Sunday, October 12, 2008

Books and me.

Oh poor Mrs T has a cold. It started in my throat and head and then went to my dose. I ate it when it’s in my dose coz den I can’t dalk prowperly…..

Anyway, thought I’d do a quickie post. This is a tag from Master Sy in which I have to tell 6 book related things about me… so here goes….

1.The worst book I’ve read recently is The Love Bug by Zoe Barnes. I bought it at the library clearout for 20p. I had some loose change in my purse and I decided to buy one book from every genre that was in the clearance pile. This was the Chick Lit one and I was attracted to the pink cover like I am to candyfloss but in the same way that I find candyfloss too sweet so was this book. In fact it was like a sweet that one rolls around the mouth and then spits out. Yep, it was soooo bad I couldn’t be bothered to finish it. 20p was way, way too much; it made Thomas the Tank Engine look like a work of sheer utter genius. I was tempted to ceremoniously dump it in the compost heap but I gave it to Mrs B instead… just for verification of my opinion. (She agreed.)


2. The next book I’m going to read is Fat Tuesday by Gary Davison. Gary is a buddy of Paul Burman and Fat Tuesday is his first published book which was released last month. I’m intrigued to read this book because I know Gary likes chocolate in a big BIG way. So I’m just plain old nosey and want to see what he’s writing about. Hopefully, it’ll ooze descriptions of gigantic bars of chocolate taking over the world but if it’s not I’ll settle for a cracking good thriller. Also he lives Up North and I want to see if there’s anyone from The North who knows the full alphabet. Oh dear, did I say that? How terribly politically incorrect. (Hurrah!)


3. The most irritating character in a book I’ve EVER read. Well actually it’s not Thomas The Tank Engine, Postman Pat or even Fireman Sam it is NODDY. Yikes was that kid annoying or what?? And such a selfish, grasping little swine charging toys a whole sixpence to ride in that silly yellow car. I give people FREE lifts in my car if they ask nicely, clean it out, wash and polish it and fill it up with petrol. Not much to ask in return for a trip of a lifetime with a Hot Shot Motor Babe like myself... and I’d just like to say I have not driven into anything lately. At all. Not in the last 72 hours anyway. Although, it’s very possible that my insurance policy might have gone up last week for some strange inexplicable reason…….

Damn, that jet powered engine and the underwater propellers……..

4. The most annoying book I’ve read in the last year was Simple Genius by David Baldacci. Here’s a quick review. Simple, yes. Genius, no. Okay why should I be so damning? Well Mr Baldacci’s female characters got right up my dose. I like thrillers so I can live with stereo typical portraits of women if the plot is good. BUT here’s a brief description of the first 3 female characters introduced;

a) Michelle Maxwell; tall, good looking, long dark hair, natural athlete, Olympic rowing gold medallist, exercise fanatic, possesses “various” black belts, ex secret service, PI…. In the first chapter she picks a fight with a big black guy; “She could be nearly as dangerous as a bomb wrapped terrorist and was looking for any reason to put her foot through someone’s front teeth…”

Yep, really, really believable. Women don’t pick fights with big black guys…they pick fights with big black bars of 70% cocoa chocolate (and they always win.)

b) Sandy, late forties, blonde, immaculate presentation.

Oh I forgot…crippled in a wheel chair…..

c) Alicia, redhead “The loveliest women he’d ever seen,” mathematician and linguist.

Oh I forgot… she has an artificial aluminium leg…..

I’m sensing Mr Baldacci has an obsession with women’s legs (or possibly lack of them).Now I’ve contemplated this novel seriously and I’ve come to the conclusion there’s only one ingredient missing….

Heather Mills McCartney. (Cameo obviously)

5. A book I read to cheer me up when I’m feeling blue is The British Medical Association’s The Complete Family Health Encyclopaedia. Sounds a little strange I know but when I read this I realize how lucky I am not to be inflicted with some very strange and awful illnesses. I’ve been working my way systematically through the encyclopaedia and this method has always worked for dragging me out of any depression.

