Tuesday, September 2, 2008

My 51st post! (Brace yourselves; it could be worse than normal!)

Before the final (and rather late) instalment to my quest for The Blarney Stone, I just like to say…

Cripes, my last post was my fiftieth and I’m going to make a whole post out of my achieving the grand number of 50 posts! Kinda cheating don’t you think? But who cares, it’s more fun than cleaning the fat out of grill pan, de-scaling the kettle and certainly the hideous task of scrubbing Master Sam’s underpants.

However, whilst blogging is fun it is not as good as throwing darts at a picture of Tom Cruise which is extremely satisfying. My accuracy has certainly improved since I started using Mr Cruise as a target; I’m not sure why… maybe it’s because I haven’t felt the same way about Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs since I saw T
op Gun. I did briefly try substituting a picture of George Clooney but my accuracy diminished overnight. In fact, for some peculiar reason, I found myself strangely attracted to George’s sexy, stimulating, tanned, well-hot body and polishing it lovingly with my duster. Hmm…strange. I mean it’s not as if Mr Cruise is unattractive it’s just next to George his weapon doesn’t look so Top Gun. In fact it looks rather like a Mission Impossible. Yeah, that’s what happens when you look at a Vanilla Sky and think that A Few Good Men from Far and Away with All The Right Moves can stop The War of the Worlds with a lethal Cocktail the Colour of Money and pretending you’re the Last Samurai. Here’s a tip Tom… GET OVER IT MAN. (Not Katie obviously; you’re way too short. Yeah, you know exactly what I mean Readers… but I’m not mentioning it for fear of persecution by strange aliens with short legs and funny noses.)

Boy, John Travolta gets everywhere doesn’t he? Still naming a film after yourself is a bit much isn’t it? Honestly, you would have thought someone would have told him that “Get Shorty” wasn’t a good idea.

Did you hear there’s a new film out soon called “Get Mrs T”? Apparently, a group of cerebrally under developed mammals but with short, powerful legs chase down a superior being in the hope of seeking justice. Unfortunately, they lose. Something to do with barbecue tongs and pickle forks. Watch out for it; it’s coming soon to a cinema near you soon.

Sorry about that folks. Just an late night rant. However, in a rare moment of affection ( The kids are back at school tomorrow I'm feeling generous) for Mr Cruise I’d just like to say he was great in
Born on the Fourth of July. Watch it. The fireworks up his derriere were just great. (Just kidding.)

By the way here’s a Mrs T tip for cleaning the grill pan… Leave the dish on the floor by the cat bowl and by morning it will be sparkling like a diamond! (What’s more for once you’ll actually take pleasure in seeing the cat throw up - knowing it has nothing to do with those ghastly hairballs it usually deposits on your slippers.)

Oh, here’s also a tip for de-scaling the kettle. Don’t waste your money on all those special lime scale removers; just turn the kettle upside down and bash it with a sledge hammer. (Not only will this save you money but all your friends will complement you on your taste in fashionable kitchen accessories.)

I suppose I might as well give you a tip for removing stains from men’s underpants.

OK, I can’t think of one. So I suggest you just get a brown crayon and fill in the white spaces.

Well, I did say this might be a little daft, didn’t I?

Now what was I talking about before I got onto little Tommy and men’s underpants? Oh yes… I started blogging in
Dec 2007; it was sort of a new year’s resolution. (Well actually Mr T was away with his parents, I was tipsy and I had nothing better to do.) Anyhow, despite the ad hoc manner of my posting I’m really pleased I’ve managed to keep it up so far. But you know we women have many whims (well I do) so any time now I may give it up and take up ballet dancing instead. (Hmm… those tablets the doctor gave me don’t appear to be helping me with the delusions….)

