Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Boys, boys, boys spell TROUBLE.

Yesterday I received the following circular from my friend Mrs S who obviously thought it might be of interest to me as it’s entitled;

“You find out interesting things when you have sons….”

Now as I have three sons I am in a position to verify the accuracy of the following statements. Naturally, I’ve also added my own comments because that’s just the way I am. (Irritatingly long winded.) I’ve also worked out from point 20 that this circular originates from Australia which means I’ve had to revise my whole thinking about Aussies. Previously I thought the only funny thing to come out of Australia was Shane Warne.

Right here we go;

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200 m2 house to a depth of 10 cm.

Mrs T says - Yep and any kid with a brain knows a hosepipe does a much better job. And if you block up the toilet at the same time Mummy gets really cross which means your brother owes you 50p and a gobstopper.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust balls and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

Mrs T says - Hairspray also makes a useful flame thrower for taunting the next door neighbour’s cat. I also finds it useful for lighting the barbecue, caramelising puddings and warming the toilet seat on cold winters’ evenings.


3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

Mrs T says - True. But not as loud as his mother's.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 20 Kg boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint tin, to spread paint on all four walls of a 6m x 6m room.

Mrs T says - Don’t forget to get your son to remove the curtains first and even if he doesn’t it’ll still be a better job than his father’s. An ambitious Mummy will probably strap her son(s) to an electric train set and make him paint the skirting boards at the same time.

5. You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way.

Mrs T says - NEVER EVER let your child use a pair of rolled up socks as a cricket ball. When it falls inside the upturned light shade it starts a small fire.

6. The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan.

Mrs T says - Yep, but at least your house is still standing.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

Mrs T says - That’s not quite true. It’s the second flush when the water starts pouring over the rim and a small child starts yelling “Mummmmy…. Benedict’s put his head down the toilet…” that you really have to worry. You have precisely 15 seconds to rescue son number three from a further drenching from his older brother, botulism and a mouthful of something rather unsavoury.

8. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

Mrs T says - Alternatively, learn from Mrs T’s grandfather; put floor ceiling wax in the engine instead of oil. It’s guaranteed to seize up the whole engine.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

Mrs T says - True. A six year old boy can light a fire with a flint rock. Especially with a flint obtained from his neighbour’s precious fossil collection. However, there IS one man who can light a fire with flint and that is Ray Mears (who also happens to light a fire in Mrs T’s knickers.)

10. Certain Lego pieces will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

Mrs T says - Again, true. However, it will not pass through the cycle of a washing machine or tumble dryer without incurring a minimum payment of £50.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Mrs T says; Neither should hamsters.

12. Super glue is forever.

Mrs T says- Superglue is for mere novices. Here’s a tip don’t leave that tubes of DIY mega waterproof sealant lying around unless you want your smart leather sofa decorated in the Rococo style.

13. No matter how many jelly crystals you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Mrs T says - True. This is because only a Mummy can walk on water because Mummy is God and her word rules.

However, one unfortunate Mummy has often been known to slip on water, head butt the sink and cry “You little *******” especially at bath time when her sons have been playing “Sink the Bismarck,” “Dive, Dive, Dive,” and “The Cruel Sea.”

(It should also be noted that in the absence of a mop, Pampers Nappies make a useful absorbent pseudo cloth.

14. Pool filters do not like jelly crystals.

Mrs T says- However, crystals are preferable to small brown “movements” that float on water.

15. VCR's do not eject 'BL&T' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Mrs T says - Neither do DVD players - but now I believe those rumours about Aussies being backwards; I was a disbeliever before. (Ho, hum)

16.Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Mrs T says - True, but parachutes make good garbage bags which is why I always use my knickers when I run out of refuse sacks. (Knotted of course, I ain’t silly you know.)

17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

Mrs T says - They also make a (delightful) noise when being sucked up the vacuum cleaner when Mummy can’t stand skateboarding across the kitchen any longer.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that smell is.

Mrs T says - Yes, I do. Because I want more than 40 seconds to get out alive.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

Mrs T says - Nothing likes my oven. Fact.

However, I should point out that it is not advisable to look in any oven too long as your husband may gas you especially if you have a bad track record in producing unwholesome meals. Not that I do; I am a culinary genius. Well sort of… in a sort of dream fantasy way…

20. The fire department in Brisbane, Queensland, has a 5-minute response time.

Mrs T says - The Fire Department rapid response unit has a 13 minute ETA time to my house; the Ambulance Service has 10 minutes and the Police 2 minutes. (A member of the constabulary lives 3 doors down and had installed CCTV in the street to observe any strange goings on.)

I should point out that I know theses factors because;

The Ambulance service visited my house when Master Benedict took a nose dive of the kitchen counter.

I took a trip in the Ambulance when Master Sam head butted a brick wall.

