Tuesday, April 5, 2016

D is for Deities, Demigods and Dunces

*WARNING*. THIS POST CONTAINS SLEAZY AND CRASS POETRY IF YOU ARE A FAN OF JOHN DONNE LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK.

So today I am going to be devoting my D post to two extremes of beings: The Deity or Demigod and The Dunce.

Now I am not going to pretend I am learned and studied the classics and know all about Greek and Roman mythology because I don't.  And I am way too lazy to bother trying to look them up at 11 pm on a Tuesday evening with less than hour before I miss the A to Z deadline. So I'd thought I'd talk about deities and demigods in modern terms. So, after having thought for about a minute long and hard about how I might define deities and demigods in terms of a modern day being or likeness, I came up with this example.

George Clooney.

Who basically is what we describe as "lush" in the UK with the added bonus that he can do no wrong. (Except get married.)

Now as befitting Gorgeous George's godlike status I have written him an ode:

Oh George how lovely art thou eyes
Even tastier than French fries
You ass is pretty good too
On it I could munch and chew
Or maybe lick off some fondue
So call me if you want a saucy English chick
Who likes a red hot... guy.

Pretty poetical stuff eh? Well maybe not. But what you do you expect at 11pm?

Blimey, I think I'm on a creative roll now. That's what the pressure of this A to Z thing does to me. It sets the old brain cells firing. I think I shall write an ode to Chris Hemsworth now.

Oh Chris how muscular your biceps are
Even tastier than a candy bar
Your butt is pretty pert too
On it I could bite and nibble
Maybe even have a dribble
So write to me if you fancy a sweet English Rose
Who writes some awesome, fantastic poetry odes rhymes prose

So that's deities and demigods defined. Now onto dunces.

Well that's easy. Anyone who works at a British Telecommunications (BT) call centre!

And yes BT is my favourite pet hate. I've had years of emotional abuse from BT which has been compounded by the fact that they have recently installed fibre optics in our village but (and it's a very big but) it stops about four houses down from us. So I must suffer the agonizing pain of slow broadband for probably another 2 years or more because apparently they are not even going to considering installing it for my end of the street until 2017.

How unfair is that! Four doors down my friend's children get to play their games on super-fast connections and down here I can barely fire up my PC without a warning sign flashing up on my PC that says:

 "WARNING IMMINENT BT FAILURE. CLOSE DOWN YOUR PC NOW OR RISK STROKE AND HEART FAILURE."

So that's it for today. If you've got this far well done and there's still enough time to pick up a copy of my short story Fantasia (which is whole load better than the trash I write on this blog) for free on Kindle. The offer ends approx midnight PST on 5th April. (See sidebar for link)

See you tomorrow!


4 comments:

  1. Hilarious! Just what I needed to end my day!!

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    1. You are very generous, Paula. I seriously need to go to poetry school! (That said I am probably not interested enough to study it. Give me a haiku anytime.)

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  2. I was most upset when Mrs Clooney appeared on the scene. I'm sure there must be a way to remove her. I'm sure you could come up with a plan Jane!

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    1. I have a plan, Wendy. I write a best-selling book with a starring role in it for him, he gets to meet me and realises what he's been missing by hooking up with some boring human rights lawyer:D Obviously, I am hoping in the meantime The Changing Room is written into a screenplay and George gets to play the cameo role I wrote for him in the running scene!

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