Now I know probably all of you out there have done more than a mere 50 posts. In fact I know for certain Mr
Intrepid has recently passed his 100th, Master Sy has also passed his 100th and Usha has passed her 500th!! And I’m sure all you other bloggers out there have done equally well too. But nevertheless I’m is pretty pleased with my paltry 50 and I’ve had such a fun time writing and reading blogs and making some wonderful friends all over the world. So a big Thank You to everyone that has contributed to making the experience so enjoyable and that includes all you folks who just read my silly musings.

Well this seems a good as time to say an extra Big Thank You to
Tamera over at Simplifying Life and Love for giving me this award recently and also nominating me for Best Humour Blog 2008.( Okay, I 've just checked my votes..what only 6?? What's wrong with you all?? I've also just realised Tamera has also nominated me in two other categories. Oh dear, I'm pathetic and I didn't even realise. Thanks Tamera!) Now I know it says “was” on that humour widget on the top of my page but actually the competition is still running so perhaps it should read “is” rather than implying the competition is done and dusted.


I know, I know, I'm no saint and a little bit lapse on the grammar stakes myself from time to time.( Especially when I’m in my hip hop trendy mum mode and I’ve got my baggy jeans on that fall down between me legs, me ripped tee-shirt and I’m gettin’ down in the der groove.) But bad grammar really does annoy me.
So read this. Anyway, being the pain in the arse that I am, I decided to email the administrators to point that out this rather major technicality with the following sophisticated and charming email;

“I have been nominated for the 2008 best humour award. So I "claimed" the blog and got the widget thingy.... but is it the right widget thingy 'cos it is in the past tense? No doubt I have done something wrong, but would you mind explaining as I'm just a housewife and a slightly deranged one at that and technical stuff is beyond me. However, dishcloths are a speciality; I will happily instruct you how to use them in exchange for the appropriate information. Alternatively, just the information will do.”

Believe me, this was pretty tame compared to my draft email which contain the words “idiots”, “useless”, “up”, “ balls” and “Bushism.” Yes, that is “Bushism” as in the man (well that is questionable) who lives in Washington DC. However, I ‘ve worked out if I play the "Stupid Woman With No Brains At All" card, it works a lot better than looking like I have more than two brain cells. Take note ladies; this works especially well with garage mechanics, plumbers, electricians and carpet fitters.

Unfortunately, it does not work well with husbands. Damn.

Anyhow, I received this reply below from the Customer Love Department . Yes, that’s correct! The Customer Love Department!( I also received a packet of condoms but that’s a much longer story which I don’t feel is entirely suitable……)

“Great observation the badge does say 'was' and can be construed as past tense. It should be 'is' I’m curious myself why that is. You have done nothing wrong and are on your way to hopefully gather more votes for your blog even if it says 'was'. The badge will still gather voters to vote on your blog and that is it's purpose. I'll have our marketing team consider changing the wording for the badges. In just a few weeks there is going to be a redesign of this site and I'll try to get that thrown into the new stuff we have planned. Good luck with the voting!”

Umm… this was back in February. Need I say more? Except perhaps that I should have written…

“This is back in February.”

Oh dear, that rather pathetic joke rather tickled my fancy. If only Mr Clooney would tickle my fancy too - then I’d be one well happy middle-aged woman. Hmm, I can just imagine the gossip at parent’s evening too. Ho, ho ho.

God, this fantasy world I live in is bloody marvellous…….

Anyhow, if you want to, you can still vote. And I’m not going to beg or grovel like
Master Sy. I’ll just say… have you seen that film Predator? You know - the one where the invisible alien hunts down all of an American Special Forces team and murders them one by one? No? Might be a good idea before you make any decision.

