Thursday, October 22, 2009

Supermarket Fantasies!

Okay, I'm gonna spill the beans this morning. I have a secret. And it's time for me to come out! No, not that kinda "come out" I just mean just admit the truth!

You see, I have a fantasy where I'm in the supermarket and suddenly I burst into song and dance, everyone joins in, the whole supermarket goes crazzzzzzy and the manager is so taken with my dance moves he gives me my spuds for free. You know - rather like that bit in the film Fame where all the kids start dancing in the streets and leaping on cars. Yep, that's my fantasy - cartwheeling down the bread aisle, shaking my butt amongst the loo rolls and vocalising amongst the chocolates. Heaven. Sheer Heaven.

Blimey, I'm soooooo bored with shopping that even making a trip to the supermarket loo and inspecting it for cleanliness provides some light relief! I'm a total utter failure as a housewife because making the decision about whether or not to buy toilet cleaner with limescale remover just doesn't light my fire. Fact. And as for whether to buy economy, home brand or Heinz baked beans - it's hardly Mastermind. I mean I used to be an intelligent woman but now I think my brain has solidified into a grey mass that very probably resembles a mummified gerbil. In fact, I reckon if I did go on MasterMind my special subject would now to be something like "The History of The Shopping Trolley 1986- 2009" or "The Life and Times of Lord Sainsbury" or "Nestle Cereal Packet Designs 2000 - 2005."

Yeah, so much for having a degree in History; I can't remember what I did last week let alone who Chamberlain was. In fact the when Master Sam asked me did I know about Chamberlain and his "piece of paper" I thought it was a new brand of toilet roll.

Anyway, what I want to know is if I started getting down in Tescos or Sainsburys would anyone join in? I mean I don't want to be getting down all by myself whilst the old biddies are huddled in the corner timing how long it takes for the ambulance to arrive. So anyone care to join me next time I'm in Tescos?

Anyway, I guess you're wondering what brought this rant on. Well I was on my way home from yet another super dooper life enhancing trip to Tescos when I heard a tune on the radio that has been getting my feet tapping lately. (I should point out at this juncture that foot tapping is not too good an idea if you drive a manual car.) So when I got home and duly plonked the shopping down where I like to leave it for several hours defrosting before shoving it in the freezer before the salmonella start reproducing and went to have a look at the video on You Tube.

And what did I see? The lovely Michael Buble who sings I Just Haven't Met You Yet has stolen my fantasy! How dare he! I am going to sue him for copyright of my thoughts! It's outrageous and what's more it shouldn't be allowed because he's a man! And as I am woman, shopping is my domain and I therefore demand return of my fantasy! I'm calling Mr Buble up and I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind! Yeah, right now!

Well okay, just after I've listened to his fab song one more time....

Huh. Blonde women. They always get the best parts. I would have done it for free. Although it might have had to have been head shots only




  2. How do you find these things Mrs A?!

    Obviously I should be the British Agent: I feel I am suitably qualified in the stupidity stakes:)

  3. Here at the Department of Psychometric Testing, I interviewed Professor Karl Pfiffinegger ... 'Ve hav put Mrs T's data in ze computer and eet exploded. Like the Large Hadron Collider, no? Hee, hee! Anyvay, all zat is left is zis bit of paper which says that Mrs T is in ze wrong job and should have been a pop video director!'

  4. Well I am suitably scared. The idea of seeing you don a 1940s British housewife dress and sparkle your way around the frozen food aisle fills me with...well, we will chat about it offline. This is a family site.

  5. Oh God FF mum... the truth is out! I should be wearing a pink ra- ra skirt, a polo neck emblazoned with a sequinned lion's face and my hair should be dyed blue and yellow - perfect attire for a 80s video director! Maybe if I could just borrow Trevor Horn's big glasses I would be fully equipped!

    Does Professor Pfffinwiffenburger do other types of counselling? Cos I need some help....


    What's scary about Mrs T doing her stuff in Tescos? Normally I just booby trap the frozen peas with mouse traps for my sport but I think the dancing would be a lot more fun....

    Oh yeah better continue this offline I don't want all my secrets coming out.....

  6. Preferred this to the Spandau Ballet piece. Uplifting song, uplifting video, uplifting blonde...

    Last time I started climbing the shelves in Safeway, I was quickly escorted out.

  7. Yeah, this a great song PB.

    What were you trying to get off the top shelf?!

  8. But back to Professor Puffinberger .... alas, he did one of his own tests and discovered that he too was in the wrong job. Me too. Do you ever find yourself in the supermarket having trouble choosing a toothbrush, for example? Can there be 'too much choice'? Oh, and don't get me started on cleaning-the-house products. Any minute now, I'll expect to see something calling itself 'Kitchen Cleaner - but only for those tricky bits round the back of the tap/s'. Durr!

  9. He was on Oprah last week with his mother and sang that song. What a voice.


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