Until last night that is when I reached Mental Illnesses…now I’m not feeling quite so good…..

6. My own book which I referred to some time ago; The Turley English Dictionary is making good progress. If you remember this book is unique because I list the standard meaning of a word and then the correct meaning. Some of my earlier definitions can be found HERE. However, for your perusal, here are a few more of my recent definitions to encourage you to buy this masterpiece when it comes on the market;

Housewife

Standard definition.
A woman who wears a pinny, cooks, cleans and obeys the rules of her Lord and Master.

Correct definition.
A short fat women in her forties who wears a T shirt emblazoned with “Make my day; quit nagging me.” She has no idea about cooking, has not slightest interest in cleaning and steadfastly annoys her husband with fantastical tales of one day becoming a writer. (And celebrity chef.)

Child.

Standard Definition.
The offspring of an adult which has not yet reached maturity.

Correct definition;
A small (although sometimes can be annoyingly large) humanoid creature. Cannot look after itself in anyway at all unless in possession of its mother’s purse and at the sweet counter. Both small and large versions usually have odious underpants.

Cat.

Standard definition
A four legged mammal worshipped by ancient Egyptians.

Correct Definition
A four legged mammal which vomits and excretes continuously on carpets and which may soon be mummified.

Le Crueset Saucepan

Standard definition
A French manufactured cooking pot.

Correct definition
A French manufactured lethal killing weapon. Unfortunately, the French failed to develop it until after WWII.

Frog

Standard definition
A four legged reptilian creature known for its ability to hop.

Correct definition
A Frenchman known for his ability to hop. (Backwards)

Tommy.

Standard definition.
Slang for a British soldier

Correct definition
Appalling musical starring Roger “Something went wrong with my perm” Daltrey.

Idiot

Standard definition
A foolish person

Correct definition
George Bush

Menopause

Standard definition
A period of a woman’s life where her fertility decreases.

Correct definition
A period of a woman’s life where hair loss precedes the onset of madness.

Madness

Standard definition
The loss of sane and rational thinking.

Correct definition
Mrs Jane Turley, Housewife Extraordinaire.

Copyright Jane Turley, a menopausal mad fool.

12 comments:

  1. I hope you feel better soon, Jane! ;o))

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  2. Thanks for the warning on these! And for the heads up on Gary's.

    Don't you hate when men write ridiculous women characters?!?! You know they are creating their fantasy women and it makes me want to whack them upside the head. (Gary, I hope you don't fall into this category!)

    And I think your dictionary is brilliant. Especially since while making my bed this morning I stepped in cat vomit in my bare feet. We must have the same species of regurgitating cat.

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  3. Mrs. T, I am praying for your health! May you be rejuvenated so you can continue to be at your best. :)

    Hilarious vocabulary explanation. Although I am a cat lover, I laughed out loud at the mammal's re-definition. So true! lol

    Take good care of yourself - actually, I hope the Turley family is taking good care of you these days. That's what family is for anyway. :P

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  4. Tamera,

    Thanks for the wishes. I think it's going to be one of those protracted ones as this morning it appears to have gone to my chest. Obviously, I'll have to console myself with some nourishing foods...

    Marie,

    I enjoy escapism. (You'd never have guessed would you?) And I suppose when I'm reading a thriller I like to imagine the hero as a suave, sexy type and I'm sure men like to do the same with women but I feel Mr Baldacci was really pushing his luck too far in this one with his portrayal of women. I just thought it was all a tad silly.(Yes, says me!)

    Ah the delicious squelch of cat vomit between the toes! One of those feelings that you stays with you forever...

    I have three cats and recently threw away my slippers because one of them had successfully vomited inside them. Lovely.

    Mewie,

    Thanks for the good wishes. I am a little under par at the moment but I will press on manufacturing my delicious meals and be diligent, as always, with my cleaning...

