Yes, the day that I dread all year has arrived; The Day of Reckoning. For those of you who haven’t read my latest BBC article I must clarify that TDOR is the day when you receive notification of what role your child has been allocated in the Christmas nativity.
Sadly, Master Sam and Master Jacob have never had a starring role in the nativity or indeed any school play so Master Benedict is my last chance at being the mother of a precocious child star and publishing a book entitled “How to get rich quick on the back of someone else’s talent” - which would be a pity because I could really do with the cash to pay for all that plastic surgery I’m planning. Damn.
However….and I don’t like to boast…. but Master Benedict is as an undiscovered raw talent and at 7 years is at the peak age to play Joseph. Yep, if Master Benedict had landed the role of Joseph it would have been the pinnacle of his career before he moved on to other lesser achievements like Hamlet and Macbeth.
Yes, Master Benedict is a real actor. You won’t come across another boy doing an impression of a penguin, elephant or a vomiting cat as well as Master Benedict. Many a time he has had me genuinely convinced the cat was going to throw up outside my bedroom and when I’ve rushed out to fondly stroke the creature in its hour of need (cough, cough) I’ve found him sniggering away in the hallway. Hmm… I’m not sure where Master Benedict has got his sense of humour from… but after I’ve made him mop the kitchen floor and clean the toilets he usually feels pretty remorseful….
Anyway, I was fully expecting Master Benedict to be Joseph this year and to make a stunning entrance on stage wearing a top notch Harrods’ gold threaded tea towel on his head and matching robe. In fact I was so optimistic I was sure the role would help him secure a holiday job as a Redcoat at Butlins next year. (Not that I believe in child labour but there is a credit crunch on you know and I’m expecting all my kids to pull their weight.)
But no, Master Benedict is not playing Joseph! The horror, the horror!
Oh dear; my dreams of his superstardom and renaming myself as Jane Stallone have been completely dashed…
However, Master Benedict HAS been assigned a role unlike any other role before in a school play. He is to play…..
Yes, that’s right Bruce Lee.
Yep, I can hear your brains ticking over… was Bruce Lee really at the stable in Bethlehem??
Well, of course not! Well…. I don’t think so…. but come to think of it that inn keeper was really suspicious looking….
The answer is that there is to be no nativity this year but instead there will be a production of ...
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
BUT now the seven dwarfs have been usurped by Doctor Dwarf, Builder Dwarf, Cleaner Dwarf, Elvis Dwarf, Silly Dwarf And Karate Dwarf…
Yes, I know what you’re thinking;
Who writes this shite??
Okay…I swear to God I had NOTHING to do with it. However, I am seriously worried about the teachers at Master Benedict’s school and will be launching my own investigation into this madness as soon as Master Benedict has done his turn and I’ve run out of space on my digital camera.
Oh yes, and I should mention that the Dwarves will be auditioning to Simon Cowell in an X Factor type scenario. Hmmm…
Anyway, I've exaggerated somewhat as Master Benedict who is a bit of a karate kid will actually be performing as Carl Douglas, not Bruce Lee, with some suitably dressed backing singers. Yes, he will singing along and doing freestyle kicks to the 1974 classic "Kung Fu Fighting." Which I'm afraid to say folks I remember very well even though I was still in my high chair. (That's a chair placed on the table for strategic viewing.)
Yeah, that was brill let's have it again with a different spin;
Well what can I say?
Move over Jackie Stallone; my time has come.
Copyright Jane Turley 2008