Saturday, September 27, 2008
Six ways to change the world
I have to thank Mr Intrepid over at Intrepid Ideas for the inspiration for this post. Apparently Google are running a competition with a $10, 000,000 prize. Wow! The prize is justifiably big as they are looking for ideas that might change the world. Well, I had a think and these are some ideas I came up with;
1. I will create a renewable energy source. This is how it will work; I will be strapped into a chair with electrodes on my hands, feet and head that will transmit energy impulses from my body to a battery that will then generate enough electricity for the whole of the UK. How will this concept actually work? Ok… I will be forced (and I use that term lightly) to watch moving images and stills of Pierce Brosnan in compromising positions on a giant sized film screen…. Obviously my resulting body heat will bring me close to spontaneous combustion but in view of the benefits to mankind I feel Google will be impressed. Of course, should I begin to cool down at any point I must also be subjected to pictures of George Clooney, Kevin Costner, Daniel Craig……..
Like minded woman all over the world will be asked to participate thus providing a new and completely renewable energy source.
Pure genius eh?
2. I will halt global warming. I will do this with the aid of 2.5 kilos of potatoes and a Le Crueset saucepan.
How is this possible? Well have you ever lifted a Le Crueset saucepan? Blimey, are those things heavvvvvy. I refuse to have any… even the thought of them brings me out in a sweat and I don’t fancy working out at the gym just to pick up the damn things. I have relations who own Le Crueset and I’ve worked out that if you fill them with potatoes they are in fact deadly killing machines… so if you want to finish of your granny and inherit a fortune just give her a Le Crueset saucepan. With the strain of carrying it she’ll be dead by Christmas.
So how will this halt global warming? The answer is simple. Global warming will continue until some disbelievers/politicians get off their backsides and do something about it or they are…. “Removed.” (Know what I mean?) Of course, using an AK47 assault rifle would be quicker but I feel any “removal” must look accidental…. A little bit of water on the floor, a Le Crueset saucepan on the head… and whoops..... cynical politician is no more…
I will also head a secret agency called MI5LC (The British Secret Service - Military Intelligence, Le Crueset Division) and I will be known, amazingly as…. Not M, not J, not T but… but…. Mrs T. The Mrs T. My deadly cohorts and I will stalk disbelievers of global warming and eliminate them...thus allowing effective solutions to be put in place quickly……
(Hmm.. that idea really appeals I’ve always fancied being in the secret service….However, I don’t qualify because according to all the thrillers I’ve read a female secret agent must be at least 5ft 10in, beautiful, a black belt, fluent in 5 languages, an expert marksman and familiar with explosives.
Regretfully, I don’t qualify on any of those accounts. Except the explosives of course…….cos you know what? And this will come as a surprise to you…me and the microwave just don’t get on……)
3. I will solve the current world financial crisis. The answer to this is easy; we all know that there is plenty of cash in this world it just needs to be distributed fairly. What we need is to appoint a thoroughly honest and trustworthy person to administer it.
As a certified “Honest Blogger” I put myself forward for this job… I will be unequivocally fair and scrupulous; world crisis solved!
“Ssssssh…Ok Mr Intrepid… that’s 10 billion for me, 5 billion for you, ½ a jam sandwich for Bill Gates, 10p for Gordon Brown and a kick up the backside for Mr Bush….”
4. I will increase recycling efficiency. Well I can’t take all the credit for this one - but by using the threat of my Le Crueset Saucepan I will force the entire Women’s Institute to knit recyclable carrier bags made from used plastic carrier bags, thus reducing the need for throwaway plastic carrier bags and the epidemic of castaway products. I read about a British woman who actually does this; to which I say…. Obviously this woman is a member of the WI …. and hurrah for British madness! There’s nothing like it! The knitted bag will be a precursor to Tinfoil Jumpers, Cardboard Trousers (A bit rough on the skin but I bet some folks out there will enjoy it), Paper Doily Knickers (Oooh!) and The Baked Bean Tin Brassiere….
5. I will solve the epidemic of obesity by manufacturing an appetite suppressant. This wonder pill will be based on my own (carbonized version) of The Turley Pizza Surprise….. I can vouch for the success of this recipe as my boys are supremely physically fit with not a pound of unnecessary flesh on them. (Unlike myself of course… experience has taught me to not to eat my own cooking and just suck on chocolate all day….)
6. In addition to The Turley/Brosnan Renewable Energy System I can offer an alternative solution. It will be the called the Hot Air Vacuum Solution. Politicians who spout lies, rhetoric and “hot air” and also certain celebrities (Obviously I mean Tom Cruise) will be encased in a giant dome where they can spout drivel to their hearts content. The resulting hot air will be collected and used to power massive energy turbines. When they’ve exhausted themselves arguing amongst each other they will be allowed to rest and substituted by celebrity chefs……
Well there you go; 6 easy ways to change the world and earn me 10 million bucks.
What d’you reckon am I in with a chance?
Copyright Jane Turley 2008
Okay.. I know..time to think of something sensible....