. Turley we love you for who you are. You will always be our family across the pond. We thank you for accepting us warts and all.
    -Mrs. Kolp
    Housewife, accountant, chauffeur, chef, lover and maid.

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    Replies
    1. Hello Mrs Kolp and welcome to my Witty Ways!

      I'm delighted you enjoyed my post:) And that it inspired you to one of equal length! These are the fun things about the internet that I enjoy so much - the opportunity to meet people from all over the globe and open up a whole new world of knowledge, opportunities and friendships:)
      There are too many divisions in this world - it's good to be able to see the funny side of things, laughter is a good force for healing:)

      If you're a Disney lover - here's something you might enjoy. A bit corny but I'm afraid that's my style!

      http://www.janeturley.net/2012/08/fantasia-fictional-tribute-to-walt.html#.U59eKvldWSo

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I am always delighted to receive comments!