I also suggest that Barack Obama uses the Predator technique. Well, why not? Mr McCain seems to be playing a little unfairly. Hmm… perhaps at this juncture I should point out that McCain is a brand of chips in the UK. I find them a tad bit greasy myself. When they’re like that they just don’t taste that good. Know what I mean? But Black Pudding… that’s a different story altogether…

Now back to that award form Tamera. As a recipient this is what I have to do;

1. Select 5 blogs that I believe deserve this award for their creativity, design, and interesting material or for contributing to the blogging community. (So that excludes just great ogling sites then? Hmm..shame. I’m rather partial to
Pierce Brosnan’s website.)
2. Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog .
3. Each recipient must then show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.
4. The award-winner and the one who has given the prize has to show the origin of the award which is
http://arteypico.blogspot.com/

Hmm… well this is very tricky indeed. Now a while back I gave a mention to
some of my favourite blogs so I’m not going to deliberate too much because I hope you all know that I appreciate all the blogs I read in so many different ways. Therefore, I am going to use this opportunity to mention some recent finds and one or two old favourites.

So here goes….and in no particular order…

No 1 Goes to Marie over at
Nourish whose blog is a fairly recent find. Marie is my kind of woman. She struggles with bad health caused by MS and has a particularly bad time this last year after losing her job but all the time I have been reading her blog she has faced her adversities with humour and courage. She makes me laugh out loud! And as for her parents….Good Lord it is a wonder the Marie is even sane. I am also deadly jealous of her because she only dreams about facial hair whereas I have a small beard.

No 2 Goes to
Paul Burman. Paul was the subject of my last post and if you’ve not bought his book yet, The Snowing and Greening of Thomas Passmore why haven’t you??! Do you really want Mrs T to come after you with a large pitchfork and her feather duster? ( Btw…I will happily accept indecent replies from any George Clooney look a likes.) Now Paul usually writes about books, but you can also find him At the View From Here with other literary musings. Paul is also an ace commentator who indulges my rather silly side. So hurrah for Paul!

No 3 Goes to Usha with her blog called
Ageless Bonding. Damn it, that is such a good title, I wish I’d thought it up! Usha has been blogging a long, long time and has a host of readers. And do you know why? Because quite simply, it is one of the best blogs in the blogosphere. No fancy gimmicks, just good old fashioned, thought provoking posts that exhibit thoughtfulness, humour and intelligence. Sometimes her blogs even tempt me to write something serious… and then I wake up.

No 4 Goes to Mewie. Now some of you may remember that Mewie closed his blog Sharing Life on Life sometime ago to concentrate on his novel but now he has restarted it under the title M.K Louie, Sharing Life on Life. Here’s what I like about Mewie. He’s intelligent, thoughtful, kind, and humorous and genuinely cares about other people and that transcends in everything he writes. Mewie is a Christian too. And I just like to say I’ve read some gibberish worse than my own (and let’s face it that’s pretty hard) about religion on the internet and I have no interest in fanatics of any sort of any religion. I also believe that all religions are inherently good; it is what fallible people do with them that make them into something they are not. Mewie represents everything to me that is good about religion and Christianity. He has the capacity to share his life and his love that many people do not have. More People should be reading his blog.

No 5. Goes to
Mark Stoneman for reawakening my brain. Need I say more? That’s an important role Mark. So keep up the good work. Cos one day I plan to write a thesis that will blow the minds of the academic world apart and reduce them to begging for my next piece of intellectual genius and in the meantime I need to practice using my grey cells.

Just in case you’re interested the title will be;

“How to the get the best out of your Brussel Sprouts.”

Right I’m nearly done now. Just a last minute thanks to Usha for giving me this award earlier this week.




I’m going to pass this one on at a later date as I’m exhausted now and there is a rather large bar of chocolate that looks very, very tempting on the sideboard………

Blimey, after all those honours my head is as big as my bottom. Hang, on let me just check...... Ummm.

On second thoughts... (Mrs T glances at her arse) Nope. That butt is still way, way, too big to warrant such a comparison.

See you all soon and take care,

Mrs T.

