Saturday, April 14, 2012

Stop talking about shoes!

Warning: this article may offend some women: read at your peril.

Please, please, please, please, please stop talking about shoes.

Look, I like shoes. Some I like better than others.  I walk in them, play tennis in them, occasionally dance in them and sometimes I even muck out the chickens in them.

But I do not want to read about them, either in magazines, books or newspapers unless it's a humorous article which points out how ridiculously stupid and expensive some of them are or it's something poignant like my friend Marie's article here.

I also do not want to see them on the cover of any book. A book with high heels on it is like a red rag to a bull to me - it screams to me;

Hello, I'm another tedious piece of anal chick lit! I will probably have numerous references to designer shoes and handbags and after you've read me you'll wish you spent your time scrubbing the loo or cleaning out the compost bin.

Okay, so I supposed you want to know what brought this rant on. (By the way it's 4.30 am I have indigestion so I'm a little grumpy.) I was perusing the internet and I came across an author who was promoting her first novel. The cover of the book did not feature a pair of shoes. Excellent. So I read the author's bio which said amongst other things:

She has great collections of African sculpture and Italian heels.

I don't think I need to explain myself any further. 

All I need now is to read that Samantha Brick is publishing a book about shoes and I will probably take a gun to my head.


  1. Oh Jane!!! Thank you so much for citing my post!! You are so wonderful!!

    I hate books with high heels on them too. Instant turn off. Part of that is probably jealousy that I could never quite pull off a pair of high heels. I am just not the type. I am the practical-serviceable-sensible shoe type. Although my inner Stevie Nicks occasionally breaks through and I will get something like the sequined sandals I wore to my son's engagement party. But mostly I look like the Queen from the ankles down.

    I am sorry you were up with tummy troubles. :( I was too! I think it is my gall bladder. I treated it with a bowl of ice cream. :D The pain quadrupled but the ice cream was quite delicious.

    Love you Jane!! xoxoxo

  2. Thanks Marie - you are always so generous in your thanks! It's one of the traits I love about Americans - always so enthusiastic - whereas us Brits are so very restrained. I guess even if I won the lottery I'd probably say something like ; "Hmm..I seem to have six matching numbers Mr T, you can turn on the lights now - we no longer need candles...." or something like that...

    You know shoes can be an interesting topic if they're discussed properly like in your article - I might even post some of my favourite shoes sometime - it's just this constant banging on about designer shoes and bags in books and films - as if that all defines us - you know silly women with no brains and obsessed with material things. I like shoes as much as any women - but really I don't want to read about them in novels as they are just a tiny part of my life! Anyhow, how many of us actually live SJP in Sex and the City? Not many.

    The tummy trouble was my own fault - I stuff a load of Cereal (Nut clusters ) at about 11pm last night before going to bed - that's what Will Smith in Bad Boys does to you!

    I'm watching Bad boys 2 tonight - I've run out of cereal but now you've mentioned ice cream you've got me thinking!!

    I hope you're feeling better too, Marie:) X

    (Ps one X from me means a lot from a Brit - 2 Xs and we might have to shack up together!!)

  3. "(Ps one X from me means a lot from a Brit - 2 Xs and we might have to shack up together!!)"

    Hey, I've been single for a long time, I'm game! lol

    I am honored to be the recipient of an X. :)

    Now I am of Irish and English descent, so I grew up in a very reserved family. Saying "i love you" would be akin to showing up at the dinner table naked. And it would be received with same horror. But after 30 years of therapy, I am less inhibited than I used to be. lol As a result I am wanton with my x's and o's. Sending you lots of both!astpDi elppencre

  4. Let's face it, Marie. Living with a woman would be a whole lot easier than living with a bloke - even taking hormones into account!

    I have to clean the loo this morning. I'll say no more:))

  5. It's gotta be the shoes!

    (If you're slightly confused about that sentence, check out YouTube by searching "Spike Lee" and "Nike")

    In all seriousness, I put almost minimal effort when using shoes in a story.

    As a matter of record, the only shoes I use with any regularity in my stories are:

    1} basketball sneakers.
    2} combat boots.
    3} stilletos.

    So as you can see, I am definitely not a fashionista as it applies to shoes.

  6. A high-heeled shoe on the cover? You know it's going to be rubbish and so, I suppose, those pictures are quite helpful. (Some chick-lit rubbish doesn't have a picture of a shoe on the front and then you find yourself wasting twenty minutes of your life discovering you've been 'had' ...)

    While we're here, I have a collection of half-used batteries and some spare dining chairs but, alas, I haven't written a book. Yet.

  7. I looked up that Ad G - I'm in agreement with Michael Jordan - it's a man that maketh the shoes and not the shoes that maketh the man!

    You know it's not the fact that shoes are featured in stories that make me mad - it's just the elevated importance they're given in a woman's world. GRRRRRR!

  8. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha Mrs B. I had a really good laugh at that - now get writing cos frankly a novel about half used batteries and some dining chairs sounds far more interesting than your average chick lit novel!
    Hell - they sound like something you could use to make a nuclear shelter - Way To Go Mrs B!!!


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