Sunday, June 1, 2008

Table Talk; Usha's Tag.

What’s your favourite table?

My favourite table is a roulette table; so much quicker for mixing that batter.

What would you have for your last supper?

A perfect steak, creamed potatoes, freshly cooked vegetable (especially young runner beans.) Followed by hot apple pie and vanilla ice cream. A tot of Benedictine and a piece of dark chocolate. Alternatively, if time was pressing I’d just have Pierce Brosnan (covered in chocolate).

What’s your poison?

Ask Mr T. When he comes out of the coma.

What would be your 3 indredients on a desert island?

I’ve been hoping to crash land on a desert island for some years; a kind of enforced diet at which I couldn’t possibly fail. I reckon I could last 6 months without food so no problems there. It would be best if I had some company though and if a rescue party didn’t arrive I could always resort to cannibalism. So I reckon I’d better take Pierce for starters, Kevin Costner for the main course and ummm…
Master Sy for dessert. I’m choosing Master Sy for dessert because he would keep me laughing in between bites and also he tells me he’s a little…por.. …cuddly….so if necessary I could live off him for a further six months.

What would you put in Room 101?

Obviously, all cook books and celebrity chefs. No wait a minute that’s too nice; they should be sautéed and of course drizzled with a little paraffin first. Would it be OK if I chucked in Mr Brown as well? Roasted? Oh yes and probably the entire contents of my pantry which is generally 2 years out of date. (Personally, I think a little mould adds to the flavour but doctor in Casualty keeps telling me otherwise.)

Which book gets you cooking?

The Karma Sutra.

What was your childhood teatime treat?

Penguin biscuits. There were four children in our family and not a lot of cash! These biscuits were a real treat. In those days they came in only red, green and blue wrappers. But there was only ever ONE with the blue wrapper and we always argued over it even though the biscuits were identical underneath! Kids eh?

Oh by the way my younger brother John always won…cos he was little…. You know how the story goes…
…Yeah and come to think of it, he ALWAYS got the cream of the top of the milk too… Now I’m feeling really, really cross…the no good rotter always scheming with his long eyelashes and pretty face…. Humph… the next time I see him I’m gonna give him what for…… yeah and I’m gonna take his blanket away and burn it, tread on his plastic soldiers and throw darts in his teddy bear…. That’ll teach him to usurp his sister!

What was your most memorable meal?

That one meal I did not burn……..back in in 1992.
Although come to think of it my wedding meal was pretty good; all my friends and family. What could be better? And my father (and I know I’m prejudiced) gave the best speech I’ve heard at any wedding. Lord, they can be disastrous can they not? At times like weddings it is great if the speakers have had some experience of public speaking…remember Four Wedding and a Funeral?!

What was your biggest food disaster?

I asked Mr T this question; I thought it was more appropriate. This is what he said nodding his head sagely

“ Well…you could pick anything you’ve cooked over the last 17 years.”

Yeah, thanks Mr T. You should see what I’ve got planned for tonight…..

What’s the worst meal you’ve ever had?

Oh please, please please stop torturing me…. You know it’s one of mine….. let this poor woman be…..

Who is your food villian/hero?

I have no food heroes, except Captain Birdseye and of course Mr Kipling. Mr Gordon Ramsey is obviously the food villain…. But you know there’s something about him I quite like….I think it’s his passion…. Hmm passion in a man is goooood.

Nigella or Delia?

Shoot them both, that’s why I say. Obviously, I’m not talking real guns here; Mrs T doesn’t condone violence unless it's on The School Run where it is an obvious necessity. But what the harm in an egg shooting MK42? Or a custard pie missile launcher?

Vegetarians: genius or madness?

Neither; skinny.

Fast food or fresh food?

Oh, even Mrs T prefers fresh food… in a kind of packaged way…..

Who would you most like to cook for?

George Bush; instant solution to all the world’s problems.

What would you cook to impress a date?

Me. My flame throwing and grilling act is hysterical so I can get pretty hot on a first date!

Make a wish.

Leaving aside my desire for The One Chocolate, I’d kinda like to be there where Walt Disney wakes up from his Cryogenic suspension... just so I could tell him the world is ending the next day.

What’s your dream dinner party line-up?

Oh this is tricky…. Pier…..Ok, Mrs T will be serious for once because this is an interesting question. So excluding friends, bloggers and family here we go;

Scientist; Professor Robert Winston; a brilliant and learned scientific mind.

Naturalist; David Attenborough; with all his seen and done who could not be fascinated.

Michael Woods; Historian, writer and TV presenter.
First of a generation of historians who have brought history to the masses; anyone who can make old pots exciting has gotta be good. (And in his younger days he looked pretty hot. But that has not affected my choice in anyway. Not at all. Not in the slightest.)

