Mrs T; Have you seen Master A's school photo yet?
Mrs B; Yes.
Mrs T; I think Master Ben's is the best school photograph we've ever had. Kinda ironic as I haven't got anyone to send it to this year. Can I send one to you Mrs B?
Mrs B; I think you should save yourself the money.
Mrs T; What! You don't want a piccy of the lovely Master Ben?! Shame, shame on you !
Mrs B; I was thinking of getting a jotter pad with Master A on it.
Mrs T; Yeah, I was thinking of getting a book mark.
Mrs T; How sad are we??
(Mrs T and Mrs B dissolve into uncontrollable laughter.)
Huh. I'm gonna have a moan. Look, what is about this school photo thing? I have years where I don't have a decent picture and I have to send off piccys of my kids to relatives looking like Jekyll and Hyde and now all my folks are dead I get a decent piccy. That is so unfair!
What's more, it's so infuriating as I can't even buy one simple piccy for myself cos these school photos are always arranged in huge packets for people with millions of relatives. For example;
Packet A :
3 10x7 inch photos,
2 5x7 2" photos,
6 5 x3.5"photos
4 3.5 x2.5"photos.
So that's 15 photos for £28.95 for which I get another 9 mini prints and a calender thrown in free. Hurrah!
Hmm... maybe I should have the gift pack;
1 10x7" photo
4 "FUN" 5x3.5"photos
1 10x7 calender,
3 photo bookmarks
9 mini prints.
All for the lovely sum of £22.50!
Hmm.. would someone kindly please explain the "FUN" elements of the 5x3.5 photos are? Perhaps they come equipped with darts so Master Jacob can throw darts at his brother? Or free colouring pencils.? Now I'm not a cynic, as you know, but somehow me thinks maybe the "FUN" element is for the photographer who is raking in my hard earned cash for photos I don't need.
Look, to be speak plain, I haven't got any aged relatives left who aren't mad or bonkers. And those ones would be hard pushed to recognise a picture of themselves let alone a picture of my son. Yep, so why, why, why do I need trillions of those tiny photos that are gonna plague me for the rest of my life?!
You see, if it's a piccy of your child you just can't throw it out even though they might look like they've got a severe facial deformity and been hit over the head with a giant saucepan. It's just not moral! Yep, for years I have be plagued by small photos of my boys with bad haircuts, monstrous spots and lop sided squints popping out of my drawers and albums. In fact, whenever I clear out a drawer and I reach the bottom I usually scrape the remaining debris into the bin. This usually consists of receipts, bills, an obligatory solitary screw, buttons, pins, the missing part of a toy I was gonna fix 3 years ago, some paracetamol dated 1998 (Okay better keep that), several decomposing sweets that have amalgamated with a collection of disused batteries and a voucher for 50p off if I spend over a fiver on haircare before Christmas 1978. And of course...lying at the very bottom, face down, is a small rectangular shape... I flip it over....and....
Oh God no! It's Master Sam looking like Quasimodo! Nooooo!!!!!
Okay so what can I do with it? Do I want to be reminded for the rest of my life that Master Sam went through a "living dead " phase? No. So I look furtively around. Can I make it to the bin without anyone seeing? I creep into the kitchen, peep round the door and just as I posed with my hand over the bin...
"What have you got there mummy? A picture of Sam! Why he looks just like me! Shall I put it in the album?"
And I'm thinking.... I now have two sons who look like the living dead...... God help me! Where are those paracetamol?!
Okay, so here's Master Ben's winning photograph; (Now removed folks.)
Oh, he looked soo sweet! And that's just how I see him with his grinning smile and cheeky eyes! What a handsome fellow! He reminded me of this hugely attractive, soon to be sex goddess and housewife extraordinaire;
Okay. That piccy was before I had my teeth done. So no comments please. And if you're wondering why my fringe was lopsided it's because my dad used to cut my hair.... We were poor for goodness sake - it's not that he was a scissors-wielding nutter you know! Well I don't think so.....
So anyone want a piccy of Master Ben? I can also do bookmarks for £2.50, fridge magnets for £6.00 or hey if you're feeling adventurous a mouse mat for only £5.00!
Yeah, okay you can have them for free. Just so I feel good. But don't forget to send him the Christmas cheque please - he's saving up to those ears pinned back.
Well toodle pips for now. And please check out my latest offering to the BBC- The Therapy Blues. Umm...you probably won't find any useful remedies if your feeling under the weather but hopefully it'll give you a giggle or two.