Ps..I've just remembered that Master Sy wrote one post - so this really is my 50th post! Hmm that's almost as spooky as the time I went to school with my slippers on. Yeah Ok, that wasn't spooky, it was just plain stupid. Ah well

Pps I've just been reading the BBC news headlines which says Bush has given his backing to John McCain. So well done Obama for his forthcoming victory ! Persuading Bush to support McCain was a superb political move. No one in their right mingd would vote for McCain now he's received the Kiss of Stupidity! Oh and I really think you all ought to read this by Onedia

Copyright Jane Turley 2008

21 comments:

  1. Oh Jane!!!! I'm number one?!?! Really!?! You literally have me in tears I am so honored. I'm not kidding.

    A couple of things:

    * My parents - you think I am sane?!?! Have you not noticed the trillion references to my therapist?! Sane I am not. Thanks Mom.

    * Speaking of celebrity ogling - David Duchovny just entered rehab for sex addiction. He lives right here in New York. He probably had no standards and would have done me, but, the story of my life, I missed it. :( Now he will be well and would gag at the sight of me.

    * I probably do not deserve this award simply for being a moron. Can I tell you how long it was before I realized you and your family were standing behind a picture board? I just thought you were incredibly brave to go out in public like that.

    And finally:

    You like me!! You really like me!!!!!

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  2. I am not standing behind a picture board. That is the real me in my furs looking like one well hot chick! And the boobs? Well, if Pierce ever hits on my blog he'll never be able to resist their delicious sagginess! What man could??

    Now Marie, tell me more about David Duchovny while I book my flight. Look, we all know about these celebs; they never kick their addictions! I bet you that within a month he is NOT saying

    " Yeah, sex was ruining my life. I just had too much of it, it was getting me down. Those girls, I just couldn't stand the way they groped my arse and sent me their knickers in the post....."

    You reckon? No way. He'll be back on the streets desperate for it, having been starved of sex for a whole month and forced to drink weird smoothies made out of brocolli and swede. The man will be panting for it!

    Right, so get your tent and sleeping bag out and pitch outside those gates now....

    Yeah, I like you, you crazy in need of therapist woman.....

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  3. Oh. (embarrassed) I just noticed the "...in no particular order..." disclaimer.

    Oh well, there is still the number one in front of my name and I am still on your list and I still love you!!!

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  4. Hee, hee , hee. That did kinda make me laugh but your enthuasism was so great I wasn't going to mention it!

    Mrs T like to be magnanimous on these matters.(And anyway just imagine if I'd put PB first??! He'd be bragging and showing off his train set and soldiers....)

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  5. Ooohhh!!! Your post count and my IQ just met up! Don't go posting another post too quickly as I am not ready to add that entire 1 IQ point to my intelligence. I am still trying to work out where the monkey is in my book. The naughty thing keeps changing places everytime I change the page.

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  6. You can't fool me with that comment about your IQ Sy. I got you sussed!

    An IQ of 50 eh? You are making some really wild claims there Master SY - get back down to single figures before I am forced to reprimand you in the strongest terms possible!

    Ps.At least the monkey isn't in your pants.

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  7. You know I am dyslexic dont you? 50? I read 05. But my typing also leaves a lot to the imagination (much like said monkey in my pants) and so I even typed that wrong!

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  8. Well I'm glad that's settled Mr Thicky Pants.

    Now what does "monkey" actually translate into in this strange world you live in??

    (Keep it clean - this is a family site.)

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  9. What do you mean what does the monkey translate in to? He is a monkey. He has long arms and legs, is cheeky and makes weird monkey noises!! And we wont even start on the poop throwing...

    And no, I am NOT the monkey!

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  10. Thank you for this delightful recognition and the kindest words, Mrs. T. They mean a great deal to me.

    I would love to expand more but I've been working overtime for my firm for the past two weeks... my poor wife is always calling me to go to bed and she'll be furious knowing that I'm NOT working at the moment and am still on the computer.

    I will come back to comment further... just wanted to express my thanks as soon as I could.