Writer; Richard Curtis. A humorous and yet sensitive man. Writer of Blackadder (Mrs T’s favourite British Comedy Show), Four Wedding and a Funeral and Love Actually. What can I say? A comedy genius.

Actor; from the acting profession it was a toss up between Tom Hanks and
Clint Eastwood. Tom Hanks is probably the better actor but on balance I’d have to go with Clint because of his age and experience. (Also he pulls a trigger pretty well.) Michael Caine is old favourite too. (Who could forget him in Zulu? One of my favourite films.) But Clint is more reclusive so to study him close up would be fascinating.

Midge Ure. Lead singer of the popular 1980’s British band Ultravox, famously remembered for the song Vienna which was kept of the number 1 spot in the UK charts by a very silly tune Shaddup You Face. Midge is actually a very talented singer/ songwriter and accomplished musician. Alongside Bob Geldof he penned Do they know it’s Christmas? (Although I’m sure he would admit it’s not one of his best) and organised Live Aid. (NB He also has a yummy soft Scot’s accent.)

Tony Benn. I haven’t always agreed with his political viewpoint but there’s no doubt he is extremely intelligent, caring and sensitive - unlike some politicians he does not seem to have been corrupted by power. As I get older I’ve appreciated him more. He grows on you..."If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people."

Comedian; George Bush? OK, this is a tricky one for me as I love comedy but I think I’m going to have to go with
Paul Merton for being consistently funny, naturally quick witted and with superb comic timing. Principally, he is famous in the UK for the topical news quiz Have I got news for you?

All round Good Egg;
Stephen Fry; writer, actor, raconteur and humorist. This man is so learned and well read it is just untrue. I’m sure just dining with Mr Fry alone would be enough for anyone; a feast of stimulation. Of course he’s written many books, performed in plays, television and films and presented many television show. He is versatile, colourful and always thoroughly entertaining and intellectually stimulating but he also obviously has a much deeper and thoughtful side. I’ve observed the course of his career for many years, the highs and the lows (He also a manic depressive) and it’s been fascinating. I suppose I’ll always remember him best for his outrageous comic performances in Blackadder, alongside Rowan Atkinson and Hugh Laurie. If any of you recall his performance as the Duke of Wellington let me tell you I modeled my whole parenting concept on his ideology for treatment of his troops “Shout, shout and shout again!” (Let me tell you also as a parenting concept it works very well indeed…although a little tough on the vocal chords.)

And since I'm learning new tricks all the time here's the clip from Blackadder featuring Stephen Fry, Hugh Laurie and of course Mr Rubberface himself, Rowan Atkinson. I hope you enjoy it!

Ok th
at combination of men pretty well satisfies my intellectual curiosity but you know a gal’s gotta have some flirtable material. You know what I mean? So I guess I’d choose Jeremy Clarkson, columnist, writer, TV presenter and lover of fast cars. What can I say? I just luvvvv him! Ok, physically he’s past his best (a little paunchy these days) but he is so funny, sharp and horrendously politically incorrect. I reckon we’d get on like a house on fire! (Well, I’d be on fire but I expect he’d kind of smolder like a burnt out car.) Annoyingly he actually has a distant association with Mrs S but they are not in contact now which makes Mrs T’s blood boil with fury. All Mrs S needs to do is send him a Christmas card and reestablish contact and then Mrs T is in there!( Maybe it’s something to do with that mocking Christmas card Mrs sent Mrs S purporting to be from Tom Cruise last year. You know I thought the mock up of Tom, Katie and baby as Jesus, Mary and Joseph was kinda funny. Maybe Mrs S was a little annoyed with me…..)

Who else? Oooh … Ray Mears; ex SAS, survival specialist, writer and TV presenter. Again I find him attractive but in an entirely different way to Jeremy Clarkson. Like Mr Clarkson he’s not exactly George Clooney but nevertheless he has a most appealing, natural manner. He has a sense of inner calm which comes to only those who know themselves well; maybe it’s because he’s spent a lot of time alone with his thoughts. A man in touch with himself and with nature is a very intriguing and I suppose I’m kinda jealous. On a more physical level, naturally I wouldn’t mind being stuck in The Outback with him because frankly any man who can light a fire without matches really impresses me! Lord, when he rubs those sticks together it drives me crrrazzy!! In fact Mr & Mrs S and Mr & Mrs T went to see him give a presentation which was fascinating. Mr T was deeply worried beforehand though as Mrs T had planned to tell Mr Mears in the Q&A session that she knew of an unexplored bush that perhaps he would like to explore...…. Needless to say Mrs T was forced to drive, avoid alcohol and duly strapped in her chair under pain of death. (Hmm, Mr T can be a real spoil sport at times; I think Mr Mears would have enjoyed giving the answer.) Ray has made many documentaries on survival but one of the ones I've enjoyed most was his eulogy about The Lord of the Rings on The Big Read, a national search for Britain's most popular book of all time. (Lord of the Rings won.)

