Saturday, September 27, 2008

Six ways to change the world


I have to thank Mr Intrepid over at Intrepid Ideas for the inspiration for this post. Apparently Google are running a competition with a $10, 000,000 prize. Wow! The prize is justifiably big as they are looking for ideas that might change the world. Well, I had a think and these are some ideas I came up with;

1. I will create a renewable energy source. This is how it will work; I will be strapped into a chair with electrodes on my hands, feet and head that will transmit energy impulses from my body to a battery that will then generate enough electricity for the whole of the UK. How will this concept actually work? Ok… I will be forced (and I use that term lightly) to watch moving images and stills of Pierce Brosnan in compromising positions on a giant sized film screen…. Obviously my resulting body heat will bring me close to spontaneous combustion but in view of the benefits to mankind I feel Google will be impressed. Of course, should I begin to cool down at any point I must also be subjected to pictures of George Clooney, Kevin Costner, Daniel Craig……..

Like minded woman all over the world will be asked to participate thus providing a new and completely renewable energy source.

Pure genius eh?

2. I will halt global warming. I will do this with the aid of 2.5 kilos of potatoes and
a Le Crueset saucepan.

How is this possible? Well have you ever lifted a Le Crueset saucepan? Blimey, are those things heavvvvvy. I refuse to have any… even the thought of them brings me out in a sweat and I don’t fancy working out at the gym just to pick up the damn things. I have relations who own Le Crueset and I’ve worked out that if you fill them with potatoes they are in fact deadly killing machines… so if you want to finish of your granny and inherit a fortune just give her a Le Crueset saucepan. With the strain of carrying it she’ll be dead by Christmas.

So how will this halt global warming? The answer is simple. Global warming will continue until some disbelievers/politicians get off their backsides and do something about it or they are…. “Removed.” (Know what I mean?) Of course, using an AK47 assault rifle would be quicker but I feel any “removal” must look accidental…. A little bit of water on the floor, a Le Crueset saucepan on the head… and whoops..... cynical politician is no more…

I will also head a secret agency called MI5LC (The British Secret Service - Military Intelligence, Le Crueset Division) and I will be known, amazingly as…. Not M, not J, not T but… but…. Mrs T. The Mrs T. My deadly cohorts and I will stalk disbelievers of global warming and eliminate them...thus allowing effective solutions to be put in place quickly……

(Hmm.. that idea really appeals I’ve always fancied being in the secret service….However, I don’t qualify because according to all the thrillers I’ve read a female secret agent must be at least 5ft 10in, beautiful, a black belt, fluent in 5 languages, an expert marksman and familiar with explosives.

Regretfully, I don’t qualify on any of those accounts. Except the explosives of course…….cos you know what? And this will come as a surprise to you…me and the microwave just don’t get on……)

3. I will solve the current world financial crisis. The answer to this is easy; we all know that there is plenty of cash in this world it just needs to be distributed fairly. What we need is to appoint a thoroughly honest and trustworthy person to administer it.

As a certified
“Honest Blogger” I put myself forward for this job… I will be unequivocally fair and scrupulous; world crisis solved!

“Ssssssh…Ok Mr Intrepid… that’s 10 billion for me, 5 billion for you, ½ a jam sandwich for Bill Gates, 10p for Gordon Brown and a kick up the backside for Mr Bush….”





4. I will increase recycling efficiency. Well I can’t take all the credit for this one - but by using the threat of my Le Crueset Saucepan I will force the entire Women’s Institute to knit recyclable carrier bags made from used plastic carrier bags, thus reducing the need for throwaway plastic carrier bags and the epidemic of castaway products. I read about a British woman who actually does this; to which I say…. Obviously this woman is a member of the WI …. and hurrah for British madness! There’s nothing like it! The knitted bag will be a precursor to Tinfoil Jumpers, Cardboard Trousers (A bit rough on the skin but I bet some folks out there will enjoy it), Paper Doily Knickers (Oooh!) and The Baked Bean Tin Brassiere….

5. I will solve the epidemic of obesity by manufacturing an appetite suppressant. This wonder pill will be based on my own (carbonized version) of
The Turley Pizza Surprise….. I can vouch for the success of this recipe as my boys are supremely physically fit with not a pound of unnecessary flesh on them. (Unlike myself of course… experience has taught me to not to eat my own cooking and just suck on chocolate all day….)

6. In addition to The Turley/Brosnan Renewable Energy System I can offer an alternative solution. It will be the called the Hot Air Vacuum Solution. Politicians who spout lies, rhetoric and “hot air” and also certain celebrities (Obviously I mean Tom Cruise) will be encased in a giant dome where they can spout drivel to their hearts content. The resulting hot air will be collected and used to power massive energy turbines. When they’ve exhausted themselves arguing amongst each other they will be allowed to rest and substituted by celebrity chefs……

Well there you go; 6 easy ways to change the world and earn me 10 million bucks.

What d’you reckon am I in with a chance?

Copyright Jane Turley 2008

Okay.. I know..time to think of something sensible....