    Very appreciative,
    mewie

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  11. It's taken a while to get back to you, Mrs T., because the champers got the better of me. I knew there was a reason I avoided the stuff. It'll also mean I'll have to go through cold turkey all over again to shake off my return to this particular addiction. However, reading Marie's comment... I've never been able to fully understand what sort of warped mind invented the term 'sex addiction'. Isn't it a bit like saying people have a breathing addiction or a life addiction? Ain't it a natural instinct? How long before eating too much chocolate is seen as an addiction that requires therapy?

    However, it wasn't only the champers that delayed me. It was my confusion over a couple of your tips. Reading them in a slightly pickled state, I turned two into one. It was when the neighbour reported me for picking up her cat, turning it upside down and bashing it with a sledge hammer, that things got messy. (And no, a red crayon would not have helped.)

    The police insisted on taking me down to the station to breathalyse me or take my IQ or something, which is when I discovered I have something in common with Sy: 0.05 it is.

    Anyway, I'm sober now and this long ramble is by way of getting around to saying thank you for the blog award. Not only that, but for putting me first!!! I'll have to draw a Venn Diagram to work out the instructions, but it will appear on my blog before very long at all. But before I get to dear old Venn and my colouring pens, I'm off to set up my train set and toy soldiers.

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  12. Tamera is off to buy a cat! Brilliant.

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  13. tell me this is not one of your jokes - really it is me you referred to in that post? I am one of your favorites? I wish I knew the right word for my emotions right now. here I am, totally in love with your blog, evena bit awed, and then you say this to me!
    I think I am already incoherent with a mixture of shock, joy, embarassment, thrill, disbelief. Before I cry, let me leave and come back when I can handle this.

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  14. Dont worry Usha. Mrs T made me cry once. OK, so it was an unexpected kick right in the mummydaddy department followed up with some light stamping...but still, she might have done it with kindness. I wouldnt know. I was crying like a big girl!

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  15. Mewie... I wanna see that award posted on your site asap!

    Hmmm.. that situation sounds familiar! I'm glad to see are aware that a man should put his wife before himself. You will have a long and happy marriage!

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  16. Now than PB... do I take it you are admitting to being a past addict to champers?? How disgraceful! My image of you drunk and playing with your train set is one to behold...

    Now sex is definately a natural addiction but chocolate? I'm not so sure..there's certainly nothing natural about the large quantity stuffed in my pockets... and poor Mrs T can't even afford a therapist! (Personally I'm addicted to sex and chocolate... at the same time!! But ssh..don't tell anyone...)

    So you're not popular with the neighbours at the moment then? Poor, poor, pussy met an untimely end. What a sad story.. I can just see the headlines now;

    "Drunken author mistakes pussy for kettle."

    But what about the other way round;

    "Drunken author mistakes kettle for pussy."

    Well that has a certain ring about it doesn't it?! And rather painful too! Guaranteed front page in the Sunday Sport...


    I await the venn diagram with anticpation but I suspect it could be a long wait now that train set is out... choo choo....

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  17. Tamera; Ah yes there's an Old English saying which goes like this;

    " A dog is a man's best friend but a cat is a woman's next best thing to a dishcloth."

    Remarkable!

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  18. Ah Usha,

    Mrs T never jokes about such things as friendship. (Except when it involves train sets and peaked caps) Now Usha, why wouldn't you be one of my favourites? Your blog is remarkable. The amount of people who take the time to comment on it is your testimony.

    No need to be awe of my blog it is just silly musings of a silly woman with a heart bigger than her brain.

    Now Master SY..where did we leave off?? Bend over you naughty boy... it's time for your punishment...

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  19. "Therapist"? I'm shocked by your use of this Americanism, Mrs T. Scandalised and traumatised in fact. Doesn't seem like so many blogs ago when I was taken to task for using exactly this word. Hmm.

    And talking of scandal and trauma, your headline would not only make the Sunday Sport, but News of the World too (if it still exists). There'd be journalists aplenty, and the fire brigade in attendance as well, I imagine.

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  20. Forty-seven days later . . . Thank you. ;)

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I am always delighted to receive comments!