Saturday, February 21, 2009

The Floating Shopper

Yeah, I've changed my blog colour again. I just can't help it, I'm one of those people who gets bored easily. That's why I'm a "Floating Shopper." In other words, I don't shop every week at the same place, I do wild fanciful things like shopping at Tescos one week, Morrisons the next, Aldi the week after and maybe I'll even throw in a quick trip to Asda just to get the adrenaline pumping.

Actually, to be honest, food shopping just bores me rigid- well until I get to the sweet aisle and then all of a sudden I feel a little bit more perky. Mmm.

Anyhow, I'd just like to point out that although my blog colours have changed quite a few times in the last year they don't change as frequently as supermarkets change the location of their products. One week I'm in aisle 6 for baked beans and then 2 weeks later they're in aisle 10. Not good. I like to get in and out of these places in break-neck speed and if I nip in for some bread I don't want to find myself standing in front of the incontinence pads. I've got enough worries about being a bow legged old granny wandering around with soggy knickers without looking at those things whilst I've still got a modicum of bladder control.

Further, I just want to say - I never want to see nappies and baby milk ever, ever, again! I've done my penance so if I find myself down an aisle full of Pampers and Huggies it is like waving a red flag to a bull. I instantly turn from a polite, rational woman into a mad lunatic who wants to make the life of every shop assistant sheer utter HELL. So if any of you ladies (and any gentlemen who may be interested) suffer from the same problem here's my top tips for making your shopping trip more "pleasurable" ...

1. Okay -just cos it's busy don't be tempted into rushing. Relax, chill out! Shopping should be a fun experience! In fact, why not pretend you've lost your debit card and enjoy the pleasure of keeping all those folks waiting and watching the assistant's face turn red.......


"Now where's my card? I'm terribly sorry to keep you waiting... I only just used it so it must be here somewhere. Unless I dropped it. Where would I have dropped it? Oh dear!"


At this point, start to look panicky. (Remembering the time you walked down the high street with the rear of your skirt tucked in your tights should help.) Empty the entire contents of your handbag over the conveyor belt. (NB - don't forget to leave your spare granny knickers in the car.) Act increasingly distressed...


"I'm sure I put it in my purse! I'm soooo sorry...."

When the assistant looks suitably impatient, exhale loudly and proclaim;

" Here it is! Thank goodness!"

Dramatic pause.

"Oh whoops......no.... that's my library card...."

Finally, when the queue is a mile long and the assistant is ready to slash her wrists quickly pull your card out of your pocket and then just as she's about to swipe it you say;

" Oh, I just forgot to get something - back in a jiffy!"

Mmm...deeply satisfying, especially if you have a bad case of PMT.

2. Look for the assistant just about to go for her tea break and engage her in a long conversation about the merits of tinfoil and how you made a whole suit of armour for your son out of Bacofoil and cereal boxes. The assistant will be fuming but the next turkey you roast will taste sooo much better.

3. Swap the price labels around. When it comes up £3.50 on the till for your tin of baked beans cause an almighty stir and demand to see the manager. Not only will you get your beans for free, you will get the sympathy of the entire queue and your shopping carried to your car. You will also get the satisfaction of knowing that it makes up for all the times you've been overcharged. If you're feeling really daring, try the same scam with more expensive products like loo rolls, shampoos or detergents. (Don't try using chocolate, muffins or Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream or the manager will be very, very sceptical and you could come a cropper.)

4. Ask an assistant where the dishwasher salt is. When she replies "Next to the dishwasher tablets," you say " And where's that?" When she says "In aisle 14" you reply " But I've already tried there." Keep going till she gets in a huff and actually has to take you there. Then you say;

" Oh yes, there it is! I just don't know how I didn't see it!" (Don't forget to look suitably innocent.)

However, if you're feeling really vindictive say "Oh, I never use that brand...."

Believe me, you will feel really, really good.

5. Ever been called "love" or "dear" by the checkout lady? I have. I'm not keen on that kind of familiarity but if it is a kindly old gal I can take it on the chin. But now I've found women who are obviously younger than me do as well and that makes me MAD, MAD, MAD!

Combat this problem by following my tried and tested formula;

a) Wink at them.

b) Say "Thanks Honey."

c) Just as you're about to leave look at their name badge and say " I'll be back (insert name) it was lovely meeting you."

(Don't forget to run your tongue around your lips in a suggestive manner.)

I personally guarantee you will not have anymore trouble.

Okay...what was this post about? I dunno. I was just going to say I've been busy with the school holidays and fiddling around with these colour schemes......

See you soon!

Mrs T.

9 comments:

  1. Oh Jane Jane Jane ! You had me in splits there - Im still gasping . I wont say I havent tried that "now where's that tea .." and " Oh how silly , must be getting old " strategy at times and I have picked up some more ideas for my next grocery shopping expedition .

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  2. Tee hee! Spot on, Mrs T.

    In my sad life, it is incredibly exciting to go shopping in a different supermarket. Oh, the challenge, the excitement of it! Where have they hidden the strawberry jam this week? (etc) Also, I get in a total muddle when supermarket A only sells 80 per cent of the stuff on my list and I have to go to supermarket B as well. Even more excitement! No wonder I never get anything done ...

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  3. Mrs G, So glad you enjoyed it! You know we girls have gotta have a little fun from time to time!

    Mrs B,

    Exactly Mrs B! Who wants to shop in the same place very week? Dull, dull, dull! Supermarkets have just got to learn to spice things up - I suggest they make the floors into ice rinks and then we can do it "On ice" Just imagine how much fun there would be to had?! And no worries about your ice cream defrosting!

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  4. Hahaha...
    I am usually so eager to finish my business and get out of the supermarket that I don't think I'd ever risk anything that would entail my having to spend a few minutes more there.
    And the check out staff here are quite happy to wait unmindful of the long queues - she may even take out her nail file and use this time to engage in some grooming while I struggle or pretend to struggle.
    It is no fun when you cannot get them hassled no?

    The tips are priceless though. I'd try them if ever I get to shop in a supermarket in the U.K. or may be not! what if my Visa gets cancelled witha remark: Public threat. No more entries into the U.K or any of its colonies.

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  5. I am not much of a shopper..actually, I hate it. I guess I'm not very girly-girly. AND! The older I get the more of a pain it becomes....it's my bladder. I can run to the bathroom before I go, and then as soon as I get to the mall, it's the first thing I have to run for..You understand then that my kids HATE shopping with me...go figure.

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  6. Usha,

    Well let's face it; shopping is boring if you have do it as much as I do - those boys eat an awful lot!

    I'm Usha, I'm sure we could find a space for you in the UK! (Especially, if we put our Le Crueset suacepans together!)

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  7. Tamera,

    I'd like to say I have no idea what you mean about your bladder - but unfortunately I know EXACTLY what you mean!!

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  8. I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


    Ann

    http://externallaptop.net

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  9. Hi Ann,

    Welcome to My Witty Ways; I hope you'll emjoy the read and please feel free to comment any time. Serious or silly all comments are welcome!

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I am always delighted to receive comments!