Thursday, April 14, 2016

L is for Laxatives and Loos.

9.59pm. Two hours and one minute before the A to Z deadline - Mrs T wanders into the lounge where Master Benedict is relaxing with his feet up watching the telly and drinking a glass of orange.

Mrs T: What subject beginning with the letter L should I write about for the A to Z?

Master Benedict (instant reply) Laxatives.

Mrs T: Laxatives?

Master Benedict: What is "laxative" not good enough for you?

Mrs T: No. Laxatives will do just fine.

You see folks, that is what my life is like as the mother of three boys who lives in a house with four males. If I am not being subjected to rude jokes and the regular breaking of wind, I am subjected to conversations that seem always to revolve around bowel movements. Oh, how I long for some sophisticated conversation about what's on the West End or the latest bestselling books! Sadly, that just does not happen in my house. I am the solitary female and must suffer the consequences.

So laxatives it is.

At present, I am not aware that any of the males in my house need laxatives. And I pray to God that they never do because cleaning my bathroom is already a punishment worse than death. It requires a decontamination suit, a Geiger counter and an extra large peg on the nose. I have seen things down our loos that, if I didn't know better, I would have thought were alien species. I have seen things down our loos that if Her Majesty's government knew about them they would be requisitioned and stored as weapons of mass destruction. I have seen things down our loos that make me wonder why it isn't men who give birth to babies.

I have seen things down our loos that no man, woman or child or even a Tory MP should see.

You know I look forward to the day when my kids leave home and I have my own spotlessly clean white bathroom so that when I sit down on my loo seat I can do what comes naturally without jumping up and shouting:

WHO PEED ALL OVER THE LOO SEAT?

7 comments:

  1. LOL!! This is the best L post I have read all day!!

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    1. I am delighted you enjoyed it, Paula!:)

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  2. God bless you!
    Revisit the Tender Years with me during the #AtoZChallenge at Life & Faith in Caneyhead!

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  3. Very funny, I especially related to the last line. The alternative is sitting down and the lid is up and you feel like you are falling in.
    Visiting from A to Z.

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    1. Those falling-in moments are rare for me, Ann. I've had a couple and they were not great experiences. Still, on the bright side at least I didn't get stuck and have to be hoisted out by the fire brigade:D

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  4. Umm having nagged like mad to get the seat put down I've had the misfortune to sit on a loo in the dark and not realise I was sitting on the lid - until it was too late. And after 3 children trying to stop the flow once it's started - not going to happen! We also have an extended family whatsapp group - some of the younger family members have very young children. I've seen pictures that I never should have seen on the poo subject.

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    1. I know that flow problem, Wendy. Those children owes us medical care in our old age!

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