Wednesday, February 27, 2008

More ludicrous waffle....

Oh what joy, at last I have (temporarily) finished doing all those charitable deeds that a mother of three boys must do and at last I am free to blog again! Anyhow before I get going tomorrow on various dubious subjects connected with the Art of Housewifery I thought I’d post my latest football report for the BBC; I’m afraid all that talk of Luke Warmwater put me in a Star Wars frame of mind over the weekend. There’s not a lot about football in it really… anyway if you like it and fancy reading other complete garbage in the vein of Charles Dickens and Jane Austen click on my BBC links for the other drivel.

Soccer Wars; The Return of Samba
Southcott Owls U7 3 -7 Samba Rio U7

A long time ago in a field far, far away there was a great Soccer War. The Rebels, Aylesbury Athletic, who came from a hidden Buckinghamshire base, had lost their first conflict against The Evil Sithcott Owls.

During the first battle, Samba Pele lost 2-4 but now they were fielding their premier team, Samba Rio, in an attempt to win The League and steal the secret plans of Sithcott’s ultimate weapon; The Death Ball, an armoured football with enough power to destroy an entire army of Droid football supporters.

Pursued by The Emperor’s secret agents, Darth Johnston and her Sith Younglings, The Young Jedi Masters of Samba took to the Sithcott field in the attempt to save their reputation, steal The Death Ball plans and restore sanity to The League……..

Darth Johnston, standing tall and flinging her black cape around her, assembled The Sithcott Younglings at her feet for a severe scolding. They crouched fearfully as today she was in a mood as vile and wretched as a school dinner because across the field The Evil Emperor of The Sithcott Owls, Chairman Murtagh, was training yet more Sith in the wicked ways of the Dark Side. The Chairman too was in a foul, hideous mood because despite his devilish powers he had not been able to discover the Magic Elixir of Eternal Youth and was growing even more aged and withered on this the day of his 40th Birthday. His only compensation were his plans for The Death Ball which he had secretly hidden in his shorts; it was Darth Johnston’s unpleasant task to protect these plans at all costs, for which she needed her infamous mask.

“Now Young Sith you must use your trust in The Dark Side to win this match,” commanded Darth Johnston. “Use The Force and it will make you strong; if you win you will become more powerful than you can ever imagine!”

The thought of increasing their Dark Powers inspired The Sith into some forceful, attacking play in the first quarter from captain Benedict Turley and his able conspirators Jake Sanders and Jaime Hunt and within minutes Sanders had scored a fine goal. The defence partnership of Craig Rattray in goal, Karl Waydick and Miles Drabwell was also looking resilient. Drabwell was particularly adept, running the full length of the field to add to the strength of the Sithcott attack. Rattray kept a clean sheet and as the end of the first quarter drew to a close Sithcott were looking formidable.

In th
e second quarter The Samba Jedi began to utilize the noble powers of The Force as their passing and aptitude began to increase. Unluckily though, they had forgotten their lightsabres but fortunately so had Sithcott… so both teams had to make do with their right foot and occasionally, their left. If Samba wanted to restore balance it was vital that they equalised and sure enough, despite Sithcott keeping up the pressure with substitutes Lauren Avery and Tommy Johnston on the field, Samba fired an unstoppable shot that flew into the top corner of the Sithcott goal over Turley’s head to bring the score to 1-1.

In the third quarter, the more experienced Samba’s skill began to show as they shot two more goals past Rattray to take them into the lead. Sithcott began to tremble with fear because the wrath of Chairman Murtagh was known to be awesome and should he loose his plans for The Death Ball there would be a punishment worse than death. (Watching a Luton Town FC match.)

In the final quarter Sithcott began to panic as their defence fell apart entirely and Turley was abandoned in goal with only his gloves for protection. In quick succession Samba shot four goals past him. Turley’s anger began to mount and his eyes glow red as the power of the Dark Side began to grow inside him.

“Where are you Sith?” he cried “You are my brothers! Do not leave me to the mercy of The Samba Jedi!”

Suddenly reawakened by the cries of Turley’s distress and fearful of Darth Johnston’s anger Sithcott regrouped and in the dying minutes Sanders scored two rapid goals to bring the final score to a more respectable 3-7.

Turley’s mother was returning to her Speedo with her son trailing behind. He was still furious with the defeat and as his mother strapped him into his restraining harness she could see his eyes burning with intense rage.

“This is the end for you Mother,” he said. “You were supposed to buy me magic goalie gloves that would bring victory to the Sith, not leave us in defeat. You will suffer.”

“I am no stranger to the Sith,” replied his mother. “Do not underestimate my powers.”

“My strength is growing and yours is fading,” the juvenile Turley responded, drawing out his water pistol. “And now Mother you must feel the full force of the Dark Side!”

Meanwhile, The Young Jedi of Samba gathered proudly in the centre of the field and made as if to capture Chairman Murtagh. Fortunately, he had surrounded himself by a huge circle of vicious Trainee Sith, so fearful for their lives and not enamoured by the idea of retrieving The Death Ball plans from his shorts, Samba decided to return to Aylesbury knowing that they had won the second conflict fairly.

However, Samba should be warned that with more practice, the naturally talented but relative novices of Sithcott, will soon Strike Back.
© Jane Turley 2008


  1. Waited with bated breath to see what powers the Mother of the Sith goalie had but was sorely disappointed!

  2. Sorry about that Sue but it's very possible that The Dark Side will return in Sithcott Strikes Back when perhaps all will be's possible that The Mother of The Sith will have some extremely dangerous powers..possibly involving chocolate...
    (Anyway, I can't believe I'm getting away with it... there not exactly the most accurate football reports are they?!)

  3. yeah, but then there are probably other parents out there reading it and possibly Star Wars fans and some football fans with a sense of humour (or is it that most football fans lack a good sense of humour?):D


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