I re-timed the ETA when I visited Casualty of my own choice when Master Jacob had a suspected broken arm from playing tag rugby on concrete. (However, that was not as embarrassing as his previous visit when he’d taken the top off a bottle of children’s paracetamol and was spoon feeding it to himself with a soup spoon.)

Regrettably, The Police have also visited my house. On opening my front door one evening I was duly shocked to find a police officer looking sternly at me;

“Do you have a phone M’am?”

“Ye…eessss…”

“I’m afraid we must investigate all incidents of heavy breathing.”

It transpired that Master Jacob had phoned 999 and left the phone off the hook after “entertaining” them at the station. Whilst Master Jacob was “entertaining” them according to Mrs C (My friend, the Police officer who lives down the road and was on duty at the station) said they could all hear me vacuuming in the background…….

The last time the Fire Service called….

Oh, I’ll just give you a tip instead…

NEVER roll up your socks into balls………


21.The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

Mrs T says - Nope, it makes them dead. It also has the same effect on woodlice, beetles and... hamsters.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Mrs T says - Praise the Lord! I just love getting vengeance on them for vomiting on my carpet.


23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Mrs T says - Yeah, but it’s kinda satisfying. Especially when you scoop it back up and put it back in their dish.

Well there you go. More drivel from the mouth of Mrs T...

16 comments:

  1. Ohhhhhhh ... I feel dizzy and my bowl haz somthing funny in there!

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  2. Ooo new piccy Speedy! Very nice...but I thought you were a cat or at the very least a chicken?! (I won't say pussy because I believe that means something else in the US...)

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  3. Drivel? No, no, Mrs. T. In fact, you must be prescient or telepathic or something. Re: point no. 5, my son rolled his socks up in a ball and used them as a football. It went in the upturned wall-light and ... put it this way, there was a VERY funny smell before I turned everything off. Only later did I discover the blackened sock ... If you ever go on 'Mastermind', would your subject be 'Small boys and the habits thereof'?

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  4. Mrs B, lovely to see you! I am familiar with that burning smell you speak off....'tis true rolled up socks are potentially lethal, which is why I always try to avoid pairing them up... (ho, hum)


    Now, have pity on Mrs T..it is ANOTHER dressing up day at LM tomorrow! I have just manufactured a Vietnamese conical hat (which I have to say is a lot easier thsn some of the things I've made over the years. However, I had to persuade Master J that going as a Vietnamese soldier was not politically correct and perhaps he could go as a worker in the paddy fields... )

    Hmm... Mastermind. I belive I would excel at a number of child related subjects... small boys, Thomas the Tank Engine, bad jokes for Christmas crackers....

    But somehow I fear my general knowledge may not be so good!!

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  5. Hmmm...So FordFocus mum has a son that rolls his socks up in a ball. I am pretty sure I used to do that too...but my Mum probably knew why...after all, she found my "stash" under the bed once.

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  6. Master Sy.... I cannot believe you wrote that!!!!!!!

    On the other hand, I can believe it. Because you are Master Sy, Humourist Extrordinaire, and as Mrs T knows sometimes the funniest humour is actually the truth!!!

    Hope you use tissues now Sy - Or do your own washing.

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  7. Nah these days I have a kind of colostomy bag attached to the end of my...well, ya know...we dont need to go in to too much detail now do we?

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  8. No for Heaven's sake don't go into too much detail - this is a family site!

    Your just a big hunk of love right?!

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  9. Oh, you really put your thinking cap on didn't you? You've got some great ones here. Well Done!

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  10. Vietnamese ANYTHING! What ARE these teachers on?? You haven't forgotten it's Tudor Day on Monday at the other school? Tights and codpieces, anyone? I think I will pretend that I forgot - again.

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  11. I prefer a hunk o' burnin love, but yeah I can go with your one!

    Although can you say this is a family site when you keep talking about that bloke who advertises womens moisturiser under the guise of a mens product?

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  12. Mr I, glad you like it! Although to be honest I didn't have to put my thinking hat on too much!After being mother for 17 years I've had my fair share of disasters. Even you're the most diligent of mothers with eyes in the back of your head it is still impossible to escape the wicked ways of small boys!

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  13. Mrs B,

    I don't know what they're on but whatever it is I want some of it!

    I've lost count but I think this will be my 6th Tudor day. Quite frankly, I am happy to put my head on the block in true Tudor fashion.

    Ps Astounding news; Master Jacob won best costume yesterday.I've no idea how; he tells me it was his Vietnamese conical hat that did it; I think it was the drugs the teacher was on.

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  14. You have a point Master Sy! I believe the guy with the moisturiser has too but I'm not saying anything more about it!

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  15. Aren't I glad my sons are all growed up!!! Hopefully not too many live beings will be dizzy in the future-- to save you from all those cleaning bills/tasks.

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  16. Boys are hard work aren't they Sue?! My younger two are very physcial and when we do have the odd free night I think how lovely it will be.... and then the sibling battles commence...

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