Right, the good news is I'm not dead. The bad news is that it took me 13 days, 9 hours, 11 minutes and 56 seconds to saw through my ball and chain with my emery board.
I tell you, that Mr T is a cruel task-master. I've ironed hundreds of shirts, pants, trousers and even the tea towels whilst I've been confined to "The Cooler." Yep, and that wicked Mr T didn't even let me have my baseball and gloves. Huh, what's a gal gotta to do to have some fun?
Well anyway, having finally escaped I thought I'd better do a post as people were sending me emails wondering if I'd overdosed on chocolate and gone to meet my maker. Well to be truthful when I say "people" I mean my mate Huw from Uni. Thanks Huw - as your reward I will keep you on my special friends Christmas card list! ( That's two then - Huw and Willy Wonka - I'm not one for being overly affectionate without good reason.)
Well the truth is, in amidst the ironing I've been looking after Master Ben who has been poorly (but is now on the mend) and trying to catch up with some long overdue reading and writing. Firstly, I re-read Don Juan de la Mancha by the Austrian literary genius Robert Menasse. I've just posted a review on The View From Here if you're interested but if you're easily offended by political incorrectness then I suggest you don't read it.
And don't read it if you're Austrian.
However, just to reassure you of my good nature let me say that at no point do I mention The War.
Cos, let's face it - no one does it better than Basil.
I also read 8 Rooms (a collection of short stories) by Legend Press, A Narrow Escape by Faith Martin and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Seth Grahame Smith. (Yep, that was "zombies" - just in case you'd thought I'd gone do-lally) You'll be able to find reviews of 8 Rooms and Pride and Prejudice with Zombies over at The View in the coming weeks. I also worked on a short story for a competition which I thought might be fun to enter. I'm not expecting to have any success as the story was a little naughty but it was an interesting challenge and it's good to keep the old brain cells ticking over. Which I definitely need to do...because having been up in the night with Master Ben one night and unable to get back to sleep I did a Sex ID profile quiz on the BBC which indicated I maybe lacking in the "logic" department. So for your general bewilderment here are my results;
Task 1; Angles. The task was to identify the angle of a line by matching it with its twin; a spatial task designed to look at the way we view space.
I scored 16/20 which was higher than the average for men and women.
My conclusion; the absolute proof that none of the three car crashes I had last year were my fault - Now I just need to convince my insurers.
Task 2; Spot the difference. A test to examine your ability to identify objects which have changed position.
I scored 36% without incorrectly identifying any objects. Average female results were 46% and average male 39%. Oh dear.
My conclusion; It was a fix; I have never incorrectly identified chocolate bars when they've moved them around in the supermarket. However, it might explain why I thought those cars I crashed into last year were really grass verges.
Task 3; Hands; I placed my left thumb on top of my right thumb when I clasped my hands. Apparently this means the left side of my brain is dominant and I excel in visual, spatial and intuitive processes.
My conclusion; When I put my left leg over my right leg it means I need the loo. When I cross my left thumb over my right it means I'm praying the loo is nearby because I've forgotten my spare knickers.
Task 4; Empathsizing. Do you empathsize or sympathize?
I scored 11/20 - slightly higher than both the average male and female.
My conclusion; I'm softie and fall for every sob story in town. However, since I didn't score over 15 it means I am not so soft as to be an ideal carer. This means I can still put Mr T in a home when he goes senile. Excellent.
Task 5; Eyes. A test for your ability to recognise other people's emotions.
I scored 6/10. Average score for men and women was 6.6/10. Therefore, I have a balanced male/female brain.
My conclusion; Hmm... I thought I'd do better at this one. Obviously, I only scored average because some of the models were wearing false eyebrows and noses. Cheats.
Task 6; Finger test; far too tedious to relate. It involved a ruler and some measuring = immense boredom.
Task 7; Faces; what do you find attractive?
Blimey - and I really didn't know this - but I prefer more masculine faces!
My conclusion; everything I said in a previous post about Catherine Zeta Jones was a lie for my own sad amusement. I really do fancy Pierce Brosnan even though he's old enough to be my father. (Well on film anyway -cos if Sean Connery can play Harrison Ford's dad it seem only fair and just that I should be Pierce's offspring - who naturally he should take to bed and read numerous bedtime stories.)
Task 8; 3D shapes; tests the ability to rotate 3D shapes.
I scored 4/10- below average for men and women.
My conclusion; I lost the will to live as soon as I saw this task. It may explain why I failed my maths O level and why I can't stack the saucepans just the way Mr T likes them. Well okay that last point could also because I get a sneaking pleasure out of just shoving them in the cupboard and doing something far more interesting like ironing instead. Ho hum.
Task 9; Words. A test designed to examine your verbal fluency.
The average male scored 11.4 and the average female scored 12.4. I scored 29!!
My conclusion; I talk a lot of bull****.
Task 10; Ultimatum. How do you divide money?
I shared £50 between 2 people for doing the same task 50/50. Amazingly some people didn't. What a load of meanies!
My conclusion; Don't tell my lawyer.
Well there you go, some more insight into my highly complex brain. (Ho hum) Apparently it's a pretty standard female brain. You know I just can't believe that- I like trousers too much. Anyway, the quiz didn't tell me anything about myself I didn't already know. So I guess next time I'll have to hire a psychotherapist; I've always wanted to lie on one of those couches and make up a load of fictitious crap about a previous life. I think it would be fun.. and who knows the therapist could get a whole thesis out of it!
Yep, so these are the things I do when I'm not blogging. And I'd just like to report that that other day I pulled on my jeans which had just been washed and found a £5.00 note in the pocket. And it was still usable! I celebrated - surely this meant the day was looking up! Then I noticed their was a tear in my jeans and my initial delight turned to despair. Anyway, not one to let things get me down I soon convinced myself I'd just look like a hip hop trendy mum. So once again I had a spring in my step and decided to put on some of my new comfy sports socks and what did I find? There was one sock missing from the pack! I ask you... am I the only person who has ever bought a pack of socks that has had one missing??
Ah well...it's the story of my life... as soon as I'm on the up something comes along to ruin it.......