Saturday, February 14, 2009

A professional love story

A few weeks ago I popped round to my friend Miss L's house for a cuppa. Miss L had a few days off work and needed some guidance on how to maximize her cleaning efficiency and of course I felt it my duty to regale her with some useful household tips such as;

1. Tie dusters around your slippers and then you will never have to polish the kitchen floor.

2. Strap a broom to your head so you never have to consciously clean cobwebs from the ceiling.

3. Always wear rubber gloves. Not only will this keep your hands soft but you will be fully prepared for when the local MP calls round trying to solicit your vote. When he says "Can I hold your baby?" You reply, "Thank God, I thought I was going to have to deliver it myself."

I guarantee your MP will leg it.

In addition, with a bit of rewording, the rubber gloves tip also works for unwanted tradesmen, canvassers and charity collectors.

However, it does not not work for a Jehovah Witness who will undoubtedly offer to assist you.( So long as a friend can come along.)

Well back to the story; Miss L and I were chatting amicably with the TV on in the background when we heard this;

Well of course, our eyes were instantly glued to the television as the lovely Lewis Collins and Martin Shaw did their stuff in the 1977 -83 series The Professionals. Lewis and Martin were respectively the handsome Bodie (4/5) and enigmatic Doyle (3/7) undercover agents of CI5, an elite anti terrorist squad. Yep, they were so tough they made Starkers and Crutch look like girls. And Martin Shaw has the honour of being the only guy ever to look sexy and tough with a 1970s' perm; a remarkable feat.

Our attention then focused on the lovely Martin and how he'd been making the news recently in a rather unfortunate manner. Then as the discussion progressed Miss L waded in with the news that she had seen Martin in Elvis in the West End, so I launched a counterattack with the news that I'd seen him as Thomas More in A Man for All for Seasons. And I had a really, really, really, good seat.

Then Miss L launched a brutal body blow;

" Of course when I used to help run Lewis' fan club...."

"Whhhhhhaaaaaaatttttt??" said Mrs T, dropping to the floor sobbing uncontrollably.

" I was saying, when I helped Lewis run his fan club from his house..."

" His .....HO...U...S.............?"

At which point I passed out. When I awoke I found Miss L spraying my face with Mr Muscle Kitchen Cleaner. She said she was trying to revive me, but I ain't so sure.... she looked kinda evil....

Anyhow, because Mrs T is exceptionally well mannered she did not say what she was thinking. But what she was thinking was this;

(Amongst some other words of a highly descriptive and "colourful "nature.)

Yes, poor Mrs T's heart was ripped to shreds as Miss L recounted how her friend had lived across the road from Lewis and how every Saturday they went across to fold newsletters, lick envelopes and make Lewis' tea.

Well that's what she told me. Hum.

Anyway, just cos it's Valentines and Miss L is a friend AND I've seen the photographic evidence here's something especially for her and all you ladies who might be partial to the lovely Lewis. It might be a bit arduous for some gentlemen but it's worth sticking it out until you see Lewis with the bad haircut. You'll know the one I mean. Take my advice - don't copy Lewis get a perm instead.

ENOUGH! I can't take anymore of this sickening idolatry! Lewis wasn't that handsome!

Well, yes okay he was..... (Might as well say it before Miss L squirts me again.)

Anyway, I'm not saying I'd turn down Lewis on a dark night (even without my lippy on) but Mrs T preferred Martin Shaw. It was just something about that perm! So just for me, in a pure act of self indulgence (and lust), here's a few piccys of the delicious Martin in his heyday. Simply the best!

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! May it be Simply the Best!

PS -Lewis should have been Bond, not that Dalton fellow. Humph.
PPS - If you're ever on a train in Germany remember not say "Thank you" in English. It can get you in to deep trouble.


  1. Hi Jane

    Thanks for the memories! We were deprived teenagers in those days with no internet. Imagine that screen show from You Tube when we were 15, rather than relying on posters from Jackie magazine - we'd have been in 7th heaven! Talking of Jackie - I'm now the proud owner of The Album Vol 2 - another trip down memory lane. We were privileged to have such great music in the 70's and 80's. Play it to your kids and they may not say they prefer it to the chart music of today but I bet they'll be singing along and dancing to Sweet and the Bay City Rollers when you're not listening! Long live Abba - maybe they've brought it all back.

    And going back to Valentines - you may have preferred Martin to Lewis but I reckon Pierce has got a bit of both about him! The Winner Takes it All and all I can say is Thank You for the Music and Friday nights with The Professionals and Saturday's down at Park Avenue, NW....and the other bits I can't mention!

    See you soon.

  2. Okay, when I see you later...whisper in my ear!

    Yep, Pierce has a way about him - and it's not often I get to say this - but compared to Martin and Lewis- he's the younger man!Hoorah!


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