If I hear one more thing about Cheryl Cole and the X factor I will not be responsible for my actions. I've given poor Tom Cruise, Ashton Kutcher and Martin Amis some stick here on my blog but Simon Cowell is coming dangerously close to being my arch nemesis of all time if he doesn't hurry up and spontaneously combust.
Look, there's only one reason Cheryl got kicked off X Factor and I don't think it had anything to do with her accent. It was that stupid outfit she wore to the auditions - purple trousers that were too long, an orange frilly top, a pale blue belt and hair like she'd just seen Simon Cowell making out with his wallet. I don't mean to be rude to poor Cheryl, who normally dresses quite fetchingly, but frankly, even I look better in my jim jams after a night cleaning up the kid's vomit. So if you get a second chance Cheryl dress like a classy lady and not like something that's been eaten up and regurgitated from Vivien Westwood's discount rail.
I have nothing more to say on this tedious matter except this: