Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The Day of Reckoning (TDOR)

Yes, the day that I dread all year has arrived; The Day of Reckoning. For those of you who haven’t read my latest BBC article I must clarify that TDOR is the day when you receive notification of what role your child has been allocated in the Christmas nativity.

Sadly, Master Sam and Master Jacob have never had a starring role in the nativity or indeed any school play so Master Benedict is my last chance at being the mother of a precocious child star and publishing a book entitled “How to get rich quick on the back of someone else’s talent” - which would be a pity because I could really do with the cash to pay for all that plastic surgery I’m planning. Damn.

However….and I don’t like to boast…. but Master Benedict is as an undiscovered raw talent and at 7 years is at the peak age to play Joseph. Yep, if Master Benedict had landed the role of Joseph it would have been the pinnacle of his career before he moved on to other lesser achievements like Hamlet and Macbeth.

Yes, Master Benedict is a real actor. You won’t come across another boy doing an impression of a penguin, elephant or a vomiting cat as well as Master Benedict. Many a time he has had me genuinely convinced the cat was going to throw up outside my bedroom and when I’ve rushed out to fondly stroke the creature in its hour of need (cough, cough) I’ve found him sniggering away in the hallway. Hmm… I’m not sure where Master Benedict has got his sense of humour from… but after I’ve made him mop the kitchen floor and clean the toilets he usually feels pretty remorseful….

Anyway, I was fully expecting Master Benedict to be Joseph this year and to make a stunning entrance on stage wearing a top notch Harrods’ gold threaded tea towel on his head and matching robe. In fact I was so optimistic I was sure the role would help him secure a holiday job as a Redcoat at Butlins next year. (Not that I believe in child labour but there is a credit crunch on you know and I’m expecting all my kids to pull their weight.)

But no, Master Benedict is not playing Joseph! The horror, the horror!

Oh dear; my dreams of his superstardom and renaming myself as Jane Stallone have been completely dashed…

However, Master Benedict HAS been assigned a role unlike any other role before in a school play. He is to play…..

Bruce Lee.

Yes, that’s right Bruce Lee.

Yep, I can hear your brains ticking over… was Bruce Lee really at the stable in Bethlehem??

Well, of course not! Well…. I don’t think so…. but come to think of it that inn keeper was really suspicious looking….

The answer is that there is to be no nativity this year but instead there will be a production of ...

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

BUT now the seven dwarfs have been usurped by Doctor Dwarf, Builder Dwarf, Cleaner Dwarf, Elvis Dwarf, Silly Dwarf And Karate Dwarf…

Yes, I know what you’re thinking;

Who writes this shite??

Okay…I swear to God I had NOTHING to do with it. However, I am seriously worried about the teachers at Master Benedict’s school and will be launching my own investigation into this madness as soon as Master Benedict has done his turn and I’ve run out of space on my digital camera.

Oh yes, and I should mention that the Dwarves will be auditioning to Simon Cowell in an X Factor type scenario. Hmmm…

Anyway, I've exaggerated somewhat as Master Benedict who is a bit of a karate kid will actually be performing as Carl Douglas, not Bruce Lee, with some suitably dressed backing singers. Yes, he will singing along and doing freestyle kicks to the 1974 classic "Kung Fu Fighting." Which I'm afraid to say folks I remember very well even though I was still in my high chair. (That's a chair placed on the table for strategic viewing.)

Yeah, that was brill let's have it again with a different spin;

Well what can I say?

Move over Jackie Stallone; my time has come.

Copyright Jane Turley 2008


  1. I love this blog, Mrs T. Your humour is right up my...I'll have to be careful here i know what a stickler you are with words...alley. no back lane. Hell with it, street. I'm going with street?

  2. Hmm...for a moment Gary I thought you were going to say...

    "Back Passage."

    But "Street" will do!

    Have you tried reading The Wheel is Turning but The Hamster is Dead? More Brit humour which I think you'll like!

    Thanks for the compliment; I'm full of .... words.

  3. Jane you are the merchant of pain...

    my sides are splitting..

    three cheers for youtube...life is worthliving for its very existence..

    Your brood would be for the better to avoid such embarrassments
    for all to see!
    ditch the digicam before its to late... I engender you to steer them towards med. school .

    At least they'll be well qualified for a sitcom like 'House' with some decent training.
    Do you have 'house' in UK?
    I'm off for a drink ...good night.

  4. Lol. I am quite confident that under your able guidance Master Benedict is all set to be the best actor of the evening. Have you prepared the acceptance speech yet?

  5. Love the video clips. Not only has Da Fonso (!!!!*!) got the words ("Ohoohhoohhooo" etc) on the screen in front of him, but his lip-synching has got to be the worst ever. Tell Master Benedict to forget the school nativity and head over to Top of the Pops -- they need some real talent there.

  6. Lol Mrs T - you're a card , you are . Am still trying to mop up the tears ! oof- hold me up someone !

  7. You know Eddie when Master Ben started karate I was tempted to start myself; I rather like the idea of "Black belt" on my CV.... but all that noise which sounds like you're trying to push a hippo out your nostrils really put me off..so unladylike! Sooo unlike Mrs T!

    Med school would be good; Master Sam is clever enough but has no idea what he wants to do. Master Jacob excels at sport so will go in that direction but Master Ben is very versatile..who know anything from doctor, sportsman to comedian.

    Though to be honest if they became an electrician, plumber and carpenter I would be thrilled; I haven't ranted about tradesmen yet have I? Hmm.....

    Yes, we do have "House"; It's really a show I've not seen that much but really should, especially as I am a big fan of Hugh Laurie and have followed his career for many years. He was one of the leads in one of my all time favourite comedy shows - Blackadder! Might be more of that in the near future...

  8. Usha,

    I'm working on it;

    "I, Mrs T, mother of the Noble Benedict do hereby accept his award for blatant scene stealing and gross overacting......"

    Could be a long speech. I'm not one for brevity as you know.


    Great to see you here and taking a little timeout! Yes, what is the word? Definately not "old"!!


    Do you know PB Top of the Pops got axed about 3 years ago? Hard to believe eh? There isn't a similar pop show around as far as I am aware. There are some music/gossipy type channel 4 things presented by 20 year olds who can barely talk but it's just not the same without good ol' Top of the Pops.... I listen to commercial radio for the latest tunes now... Radio one is more rap/garage/hip hop stuff (Or modernist drivel as I call it)Radio 2 is more of the mainstream channel and has all the big name presenters but some of them get on my nerves as their heads are bigger than their assets! Our local radio is the best for chart music and since I'm in the car alot I'm always up to date with the latest tunes.

    Btw..the Christmas tunes have started but to my good fortune I have not yet heard Cliff Richard. There's still time for me to find my earmuffs.

    Mrs G,

    Hello my friend,

    You know all about these school plays don't you??! Oh, the agony!
    Can you believe it - we had another dressing up day today.. Not having read the letter in all that has been going on Master Ben told me they could dress either as a soldier or as an evacuee. (It was WWII day)

    He was wrong... I thought maybe he was throwing me a falsehood....anyway he went dressed like Rambo and everyone else went as a evacuees in little shorts....except Mrs B's son (FordFocusMum) who feigned illness and forgetfulness to get out of it and sent her young master in his normal school clothes!

    (See you tomorrow Mrs B - I'll pay! You know we renegades must stick together - so few of us left!Ps Do you think I can get away with my Rambo costume at the resturant?)


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