I am still reeling in shock.
Last Friday night was Book Club night. (You may remember my ladies of The Book Club who I talked about here and here.)
Why am I in shock? Because Mrs S, the sole supporter amongst us of the local Women's Institute, invited us all to the next meeting which was to be an enlightening talk on the subject of...
Yes, you did read that right. Knitted jewellery. K-n-i-t-t-e-d jewellery. I must admit when Mrs S first mentioned it I thought she'd forgotten to take her medication and was hallucinating again. Either that or I'd had one sip too many of the champers we were having to celebrate Mrs Midwife's big 5-0. However, Mrs S was completely serious. Hmm.. the things they get up to at the WI. What next? After the success of Calendar Girls, maybe it'll be Knitted and Naked in Knightsbridge?
So a talk on knitted jewellery? Now that's got to be a fascinating subject. Earrings made out of sheep's wool sculptured like rams horns, bracelets made of twisted woolly threads, furry pom pom necklaces. Simply stylish. I must have some. In about 40 years. When I'm dead.
Okay, okay I admit it. I do prefer to wear gold, silver, platinum, diamonds, rubies, sapphires and other delicious, yummy gems. And on occasions, when I'm feeling really, really cheap and slutty, I have even be known to wear costume jewellery. (Not often as you can imagine as I'm so posh.) But sheep's wool? Hmm..I'm not so keen on sheep's wool. It just doesn't quite have that shiny (or expensive) feel to it.....
Or so I thought!
Yes, so to the Book Club's surprise after Mrs S extended her invitation to this interesting talk (I use the word "interesting" because Mrs S is one of my best friends and I must be gracious) Mrs P (Housewife Extraordinaire in training) suddenly proclaimed that she had actually been to a workshop where they'd made jewellery from sheep's wool.
Naturally, I nearly fell off my chair...
Now at this juncture remember folks that the good Mrs P is my friend who rears sheep so I know whilst you're tempted to criticise - please remember farming is tough and she has to find uses for her sheep other than lamb chops.
Anyway, Mrs P starts to regale us with the intricacies of her jewellery workshop and rushes off to find her own efforts. At this point I lost interest and engaged myself in the study of my champers. Soon, however, Mrs P returns with a box containing her samples. (By which time I am now fully engaged with my champers and talking with Mrs M who has also lost the will to live.) Mrs P begins pulling out her stuff and starts to explain... at which point I suddenly noticed the shiny, glittery square things in her hands....
I am overawed! I am gobsmacked! The shiny beads are passed round and when they reach me I am turning them over and over in my hands wondering how on earth Mrs P has made these beautiful chunky green square beads with golden flecks. Has the wool been compressed with liquid metal? Does it contain gold or does sheep's wool have wondrous magical properties? Has it been compressed at high temperatures or low temperatures?
How the hell has she made these beautiful objects?
And, even more importantly, will Mrs P need any help at shearing time?
I look up from these beautiful beads and stare at Mrs P in sheer amazement and say;
"You made these from sheep's wool?"
Mrs P looks at me and says;
"Jane, those are buttons."
She then pulls out the sheep's jewellery.
Which I confirm folks, whilst a noble endeavour on the good Mrs P's part, is compeletely hideous.
I'm sticking with diamonds and lamb chops. There's a reason they say diamonds are a girl's best friend -and that's because sheep's wool isn't an acceptable alternative. So says me.