Sunday, June 12, 2011

Sunday Madness

Ohhhhh I got a tag! Okay, so I practically had to beg for it from Martin. But in the end I got it!

By the way Ladies, have you noticed that whenever you want something badly from your man you always have to beg for it?

Except for sex, of course, which if you want it really, really bad your man is usually drunk and incapable. (Although it might not stop them from trying - which is why I suggest keeping a teddy bear on your bed - as a drunken man can't tell the difference between a bear and a woman so long as it feels warm and hairy.)

That's my excuse for not shaving my legs and I'm sticking to it.

Anyway, what else is there to do when it's raining but a tag? It's Sunday and my whole day - two cricket matches and a tennis tournament has been rained off and I am desperate, and I mean desperate, to avoid the ironing pile which has been making eyes at me all day. I keep hoping Mr T will cave in and iron his own shirts but as yet they are still there on the the sofa where he dumped them yesterday - as opposed to where I like to keep them - in the utility room tucked away behind a locked door and some discreetly placed barbed wire....

So a tag! Hurrah! I'll pass on on the rules etc later but lets get down to business and get silly!

1) If you could be any historical or current character who would you be?

Mr Burns. He's the mean, nasty nuclear power plant owner in The Simpsons. I just love him - he is so cruel and mean and gets away with it. I want to be mean and get away with it too! Although I never do as I am one of those people who has a conscience. (Explains why I'm not a billionaire tycoon I suppose.) Anyway, I want to stop being nice and be mean instead! For example here's how I'd like to change things;

a)  When the charity collector rattles his bin under my nose outside the supermarket I usually say (scraping together all my loose change) "That's all I've got. What a tough job you have - rather you than me!" However, what I'm actually thinking is "I've just spent £120, I've only got 50p left in my purse which I need later for the car park. I wonder if he'll accept a button off my coat or a kick in the shins?"

b) When I see that person parking at the bottom of my drive AGAIN, I make myself a coffee and look forlornly out the window wondering whether it'll cost me yet another £350 to repair their car -which is what it cost me last time someone repeatedly parked there. Also, I wonder whether they ever, ever, even for one tiny moment, wonder if it might be inconvenient for me to reverse down my driveway with their car parked in my way....

What I really, really want to do is reverse my car down the driveway as fast as humanly possible, totally obliterating their car and then completely deny I had anything to do with it. Well either that, or stick a note on their car with some very precise wording.

c) I like Jennifer Aniston but I want to send her hate mail. Self explanatory really.

2) Name an interesting fact about yourself.

Hmm. Difficult - as this blog is full of stuff about me already. Talk about an ego trip -  my life documented for the future embarrassment of my children. Still, the Young Masters won't be able to tell the judge I've lost my mind if they need access to my cash when I'm old - I'll just direct the judge to my blog and say it's vengeance and he'll know what they're after. So an interesting fact? How about- I can make a simple answer in to one big long essay with out even trying? Oh wait a minute you already knew that. I know - something fresh and up to the minute - I have just started competing at tennis! Unfortunately, I am classed as a "veteran" which sort of ruins the effect when I tell people. And, even more unfortunately, most of the other veterans are even older then me.

Life's a pisser sometimes.

3) If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would you change?

Hmm.... I always thought that pink pillar box hat Jackie Kennedy was wearing when the president got shot was really awful. I'd change that.

Hmm...you know... if Jackie had worn one like Princess Beatrice's it might have put the assassin off. History could have been changed forever...

4) What character traits annoy you?

Greed. (Unless it's mine.) Also, people who pick their noses in public. Ugh. Gross. Also, people who pick their noses AND break wind in public. There's a time and a place for such things and it's not near me. I am quintessentially English which means if you pick your nose you do it behind closed doors and if you break wind you blame the dog.

5) Name one thing that you would change in yourself.

Oh blast, I hate self analysis. Gimme a break. Yuck, yuck, yuck. I like being shallow - it's so much more fun as opposed to sitting with your legs crossed in a room of scented candles and wondering whether you've got bi-polar disorder. Let's leave that to the celebs shall we? How about naming one thing I wouldn't change about myself. That's much more positive!

Okay, one thing I wouldn't change about myself is my bottom.

Although...I might get someone else to change it. Preferably a plastic surgeon... but I'll settle for an enthusiast with a syringe.

6) What do you consider your biggest achievement?

Staying alive. I am gobsmacked no one has tried to kill me yet. I'm never going to the US though as I think the FBI are on to me for hacking Arnie's emails....

Right the rules of this tag are:

Rule 1 - No Tag-Backs (You can't tag me back unless you're really desperate - in which I'll do it for a small fee)

Rule 2 - You must tag a further 8 bloggers (Or however many you want to says Mrs T making up her own rules as she goes...)

Rule 3 - You must answer the questions (Or least distract from giving any creditable answers....)

Rule 4 - You must have a link back to the people who tagged you (Excellent. I need some blog love - my bi polar is kicking in...)

So I'm specifically tagging Marie from Nourish cos she needs to do some writing and she makes me laugh - and then anyone else who wants to join in the fun!

5 comments:

  1. Holy cow!! Lucky thing I read this post!! Ummmm, (turning red), not that I don't read every word you write, Jane dear.

    Ok, I'll play. Just clarify for me what the questions are for 1 a, b & c. I love your answers, but don't see the questions. :)

    I am so glad you are a rebel after my own heart, because I am VERY, VERY bad with rules. So I will probably only tag one other person as well. Or maybe not. So there.

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  2. Hey wait a minute!! What do you mean "I am quintessentially English which means ...if you break wind you blame the dog."?!?! I just watched 53 episodes of Upstairs/Downstairs and I happen to know for a FACT the English do not break wind!

    Clearly, you are an imposter!

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  3. Well I was going to let you know today Marie, - just on the off chance you hadn't read it:))

    No, there's no a, b and c, part to question one - they are just examples of how I would be mean! I will send you the questions anyway:)

    Rules are indeed meant to be broken - unless the rule about breaking wind! Now, now I never said I break wind Marie, I was speaking generically! However, unfortunately, some English people do break wind (usually the male of the species) and these people only live downstairs and out of earshot most of the time:))))

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  4. I knew you'd do justice to these. Hilarious!

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