Now I'm sorry to bring up this subject again but well let's talk James Bond, 007.
Now I've had a fetish for OO7 since I read all Ian Fleming's books in my early teens. I love thrillers, spy stories and all that secret agent stuff. All that excitement! Wow, I love it! I'm not sure, having imagined myself as a secret agent for the best part of my life, how I've ended up as a dowdy housewife though. Life just isn't fair sometimes.
By the way, If the FBI are reading this please note I'm ready for my mission! (I'm assuming you pay better than MI5- cos we are just so tight in this country it's untrue. And I do get a gun don't I? Cos, you know, with MI5 I'd only get a brolly and a small packet of Jelly Babies. Boy, that is so disappointing....)
Anyway, being the fruitcake that I am I often have these fantasies about making wild, passionate love to James Bond. (Okay, some one step in if I start giving away too much information) Yeah, so anyway I have this fantasy where he's peeling off my clothes, I'm slowly undoing the buttons on his shirt, he pulls out his gun and....
Ummm....okay, okay I'll stop there! (Damn.)
Anyway, you get the idea. A fantasy about having hot rumpy pumpy with a super hot guy. (Gez my hormones are on overdrive at the moment.) So anyway, I want to tell you that my fantasy about Mr Bond actually came true the other day!
Only with my cat Mr Bond and not 007.
Yeah, I was sitting on the sofa chilling out and Mr Bond jumps on to my lap and starts feeling me up. You know that kneeding stuff cats do. First, my tummy, then he moves onto my breasts, then back to my tummy again. Pawing away. Nothing unusual there really. Cats always do that kind of stuff - although I admit I was kinda shocked when he tried to unclasp my bra.
Anyway, there I am thinking the little fellow is gonna settle down for a nice stroking session with good old Mrs T when he starts to make noises. In a manner which could only be described (in hindsight) as "sex talk.".You know folks I think Mr Bond was talking dirty to me! Real fruity stuff too cos well, all of a sudden, poor Mrs T felt a warmth spreading on her jeans......
Gez! That'll teach me to have fantasies! It could only happen to me. I wait all my life for wild sex with a secret agent and I end up getting humped by a cat. Pass me the tissues someone. For the tears folks....not for the other....
Maybe it was my fault. Cos well you see when I adopted the little fella he still had all his body parts. (If you know what I mean) And he was such a sweet guy, no trouble at all and well they looked kinda soft and silky like a black velvet purse. I just didn't have the heart to do it too him....
Yeah, so I rang the vets immediately and took him the next day and had 'em chopped off. I mean I can't put "making whoope with cats" under Hobbies on my CV can I?
Well that should be the end of the story really. But unfortunately for you readers it isn't. You know they say that cats have nine lives? Well I'm kinda thinking it's not nine lives but...nine balls. Yep, I don't know what's going down there but Mr Bond looks like he's still got them to me. Only bigger, better and firmer!
Yes, so the the other day there was this other incident.... Now let's not go into too much detail. I've got my pride you know. Let's just say I changed my jumper and he was looking particularly smug. In fact, very smug. Yep, he jumped off me and starts cleaning himself and then shoots me a look which says "Sooo how was it for you then baby?"
You don't want to know my reply.
Anyway, so you see dreams do come true - Just not the way you think!