Well, on examining my list I realised it is sadly lacking in women. Of course who wouldn’t be intrigued if it was possible to dine with Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana and find out the truth of their deaths? Marie Curie would also be interesting figure too; a pioneer for women scientists and perhaps Emily Pankhurst for her contribution to the liberation of women. But I’ve deliberately avoided historical figures; there are just too many secrets of the past to discover so I’ve stuck with contemporaries. So of course there’s the other Mrs T, Mrs Thatcher
but I guess I know what she would say and she’d probably end up giving everyone a lecture! Then, I suppose there’s Hilary Clinton (Who wouldn’t like to be a fly on her wall?!) and a host of other notable woman. But at the end day I think I’d choose another woman who I think would really enjoy the conversation and is also funny, versatile and always entertaining and comes across as a decent and honest person and that women is the actress Julie Walters.

So that’s it then. Oh and maybe a mysterious stranger just for the added thrill!

So there you go! Mrs T thought’s… thanks for the fun
Usha! I tag Master Sy and Mr Intrepid because there both obsessed with food; Master Sy in a kinda Fast Food way and Mr Intrepid in Haute Cuisine kinda way. Yeah, Mr I keeps telling me he likes a fruity little number but Lord I reckon he’d look pretty silly covered in dress made of banana skins and a pineapple on his head. Master Sy would of course look supreme in a new Batman outfit made of Macdonald’s wrappers……

Copyright Jane Turley 2008


  1. I already have a superman costume out of KFC boxes...but I am working on the batman outfit at the moment. The cape is made out of they are thin enough!

  2. I am sooooooo glad I tagged you. I knew there would be some hilarious stuff you'd cook up but this is just awesome.
    I couldn't handle it all in one go so kept coming back to savour in small measures.
    I totally agree with your candidates for Room 101.
    You Mr.T actually said THAT and you cooked him another meal. Saint Jane, let me touch your feet!

    Stephen Fry - I loved this man as jeeves. That video excerpt from black adder was terrific ; now I must get hold of the whole movie.

    Will come back again for another helping soon. I think you ought to write more and make millions so you can cook less by having a chef.

  3. Sy, I just can't wait to see that cape... and if I get hungry I can always have a nibble! Do you mind if I smear you in tomato ketchup first?

    Hey Usha, thanks for the praise; I'm really glad you enjoyed it: I certainly enjoyed doing it...having questions and interaction from others always inspires me.

    I'm afraid Mr T did actually make that comment...the words came straight out of his mouth..usually it's his tea which comes straight out of his mouth so I suppose I can consider myself lucky! He didn't get anything special again!! Monday night is a big activity night with the kids and tommorrow isn't much better either. However, tommorrow I'm planning something EXTRA special.... I'm planning to put toppings on the pizza! What d'you reckon?

    Stephen Fry is unique and Blackadder is a superb comedy that has lasted the test of time. There are 4 series set in different historical periods and all of them are just great.The last series is set in WW1 and says as much about the futility of war as perhaps any serious movie; comedy can be just a poignant force as tragedy. In fact that series is actually now shown in school History lessons in the UK! If you can get hold of the Blackadder series I guarantee you will not be disappointed!

    I would love to write for my living..I am writing a novel but I'm afraid I've been too lapse lately; I love this blogging world but I also know that soon I must buckle down otherwise my dream may never come a reality! Hmm.. I'm certainly gonna dream about having a chef though....

  4. Wow... The ever creative Miss Jayne strikes again. Curiously funny! I'm in awe at your wit. Thanks for the Tag. You know where I stand - giggle, giggle. When I finally stop laughing at your answers I'll try to put something together.

  5. Ketchup or Jack Daniels BBQ sauce is alllll good with me. Mmmmm.... I wonder if it is morally and socially wrong to want to eat your own clothes?!

  6. So Miss Jayne is "curiously funny" Mr I? I will take it as a compliment, as I know you're a gentleman, however it does make me sound a little like I am on day release from the zoo...

    I will look forward to reading you tag. But obviously only after I've had my quota of nuts and bananas.

    Master Sy...of course is morally wrong to eat your own clothes! Are you some kind of weird sicko?! I shall have to report you to social services!
    (By the way have you tried those new cherry flavoured edible underpants? Thy're deeelllicious!)

  7. The only cherry I want to taste is...oh yeah, I love eating clothes! Socks can be a little on the funky side, but a shirt...that badboy can keep your hunger pangs away alllll day!

  8. Oh gee, Mrs T--you're the best! That really was one awesome tag connected with food. I really do wish we could get together and compare notes on food.

