Sunday, March 14, 2010

Boredom, magazines and Jennifer Anniston

Blimey, I'm having a couple of funny days. Have you ever had a day when you've got absolutely stacks do but just can't settle to it? When you are fundamentally bored out of your mind?

Yep, I had one of those yesterday and I can tell I'm gonna have another today. I've read blogs, news headlines, looked at threads on Blog Catalog, surfed the net looking for that elusive something that's going to fire me up. No can do. Nothing is happening in my brain. It's in that "Almost Dead" mode. You know the one where you can look at an anagram for 2 hours work out that 14 letters spell Geoffrey Boycott but not work out that the remaining three letters I R S spell SIR. Yep, I did that yesterday. And then Mrs A, Mrs S and I from the Book Club and our respective partners lost the village quiz by one point. One sodding point.

Look, how can you have SIR Geoffrey Boycott but not have Sir Paul McCartney and Sir Alec Guiness? Those conniving quiz masters were just trying to throw me off the scent. I say, if you gonna have people's titles then you got be consistent MRS ******Quizmaster.

Not that I'm sour of course. No way. Really, I don't mind not getting the prize of a big chocolate Easter egg. Who wants one of those anyway? It's just chocolate right?

In fact I like losing. Love it. Which is probably just as well as Master Ben's footie team lost 3-2 yesterday because they were in that "I'm not sure if I want to run this morning mode." Gez, I hate lethargy (except when it's my lethargy of course when it's perfectly acceptable) especially when it causes you to lose when you should have won. Yeah, last week Master Ben's team won 10-1 cos they were AWAKE, yesterday they lost because they were ASLEEP.

All credit to Master Ben who looked marginally more awake then some of the others. Enough for him not to be chained to his bed for a week with no food and water anyhow. Just.

Anyway I'm in one of those moods. I don't feel like writing my novel (which I've been working hard on lately) or reading a book or even a magazine. Although why I should read a magazine when they're all full of adverts (does anyone with a half a brain take notice of them?) recipes (no need for those obviously), regurgated advice about how to lose weight (again no need there I know all that stuff inside out) or rekindle your marriage by dressing up as a nurse/tart/ nun. (Delete as appropriate.) I mean, womens' magazines are just well.... how do I put this delicately? Ummmm......

Crap?

Yep, that's the word. And if I ever see another picture of Jennifer Anniston I will blow my brains out.

Who writes this garbage anyway? Yep, I can just see the editorial team sitting round their big impressive table, strewn with takeaway coffee cups, free samples and bulging Filofaxes...

"Darhhhhlings, we must make a decision on next week's cover! I'm sooo stressed about the deadline. Hilary Clinton's not available for the cover shoot, neither is Judy Dench or Anita Roddick."

"Anita Roddick is dead, Zara."

"Oh is she? Why didn't you tell me, Babs? I would've sent flowers!"
"Oh Sorry. I didn't think you want to know."

"Okay, scratch The Body Shop from the Christmas card list. I didn't like that cherry flavoured lip gloss anyway."

" Actually, I have a good idea, Zara. Let's go retro. We could do a cover with Marie Curie, Golda Meir or Emily Pankhurst on the front. How great would that be?!"

"Ohh....Retro, Great idea, Babs. I can see the cover now..all swirls and circles. Psychedelic colours. Yummy! Who's this Marie Curie then? A 60's fashioner designer? Maybe we could find a piccy of her in a miniskirt and boots? Fabbbbulous!"
"Um....no. Marie Curie was a scientist."

"You mean, she had her own cosmetics and perfumery range? Oh how absolutely fabbbbulous! So revolutionary back then! Maybe we could do a centre spread featuring all those lovely red lipsticks from the 60s? Ohh...I'm seeing vibrant reds here, maybe some paler reds.... even some pinkish reds ! Ohhh.. fab, fab, fab! Darrhhhling you're a genius! "
"Um.....Zara... um.... actually Marie Curie was a pioneer in the field of radioactivity. She won two Nobel peace prizes in physics and chemistry..... But hey, I can see you're not too smitten with that idea....but I've got an even better idea! Now I don't want to play Devil's advocate but.....but..... but................ have you thought of Jennifer Aniston?"