    Perhaps when I've exhausted myself I'll have to write some more dictionary entries...(Unless I get attacked by a hoard of vicious Frenchmen wielding Le Crueset saucepans...)

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  5. I assume that you asked for your money back for that 20p Zoe Barnes book? It is not like you can sell it and make a profit after all.

    The worst piece of literature I have read recently was called "The governments guide to everything: 200 reasons why your life it worse off for having Brown running the country". I say worse piece because it is ALLLL true.

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  6. This is my favourite post of yours to date, Mrs T. the Heather Mills cameo finshed me off, which didn't take much doing after the aluminium leg! I just hope mine fairs better than the rest on this post!!!!

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  7. Admiral Awesome,( AKA Master SY),

    Are you having delusions of grandeur again?? Those tablets don't seem to be having much effect do they??

    I tried getting my 20p back but the Librarian just laughed in my face. She said I should have known better than to buy any book with a pink cover which is absolutely true; I had a temporary lapse of good judgement and I've had to suffer the consequences; not only do I not have my 20p to buy my little rubber balls from the kiddie's dispenser at the swimming pool but also I had to suffer a hideously stupid story. On the plus side, I do get some tinder for the fire which can be quite expensive these days.

    That is an interesting book you refer to. Interestingly enough, I have just sent Mr Brown a small personal gift - The British Rail Timetable for London to Glasgow.

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  8. No need to worry Gary; I'm open to bribes.

    Just make it a big bar will you I'm feeling peckish.

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  9. Jane, The Turley Dictionary is fantastic. Looking forward to some more witty definitions. :)

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  10. Oh, Jane, I fear you've gone too far. Not only do I have to spring to Noddy's defence:
    *at least he showed some immoral fibre when he stole Mrs Teddy Bear's sixpence (give him credit for this)
    *if he'd have been allowed to make friends with the golliwogs instead of that condescending Big Ears, he'd have had a much more interesting life
    *how would you feel living in a totalitarian Toytown state where Policeman Plod is constantly finding excuses to knock on your door, confiscate your little yellow car and lock you up in a cell for the night?

    BUT I have to point out your flawed logic with regards the cats.

    You threw away your slippers because one of the cats vomited in one of them?@#!$?

    The vomit came out of the cat, ergo cats also have vomit in them, ergo you should be throwing away the damned cats and not getting rid of your slippers!

    No wonder you have a cold, Jane.
    Not that you're complaining about it of course...

    I see through you. This is just a ruse to elicit sympathy from your readers and to encourage them to send you Red Cross packages of chocolate. No chocolate from me -- not until you apologise to Noddy, Postman Pat, Ivor the Engine, Uncle Tom Cobbley 'n' all.

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  11. PB Outrageous! OUTRAGEOUS!! How could you accuse Mrs T for angling for Red Cross packages?? I am laid up in my bed, barely able to breath, not even able to stretch out my hand to switch on a Pierce Brosnan movie... Oh what a heartless cruel man you are!

    And I will never, never apologise to Thomas, Ivor, Pat and especially not to that whinging little moaner Noddy!!

    I totally support PC Plod in his quest to imprison the little sneak. In fact Noddy should be chained up in Toytown square and publically punished by lots of small children wielding tomatoes, sixpences and (hard back)copies of "Noddy Gets A Packet."

    I'm all for totalitaranim - what I could do to bring sense to this mad, mad world...Ban children's books, introduce compulsory chocolate for women over 40...Fire all English teachers...

    I do agree, however, that the cats should go. But alas, Master Benedict has a fondness for the furry creatures and indeed all animals. Indeed only yesterday he asked me how long it was to Christmas... about 10 weeks I replied...

    " Perhaps someone will give me a chicken," he mused from the back of the car...

    And I'd thought he'd forgotten.

    Still even if I can't get rid off the cats I am resolved to put Master Benedict's slippers next to his bed.....

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  12. Funny, Funny, Funny,... I've read your post three times now. I see the definition of Idiot has now gone global. :) Here's hoping you're feeling better!

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