“It just so happens I do have some friends here, Professor.” Deidre pulls an amused face. “But I’m not sure if you can handle us all at the same time…you think you can? You are a very naughty, naughty boy, Professor. I think I shall have to discipline you soon.”
There’s a long pause whilst Deidre listens to the Professor talk. Unfortunately or fortunately (I’m not sure which), none of us can hear but as Deidre is contorting her face into all sorts of shocked, confused and revolted expressions, we all have a very good idea what the Professor is saying.
“Oh my, you are one hot Professor!” says Deidre. “You are so hot, I think I’m going to cool you down with some ice cream. In fact, I’m going to smear it all over you, and my girlfriends and I are going to lick it all off. We are going to lick it off…everywhere!”
Deidre listens again and pulls her face into such a horrific expression she looks like she’s seen the ghost of Liberace. After a brief pause, she nods to indicate that the Professor is ready and waiting.
“Okay, baby,” says Deidre in a smooth, sensual voice. “I’m going to run my tongue luxuriously up your legs, licking off the rich vanilla ice cream which melts on my tongue and runs smoothly down my throat like a river of semen…”
I convulse with silent laughter. Deidre whips off her Bluetooth and passes it to Mrs M, takes a big slurp of her wine and gives me one of her extra-special winning grins.
“I’m nibbling your pert round arse like I would nibble a crumbly chocolate flake….” says Mrs M.
I slide off the sofa onto the floor, clutching my stomach as Mrs M elaborates what she is doing with a chocolate flake. I’m hoping I don’t wet myself like I did at the school play but, unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it; I cannot stop laughing.
“I’m wrapping my legs round you as I suck the raspberry jam off your nipples,” says Tina.
Deidre, now sitting on the sofa, lifts her legs in the air and waves them around.
“Stop it, stop it,” I groan. “I’m going to die!”
“Oh, honey, you turn me on so much,” says Josie. “I think I’m going to sit on your face and dribble some more ice cream over you.”
“Oh God, I’m literally dying,” I whisper as I lie, aching with laughter, on Deidre’s shag pile carpet.
“Not yet, you don’t,” says Morna with a grin.
“Are your almonds tasty, Professor?” says Kate. “I do so love the sweet crunchy texture of nuts and grinding them between my teeth. But you should hear what my sister likes to do…”
Kate yanks off the Bluetooth, kneels down and slips it over my head, despite the fact that I’m hardly capable of breathing, let alone talking. I hear heavy puffing and some weird groaning I’d rather not know about. Out of the corner of my eyes, I see Deidre making furious gestures to me to hurry up and say something.
“Hello,” I whisper, clearing my throat.
“You must be Virginia,” says a croaky old voice that sounds like the man on the other end genuinely is an ancient professor from the spires of Oxford.
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Madame la Pompadour said you’d be shy at first. You sound so sweet and innocent. But you can be bold with me, Miss Virginia. Now…what would you like to do to me?”
I pause and see Deidre still gesturing furiously and the other ladies all grinning at my discomfort. I close my eyes and attempt to block everything out.
“Why, Professor,” I say, trying to sound my sexiest. “There’s nothing left for me to do but cover your lollipop with sprinkles and slowly lick each one up with the tip of my tongue, suck it between my lips and gently roll it around in my mouth until there’s an explosion of colour fizzing on my tongue.”
“Oh, Virginia!” cries the Professor. “You are delightful!”
I give the thumbs up and Deidre, Mrs M, Tina, Josie, Morna and Kate raise their glasses and cheer me.
My initiation is over; I am part of The Beaver Club.