  9. I'm with you on Michael Wood although he hasn't aged well...

    However...have you seen that AWFUL L'Oreal men's face cream advert with Mr P Brosnan esq? Have you? Have you? Well?

    And has it not cured you?

  10. Ah Mrs A ..welcome back..just in time; I was just settling down to some arduous housework and decided to check for distractions on my email and here you are... Oh hurrah! Mrs T will successfully avoid yet more housework for at least another 5 minutes!!

    Oh yes I entirely agree.. Mr Wood was as delicious as one of your nut and ganache choclates in his youth but alas now he looks like one of those poor coconut chocolates left at the bottom of The Quality Street Tin.... but we must give credit where credit is due; he has done lots to bring history into the public eye...

    Ah yes the Loreal Advert... Mrs T says she was a little disenheartened to see Mr Brosnan so demeaned... for he is man enough not to need such beauty preparations... but then she thought of the increased size of his wallet, as it well known Loreal are generous, and maybe she could forgive him for his indiscretions.( Although Mrs T thinks they could actually have a done a much better advert..a spoof James Bond or something of that ilk.. hmm a little more creativity was needed and rather less hair gel....) Whay say you Mrs A??

  11. Love your dinner list! Ray Mears! Mmmmmn! I've bought a few of his books for Mr B but, so far, no evidence that he's read them. I think it was around 1999 and I didn't really believe all that stuff about computers turning everything off but I bought books like that just in case. Nope, still haven't even been camping.

    Read a scary article in the papers yesterday. It was about how, if we all ate insects, that would solve world food shortages. Gasp! Ray would know what to do ....

  12. Well it explains P. Brosnan's continued absence from the streets of Leighton Buzzard - he is too busy with his skin care routine. And snooker playing.

    Give him up Jane - he's Not Worth It.

    But before you renounce him for ever let's have your screenplay for the L'Oreal ad. Hint - it has to include Men Expert Vita Lift in it somewhere...

    Or was it Men Expert StannahStairLift?

    (I met Michael Wood in a pub in Oxford once. Sigh. That was before he turned into a coconut creme...)

  13. Ha, ha, ha Mrs A! I see you are in fine comedy form of late. But I must say a screenpay for a Loreal Ad sounds just up my street...I shall think upon it.... Hmm face creams and stannah stair lifts? I fear this could be a screen play with a difference....

    Poor, Poor Mr Brosnan you are soo cruel to him.... are you telling me that you didn't find Mr Brosnan in The Thomas Crown Affair even a little bit appealing???? Are you awaiting a cataract operation like Mrs S?

    You have met Michael Wood? Oh dear me, I am exceedingly jealous AND you have met Tony there no end to your connections Mrs A? I'm afraid the best I do is the priveledge of being in a lift with Dame Edna Everage in full regalia. In addition, my brief conversation with Rod Hull was alas not as amusing as I had hoped as he did not have his emu with him. Shame really.. I'd like to have stuffed my hand up it....

    Now, have you decided on the gentleman for your next poetical outing? How about Mr Brosnan... he might want to up his artistic stakes ... yes.. I can just see him reading...

    Ode to a Face Cream...

    O, for a pot of cream! that hath been
    Coold a long age in the deep delv'd fridge
    Smelling of Flora and the country-green,
    Dance, and Provencal song, and factor 15!

    What d'you reckon?

  14. Ah Mrs good to see you again!I trust the strains of half term have now disapperared. Tis a most awful time I know and by the end of which I am almost ready to eat my own food..which as you know is not advisable bearing in mind our recent discussion on the art of stew making... I fear I may choke on those whole potatoes..

    Ah yes the lovely Mr Mears...who else would a gal want to be with in times of crisis? Although I admit I would not want to indulge in a fried centipede or a finely roasted slug...I would rather eat Mr Mears... ho, ho.

    Ah Sue..thank you for your comment which is much appreciated.. now if I take your comment literally then I'm afraid I have no "notes" on food.. although I don't think that will come as a surprise to you!! However I am always happy to discuss the finer intricacies of chocolate..and indeed cream cakes...

    Master Sy eats his own shirts??? Well I never heard of such a crazy thing. Why, I know it is commonplace to eat one's own hat... but a shirt Master Sy? What if the sleeves got wrapped around your tonsils? Would that be the end for Master SY?? I can see the headlines now..

    Hamster Suffocated by Deadly Shirt...

    Yesterday a man purporting to be Hamster was supposedly attacked by a viscous shirt while in the M&S Men's Department. The Fire Brigade were called and the shirt was extracted from his throat by use of a vacuum cleaner. To the horror of the store manager it was learnt that the man had in fact been attempting to eat the shirt but he had found it a little frilly. Being a little short changed in the brain department he had not discerned the difference between a dinner shirt and a dinner....


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