29 comments:

  1. Sure looks you have a chance Mrs. T. I like your ideas on dealing with global warming--"Mrs. T and her cohorts". Of course the renewable energy resource is brilliant. Here's to you Mrs. T,. May you win the Google prize.

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  2. Thank you for your praise Sue, I will of course nominate you as one of the poor unfortunate women who has to assist as an energy source for The Turley/Brosnan Renewable Energy System.....

    Yikes, what I could do with 10,000,000 dollars..why I could trade in my Pierce Brosnan "doll" for the Deluxe Model....

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  3. *disappointed*...what happened to the lift and separate granny-knickers???

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  4. Oh Good Lord Tamera, how could I have forgotten those? They will revolutionize women's bottoms the world over!

    Now I know you suggested pink...but I was thinking more of "Hint of Grey."

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  5. Mrs T sounds sexy...strangely the only two things coming into my head are thongs and thighs...
    nice one. ideas would work out...only if they watched more TV and read more blogs like these...we could have a revolution. then you could become her Majesty T. im on your side.
    JB

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  6. Oooohhh...Mrs T has pulled! But what has she pulled?

    a) A muscle
    b) A 21 year old
    c) A cart with the horsey
    d) A thong over her head

    Answers on a postcard to

    "The answer is B"
    C/O Jane Turley - Housewife Extraordinaire
    England.

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  7. Welcome Juxtaposed Blogger;I'm liking you already! Hmm.. to be Her Majesty T and a sexy one too... sounds very, very appealing. I could have lots of young guards at my beck and call! Oh, I'd better not think too much along those lines or at my age I might pass out!

    Please do call again!

    You see Master Sy, Mrs T still has what it takes! I maybe an older woman but you know us older gals have our attractions to.

    Perhaps Master Sy you are a little jealous?? Could Mrs T have duel on her hands?? O what a delightful thought! I'm rather keen on the idea of mud wrestling....

    Ps..Just for the record...My butt might be "curvaceous" but it is NOT so big that I need to remove my thongs over my head....besides I think I'd get into a bit of a tangle....

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  8. A duel? Could we have it in the colouring in room? Maybe a "Who can draw the cat the quickest" competition or something? I am sorry though Mrs T. The jelly wrestling is a female only thing.

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  9. Great ideas, Mrs. T!

    BTW, about secret sgents being 5'10", beautiful. Blackbelt etc.- they're not really like that. It's just a camouflage. So anyone can be a secret agent!

    I hope you win the prize!

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  10. My goodness.... You are creative. I'm staggered by the energy created in your head to create this post. If we could only harness that energy source. Well, I vote we try each of these out one by one. How much energy does an in-person sighting of George Clooney generate? Will that get you wikki - wacky sensors are fused together? I think you're a sure winner of at least the runner-up prize! Thanks for the plug.... You're the best!

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  11. How truly original Mrs. T, is there a site where we may go and vote for you/ (psstttt..how much per vote, I am willing to sit here and vote all day. remember I am an "honest' blogger too...)
    and when you actually realise point no.5, please let me be the guinea pig. I will do anything to arrest this relentless weight increase.

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  12. Master Sy,

    I am going to have smack you botty for being so naughty and rude! I'll be over to your blog later to do it in person! Mrs T likes young men...you will just have to accept your place in the queue!

    Anyway, I know you can only draw hamsters....

    Hello Manju,

    Welcome to my blog and thank you for taking the time to comment. So in real life secret service agents should blend in with the crowd? Hmm... an interesting concept. I still don't qualify though... you've not seen the size of my arse have you?

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  13. Mr I,

    Yep, there's a lot going on in my head. There's also a lot going on in my mouth but let's not talk too much about chocolate or I might start dribbling uncontrollably!

    Yes, I'm all up for testing out these ideas. An "in person" sighting of George Clooney would amount to an energy output of several nucleur reactors, a volancanic erruption the size of Krakatoa and an exploding Turley Pizza Surprise. (So that's pretty big then.)

    Out of curosity where would Mr I place himself on the Turley Renewable Energy Thermometer Gauge if for example George Clooney is 10and George Bush is -10 ??

    Ps; You can lie if you want to... just keep an old girl happy!!

    Usha,

    Once I have perfected the weight loss supplement I will forward it to you without delay.( Except perhaps the small delay while I capture Pierce's heart with my new svelte like body... Mrs T is not prepared to take ANY chances....)

    I wonder if there's a booby prize for the most stupid suggestion? If so, I reckon I could think of quite a few more....

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  14. Grey??? Ok, but only if they have lilac lace...have they got pull-up strings, or just extra strength elastic??

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  15. Might I suggest a slight variation to your first idea for changing the world? My idea is: find a way of capturing all the energy people waste by going to gyms and, for example, running but not getting anywhere. (Personally, I find that I do enough of that without going near a gym, but that observation is not going to win the cash!)

    Seriously, the first chain of gyms to have people pay to create energy they could feed back into the Grid would be onto something. If only I'd paid attention in Physics lessons at school ....