"Oh genius Babs! Jennifer Aniston! I love it! So refreshingly different and her hair is just fabbbbbulous....."

Is it just me or are women's magazines just utterly boring? Look, just for once I'd like to read something that doesn't involve a celebrity, a makeover or a crochet cardigan. In fact, I'm so fed up with women's magazines I'm drafting my own letter and sending it out en masse;


Dear Editor

Your Magazine is boring. I am not a dimwit. You are.

Regards,

Jane Turley.

Well, can you tell that I'm bored folks? Yep, absolutely mind numbingly bored.

I wish a was a scientist. And I wish I could do anagrams.

8 comments:

  1. Unfortunately, most women's magazines are heavy on fluff (how to turn a man on, 10 ways to satisfy him sexually, etc) and light on decent articles.

    Most of the women's mags today (Cosmopolitan and Vanity Fair, to name a few) have editors who enjoy that type of clap-trap and feel that their readers should experience it as well.

    As for being asleep while playing, the proper phrase over here is "phoning it in".

    Which is how you describe someone who's able to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

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  2. I'm not blaming you too much Mrs T. If Mr T had said Harold Wilson and not Harold Macmillan we would have won. Lets blame him.
    Or if I said The Listener and not the Radio Times...(I still contend that shouldn't have come in the television round...not that I am bitter...)
    Next quiz we need to have a high level meeting about which round to play the joker on. And then choose something else.

    Yours,
    Adme Judi Dench.

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  3. Hmm Mrs T you 'ave been creeping all over cyberspace seeing as how you've left mouseprints on my facebook album which just shows how bored you were :p
    Women's magazines are stupid clones of each other filled with brainless muck . I have often wondered about the readership. Me, I check out the ads , but seriously.
    Bad thing about both teams losing the big prize (:
    About books , now I've done more than my fair share of reading . Am about to start Pinkerton's Sister. Have Audrey Niffeneger's "Her Fearful symmetry "on the side.

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  4. G,

    ALL women's magazines are heavy on fluff! I would rather buy a magazine about serial killers or collecting toenails:)

    Ohhh ..didn't know that expression. Thanks. At least out of my weekend of boredom I've now actually learnt something!

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  5. Mrs A,

    An excellent idea to blame to blame Mr T. The fact that I read that quote only about 2 weeks ago has nothing to do with his inadequacies:)

    I agree entirely - how can an answer about a magazine be in around about TV? I belive a formal complaint is required. Shoot of a letter now Mrs A.

    Yes, we need to choose carefully on when to play the joker - Food and Drink doesn't work for me as I have no interest in it - other thn swallowing it of course.

    Yours,

    Smr ca'tn od angaarsm.

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  6. Mrs G,

    I am shocked, deeply shocked, that you've check out those little adverts in the mags. I trust you don't check out the ones at backs of newspapers as well?!

    Although if you come across any firms that do bulking ordering for 50 denier support tights do let me know:)

    Hmm....do let me know how you get on with Audrey Niffenger's latest - I gather it has not be so well received. Would be interested to hear your opinion..

    Ps - I should have done some reading instead- t'would have been more fruitful:)

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  7. Weirdly enough, I'm the most bored when I'm overwhelmed with too much crap to do. It kind of paralyzes my brain and makes me want to pick up one of those magazines....you know the kind....with Ms. Anniston on the cover.

    OK, maybe I'm not that bored. They do suck pretty bad, mainly because they don't actually say anything. But I will admit, I do kind of like Ms. Aniston. :)

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  8. Hey Guys, I accept Ms Anniston is one hot chick (rather like myself of course) but on the face of every other magazine? I'd much prefer George Clooney:))

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