Well this in the 100th post here on my blog The Witty Ways of Wayward Wife. So for all my loyal readers who have been curious to find out some of my more intimate details which I’ve kept under wraps here’s some absolutely fascinating and riveting facts about me. It should give you huge insight into the mind of the Housewife Extraordinaire.
Here we go;
1. As a teenager I once bought a pair of bright green trousers with large leaves on them. On showcasing them to my parents, my father looked slowly over the top of his glasses, put his hand his pocket and pulled out a ten pound note and handed it to me. He said nothing; words were not necessary.
2. I used to play a clarinet until some told me you were meant to make music with it.
3. I used to play the guitar …until someone told me you were meant to make music with it.
4. I declined to learn the piano… on the basis that someone might tell me that I should be making music with it
5. I used to have singing lessons; the teacher’s dog used to sit outside the room and howl. In fact, when it saw me coming up the path it used to try and throw itself out of the upstairs window. My teacher loved her dog and begged me stop. I quit but I heard the dog “disappeared” shortly afterwards. Strange.
6. I used to have acting lessons and aspired to be an actress. These days I just aspire to keep my sanity. People look at me strangely believing I am talking to myself; I’m actually rehearsing for my next play “Confessions of Housewife Superstar” The opening line is “Oh God it’s burning…..”
7. When Master Jacob was a baby I walked down a street unintentionally showing of one of my boobs. (I’d forgotten I’d been breast feeding – that’s motherhood for you.) Still, I felt kinda good for a while believing blokes were looking at me cos I was still one hot chick. The reality was I looked like I’d just been released from a mental institution. (5 hours in a car with 2 kids = madness = boobs hanging out and hair standing on end.)
8. My boys have been playing tennis since they were little and I’ve witnessed some gross pushy parents and horrendous cheating. Last year I finally blew my top and told one pushy parent to get off court in no uncertain terms. She was escorted off the court and I was escorted to the police station.
9. I failed my German O level; this has dramatically hindered my plan to take over the world. However, it has resulted it a life long fascination with frankfurters. See my post here.
10. I failed my maths O level 3 times. This has (luckily) prevented me from achieving Mr T’s budget shopping requirements. (When a woman reaches a certain age she realises kitchen roll is not a suitable substitute for toilet roll.) I feel sorry for Catherine Zeta Jones having to use the dregs from Michael’s beer glass and the scrapings from the honey jar to wash her hair. I guess that’s what happens when you marry a guy who is really, really old. Still, I guess they don’t have to worry about using condoms; I expect a paper clip would do the trick nicely.
11. 3 years ago, I took a university maths course and passed with 86%. It’s official; I can now count to 20.
15. I am a safe and diligent driver and have never crashed my car
16. I have a tendency to lie under extreme pressure.
17. I haven’t been outside the UK for 35 years. This year I plan to do something a little different; I thought I’d try swimming across the Channel. I’ve been building up my fat stores and I think I might just be able to do it. I intend to race Richard Branson in his new yacht Virgin’ on a Bighead.
18.I have telepathic powers and can see into the future. I foresee that Richard’s Branson’s yacht will develop a “sinking problem” about a mile out to sea. I also foresee that all his life jackets will be missing.
19. I was raised as a Catholic – some might say that explains a lot. It doesn’t. Although it may explain why nothing I bake ever rises. It may also explain my aversion to long black skirts unless their worn by Keanu Reeves (as in The Matrix.) Which leads me to ask the question; when are they going to do kickboxing at Sunday school? You know, staffs are just not good enough for self defence these days.
19. As a child I had Irish Red Setter whom I adored called Rupee Bear. Well he had some posh pedigree name but that kinda suited him better. He did all these amazing things like sit, lie down, shake paws, steal stuff off the table, off the cooker, chew the bed covers, slippers and anything that took his fancy. He also used to run off up into the woods and roll in cow’s muck. Then I would give him a shampoo and set; he absolutely loved having a blow dry. I guess it was like having one of those dollies little girls have today – only he didn’t wear a nappy and **** on command.
20. I also had a budgerigar who had the exciting name of “Budgie”. I feel this explains why I’m just a plain Jane. I plan to write a best selling book entitled Budgie The Budgerigar followed by the sequels Puppy the Dog, Pussy the Cat and Ass the Donkey. I feel sure they will be instant best sellers.
21.I have size 5.5 feet. Master Jacob who is 10 has size 5. Later in the year I will be able to wear his football boots and he will be able to wear my stilettos. Hmm. Interesting.
I must now interrupt this post to report that Cleo the Vomiting Cat has just thrown up in the hallway.
I must also report that Tigga the Beelzebub Cat has just sampled it.
I feel sick.
Anyhow, I would like to finish with congratulatory telegrams I received today
HRH Queen Elizabeth II;
“My dear Mrs T, you are credit to my country; a noble woman of sophistication, charm and dignity. I confer upon you my highest award; The Order of the British Housewife. (Also, as requested I have dispatched under separate cover the key to The Tower so that you may confine Mr Cruise as per instructions. I will leave the gates open.Yours, Queenie.")
Mr Pierce Brosnan;
“ My Darling Mrs T, Thank you so much for your contribution to my continuing global success and for never taking the mickey out of me for my appalling singing in Mamma Mia. Love and kisses, Piercey Babes. Ps, See you later Honey XXX."
Mr Barack Obama,
Hey baby, between you and me, I’ve been reading your blog and you are one hot groovy chick. Get down to my place; I’m doing a Clinton tonight. Hugs, Obi Wan Obama.”
Dame Judy Dench
“The job is yours Mrs T. I’m way too old to be looking at Daniel. He can’t act but boy is his arse good. See you at the club, Rudy Judy”
Mrs Margaret Thatcher
“If only you had been my foreign secretary Mrs T instead of Hurd the Turd, I feel we would have conquered the world together! Congratulations on your achievement. (Btw that David is a charmer. Last night when we were at the Common’s bar he told me he was going to have a stiff one. I haven’t felt so good for years.) See you later, Mags.”
And my good friend Master Sy,
"Mrs T, I have followed your progress since you were a fledgling straight jacket wearing nutcase through to housewife extraordinaire. It has been a marvellous journey filled with signs of insanity (Pierce "Dodgy TV Ad" Brosnan) all the way to signs of genius (mentioning me in your posts). My congratulations on reaching 100. You don’t even look 37."
Please feel free to leave me your own congratulatory telegram!
Copyright Jane Turley The Housewife Extraordinaire 2009