Thursday, January 24, 2013

Who would you like to send into space?

So a question for you, Dear Readers.

Who would you like to send into space?

And please don't say me. Because I care about you deeply and would be wounded beyond reason. And I also have a very, very long memory.

So long as it doesn't involve car keys, shopping lists or my glasses.

Anyway, I've come up with my top twelve people I'd like to send into space. Here we go:

1) Jocelyn Wildestein aka The Bride of Wildenstein. From a scientific standpoint, I think it would be interesting to know how a lack of gravity affects plastic surgery. Also, I'd like to know what happens to breast implants when a spaceships falls back to earth and bursts through our atmosphere.

2) Paul McCartney. I'm intrigued to see if space could make him sing any higher. I'm not convinced it's possible but I'll go with the experiment just so Stella McCartney can design some hideous spacesuit.

3) Gary Barlow. Just to see if he can write a song about it. God, I hope not.

4) Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany. It has certain irony about it when you remember Lebensraum.

5) Paris Hilton. Kim Kardashian. In the hope she never comes back.

Oh sod it, let's squeeze them both in.

6) Hugh Fearnley-Whititingstall, celebrity chef. I simply cannot wait to see if Hugh can cook some home grown, organic feast in space. The very idea of him watering cress seeds and crushing up vitamins tablets with a pestle and mortar in the outer reaches of the universe already has me quietly celebrating his ultimate downfall.

7.) A Teletubbie. I don't care which one. I just want to know if those aerials work.

I think I'll send Stinky Winky because he/she/it  has the most impressive aerial. Come to think of it they all look remarkably like The Bride of Wildenstein. Hmm... that's kind of worrying. (Picture courtesy of Wikipedia)

8.) Cherie Blair. Question: Can space improve your looks?

9.) Sting. Just because he gets on my nerves. I'm also interested to know how tantric sex works in a gravity free environment.  The trouble is I don't plan on sending Sting's wife - so he'd have to do it with one of the others which, if I'm being honest here, is a tad unfair of me even if it is Sting. Still he can duet with Sir Paul for some light relief. That should be fun. Sort of. In a sado/masochistic "fun" sort of way.

10.) Beyonce: I want to know if lip syncing works in space. Are there any significant time delays?

11) Sigourney Weaver. You've just got to have her, right? No way are the others gonna get back to earth without Sigourney kicking ass and shooting the f*** out of those aliens. And as I'm a fair woman I'd like to give the others a reasonable chance. (Ha.)
Ellen ripley.jpg
No one messes with Sigourney. Not even Sir  Paul, who despite all his achievements, hasn't kicked any aliens butts. I'll reckon he'll be the first to go. Unless he can sing his way out of it.  Although somehow if his performance at the Diamond Jubilee is anything to go by I don't think the Alien Bitch will be impressed.  Still, I guess he could take some pre-recordings with him and ask Beyonce for some advice.

12) My mate Tony. Cos he's dumb enough to want to. Please can you vote for him here. Honestly, this really is a genuine appeal. It really is. It'll only take a minute of your time and Tony will be really, really grateful. I thought Tony was winding me up when he asked me to put something on my blog - because a man who posts a profile picture of himself wearing cycle shorts on  Facebook has got to be suspect hasn't he? Anyway, it turns out Tony was actually telling the truth. He really does want to go into space. Gulp.

Ps - thanks:)


  1. Please, please ... make room for every celebrity chef on the planet! I beg you! Hang the experiments; just send 'em up there. I can't tell you how useless they are - apart from, maybe, Delia. If the recipe doesn't have 25 obscure ingredients, it will use every saucepan and cooking implement you possess. If it says it takes ten minutes to prepare, it will take an hour - and that's not counting the washing-up time. Do they ever suggest what to do with an obscure ingredient once you have used 2 per cent of it? They do not. Golly, I do sound cross, don't I? Have a nice weekend, everyone!

  2. Oh apologies Mrs B to be so late replying - in my head I had replied! (As you know there's a lot of stuff going on in there so I get confused easily.)

    You know I was saying to Mr T the other night as we watching ANOTHER celebrity chef "Just shoot the F******!"

    Okay I didn't exactly say that but what I did say was as I sat there watching another sodding episode of Hugh (Mr T rather fond of him) why isn't there a cookery programme that shows how to cook economy meals? I mean, with the recession and so many people on low incomes or out of work this is the stuff people need to know _ How to cook healthy means on a few pence (which also don't require picking mushrooms at dawn.)



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