Thursday, October 31, 2013

Lattes, Mottos and Coffee Shops

Question: what's a motto?

Alrighty, let's first establish that a "motto" is not a new type of fancy coffee. Because if someone asked me would I like a motto I'd probably reply; "No, I'd prefer a latte, thank you."

You know, coffee shops confuse the hell out of me with all the different types of coffee and flavourings.They're popping up everywhere. We even have a barista bar at one the fancier tennis clubs we go to now which is revolutionary; I'm used to taking my own flask of coffee or paying fifty pence for coffee that's indistinguishable from liquid detergent. Anyway, at that particular barista bar, if I now ask for a coffee they look at me as if I've spoken a foreign language and I have to qualify my request:

"Yes, a coffee. A normal one: coffee, water. In a cup. Hopefully, delivered in less time it takes to watch an episode of Downton Abbey."

Question: Do you need a degree to be a barista?

Those barista bars look incredibly complicated though with all their knobs, pipes and steam shooting out everywhere, don't they? In fact, I'm sure barista bars were designed using the prototype of George Stephenson's steam engine the Locomotion - which took about two and half hours to travel from Liverpool to Manchester in 1830. That's about the average time it takes to get a cup of coffee in Costas. When there's no queue. If there's a queue - basically you're *ucked.

So where was I? Ah yes. Mottos. Well, mottos are not coffees they're statements used to express a principle, goal, or ideal or they're an expression adopted as a guide to one's behaviour. James Bond had a family motto. It was "Orbit non sufficit" or "The world is not enough". Here's a few other mottos:

My motto is: more good times - Jack Nicholson.

No surprises it was Jack who said that. Although, if it had been Michael Douglas I wouldn't have been too shocked either.

Attempt the impossible in order to improve your work - Bette Davis.

I keep attempting to stack my saucepans correctly in an attempt to improve my housework. Unfortunately, I keep failing. Again - no surprises.

My motto is: Live every day to the fullest - in moderation - Lindsay Lohan. 

The fullest being in her pockets - the moderation being when she's not wearing her overcoat.

My motto in life is: 'If you think it, you can do it' and if we all apply that thought we can end hunger the world over - Dionne Warwick.

You know, I keep thinking about having sex with Daniel Craig but as yet I haven't done it. My motto: don't ever listen to celebs. They talk crap.

If you are not bored by life, and your primary motto is enthusiasm and if you like your friends, family around you, it all translates into your designs. That's what keeps the creativity alive - Christian Louboutin.

So that's how Christian designs shoes. Deep meaningful stuff.  God knows what Vivenne Westwood's motto would be. Maybe something like: "I look at shooting stars, the moon and pretty rainbows whilst I sniff Mr Muscle and the next thing I know I've produced a work of creative genius." (Don't quote me on that, readers.)

My motto is to go wild on the accessories - the belts, the hair clips, the jewellery - Heidi Klum

Oh. Dear. God. There's not a lot going on "upstairs" with dear Heidi is there? Still, she looks pretty. I suppose one can't have everything. Maybe she should have a day out with Lindsey. They could go shopping together.

Question: what the hell was this post about?

Answer: I have a new motto:

If I don't like the way you park I'm going to drive into your car

Long term readers of this blog may know that I have had a few "incidents" in the past with my car. If you're wondering why I've come up with a motto now - you probably won't have to think too hard to work out why.

Do not park at the bottom of my driveway. In fact, do not park in my road at all. And, if you could avoid a radius of about twenty miles, that would be really helpful.

Ps - I don't like to end my posts on a negative note so here's some good news: that speed camera didn't get me the other day. Phew.


  1. Since when did your average coffee shop become intimidating? It's enough to make you carry a flask...

    1. Hello Martin:) I know it's crazy isn't it? I used to be flummoxed by super intelligent people - now I just got to Costa to feel an idiot. Something went wrong somewhere!


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