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  16. Think it's about time I nominate Mrs T for the No-bull Peace Prize.

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  17. Ah huh...A No-bull peace prize eh? Hmm...that IS an award I believe I am deserving...

    Hope you had a good hols PB. How many copies of Thomas The Tank Engine did you get through whilst you had your feet up? 2 or 3? I've just read a new one "Percy gets a Makeover" Boy, was that a spectacular makeover I can tell you.....

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  18. I read that as 'Percy Gets a Makeover Boy', and thought it might be a Thomas adaptation of 'My Beautiful Launderette' or something similar.

    Did see some Thomas collectibles in Queensland and thought you might like them, but it was either a matter of buying those or another glass (or five) of wine. Besides, I thought the postal service might break them in transit and deprive you of the pleasure of smashing them yourself.

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  19. An adaptation perhaps entitled "My Beautiful Engine" ??? Hmm... me thinks that sounds like there is less washing powder involved and substansially more grease....

    Ahhh you thought of me PB..how sweet! (Even though you couldn't bring yourself to part with your hard earned cash. Humph.) Although, yes I do agree purchasing some Thomas collectibles would be a complete waste of money. Oh but the pleasure if they had arrived intact... that tender sweet moment as I carefully careessed...

    ...the mallet before I raised it high......

    And down, down, down smashing Thomas into a thousand tiny pieces...

    Breathe in, breathe out Mrs T....

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  20. Hmm..got a bit distracted there with thoughts of Thomas..

    Now Tamera, about those granny knickers. HELP, I need an explanation..what are these pull-up strings??? Are these some freakish American device for assisting big bottomed girls to get their knickers on?? I know not! Or do you mean those kinky ones with the little laces on the sides that you can whip off in a jiffy for fast action release??

    I was definately thinking of extra strength, super reinforced elastic knickers. I will concede to the purple lace though and perhaps a little slogan on the botty... what d'you reckon.." Kiss me quick" ??

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  21. Mrs B... I am liking the way you think. However, I can see a small pitfall.. In January we would have lots of power when the gyms are full with people honouring their new year resolutions but by February there may not be enough energy to boil a kettle.

    But I do sincerely believe you are on to something.. personally I would pay to see Paula Radcliffe with a cable stick down her pants... there would even be the possibility of her electrocuting herself....

    I'm working on a new idea at the moment. Apparently the methane resulted from cows (You know what I mean, but I'm a delicate lady so I won't mention it) it vast and contributes to global warming. Therefore, all we need to do is to find away of converting methane into a energy source.... I'm thinking of something on the lines of The Cowpat Energy Converter....

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  22. Oh gosh, I hadn't thought of that! It would be like those wind turbines when no wind blows ... It's back to Sy's 'colouring in' room for me!

    (Later) Hmnn ... methane ... cow pats ... isn't methane rather flammable? Could someone not devise a methane-gas burning oven in which Mrs T could continue to burn the Turley Pizza Surprise? Just a thought ...

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  23. I believe Idea #1 will be the most beneficial to the world and Mrs. T. I dare say, why settle for the flat-screen when they should just have Mr. Brosnan meet you in person? Sounds more productive and fun for someone willing to 'donate' her energy to the world. :)

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  24. I hope this isn't too crude but am I the only one who remembers this movie? (Translates to - Who will admit to)

    http://movies.nytimes.com/movie/43930/The-Sex-Machine/overview

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  25. Mrs B,

    A methane gas burning oven? Excellent, excellent Mrs B. Now we are getting somewhere. A few brains together works wonders. (Unless of course, you're a member of The Labour Party when it just spells trouble.)

    I shall have to think about how I could modify The Hot Air Vacuum solution to enable it to be used for cows....

    Mewie,

    Ooo, that does sound much more fun! But Mrs T is only fortysomething and Mr Brosnan is fifty something. I just don't think he will be able to keep up! After a hour or two he may pass out... oh well, maybe I could get Daniel Craig to lie in as a replacement....

    O Mr I, I don't recall having ever seen or heard of this film which is unusual for me! Hmm.. does it hint of a mis-spent youth or some late night viewing at college with the boys?! Oh how naughty... Although it does sound like it has the potential to be a very funny film. I shall have to find a copy and review it! (For Art's sake of course and no other particular reason...)

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  26. The thought of being nominated to distribute the worlds cash sent me weak at the knees! I know i'm not the right person but I'm definately putting my name forward! great post.

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  27. here here. Well done. I applaud your ideas

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  28. Gary,

    That job is mine!! Get your no good thieving hands off! No one's gonna stop Mrs T from becoming Supreme Financial Ruler...

    Btw Congratulations on the publication of "Fat Tuesday". Of course I now know what it means... perhaps I should have paid attention to those French lessons at school...

    Onedia... Thank you! Good to see you around!

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  29. I'm rooting for you Mrs T. When you're handing out the chocs pliss to remember I'm diabetic and eat only the sugar free variety. Im also partial to exotic fillings .

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