Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Bring on the Ear Muffs: The US Open and a Case of the Squeals

I watched the American Open yesterday. Victoria Azarenka was playing Samantha Stosur in what would have been a quarter final thriller had I not had to put up with all that high pitched squealing from Azarenka. She sounded like a wild boar who'd just snorted a tonne of coke and was indulging in an orgasmic orgy with a sow. By the end of the match I'd plugged my ears with cotton wool, put on my winter woolly hat and stuck my red Christmas earmuffs with the reindeer horns on my head. I may have looked silly but at least I didn't sound as silly as Azarenka.

When it got to the third set tiebreak I was on my knees begging Samantha Stosur to just stop the game and say:

Would you mind stopping squealing like a wild boar who's just snorted a tonne of coke and is indulging in an orgasmic orgy with a sow because I just can't concentrate!

Anyway, Samantha didn't stop the match and she lost which was a great pity. And what's worse than Samantha losing was that the next match on court was Maria Sharapova and Maron Bartoli. Sharapova is also related to a wild boar. Fortunately, rain stopped play before I had to put on Mr T's deerstalker.
The Wimbledon Shop will be selling Deerstalkers next year. These hats, once used in rural areas and for sports such as deerstalking and made famous by Sherlock Holmes, are set to become the latest tennis apparel. Andy Murray will be wearing one with matching checked shorts and T shirt and a Burberry track suit. The Adidas logo will be emblazoned on the left ear flap. 

Anyway, I just don't get the need for all this squealing. How come some tennis players can hit the ball with all their might and don't make any noise or, at worst, a low pitched guttural sound and certain female players sound like they've found an unwanted snake down their knickers? Now I play tennis and occasionally I let out what I would call a grunt (not a squeal) but this certainly isn't on every ball and probably it's only on a ball where I've got out of position but I'm still trying to hit the ball very hard and the unnatural position has made the shot more forced. Master Jacob who is an excellent tennis players rarely makes any sound at all and Master Benedict occasionally makes a noise but mostly this is for comedic effect. In fact, most tennis players I know make very little noise unless they are particularly tired or dressed in drag pretending to be Maria Sharapova during a late night mixed doubles match. 

Anyway, if Sharapova wins today I think she'll be playing Azarenka. What a hideous thought. The only solution is to wear Mr T's deerstalker and get sozzled on Martini.

1 comment:

  1. YOu know Mrs. T, I've often wondered too at all these noises these tennis players make these days. But since I am not a sports person at all, I thought maybe there's something special in those noises, which I am missing. Glad to know that sports people like you feel the same too :-)


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