I had a really weird dream last night.
I dreamt I met Ricky Gervais who asked me to audition for a role in his new movie as... Santa Claus.
(This could be quite a disturbing post. Be warned.)
So in preparation for my audition I asked the good Mr T to listen to me rehearse my speech in the deep bellowing voice like all Santa's should have. Sadly, Mr T was uber critical of my abilities so I stormed off in a huff to practise my song and dance routine.
Yes, I was going to star in a Ricky Gervais film as an all-singing, all-dancing Santa Claus.
You know, I'd always dreamt of starring in a Lara Croft type movie but what do I end up with? A singing bloody Santa. Life (and dreams) are so unfair aren't they?
Anyway, no matter how hard I tried, I could not remember the lyrics to the tune I was supposed to be singing. I was like an extremely bad X factor contender only twice as old and twice as stupid. At this point I woke up traumatised by the fact I was going to miss out on a glamorous Hollywood role because I couldn't remember the lyrics to a simple song.
This morning I still can't remember the lyrics - just the tune. Although it did possibly have the words "Everyone is crazy" in it and was probably sung by a 1980s American rock band.
Any ideas anyone?
In the meantime, whilst my brain is trying to work out which song it was I've also been trying to analysis my dream for any subliminal messages. So far I've come up with:
1) I have a crush on Ricky Gervais (This is actually news to me as I had no idea I fancied him at all. I mean when I dreamt about Hugh Grant I could sort of understand it....)
2) Ricky Gervais is trying to tell me I'm not funny or I'm telling him he's not funny. Or we're both not funny or Ricky Gervais is looking for a woman who likes dressing up as a bearded man who has a penchant for elves.
3) Mr T is not happy with my housekeeping skills. (I sort of knew that one - but I've been choosing to ignore it for twenty years. Maybe guilt is catching up on me.)
4) I'm fat.
5)I can't act.
6) I can't sing.
7) My memory is kaput.
So basically, it was one of those dreams you can't take any positives from. Now unless anyone out their can come up with anything even remotely encouraging for me I'm going to lie down for a long time. I don't think this getting old business is doing me any good at all.
Ps - whilst I'm lying down please vote for my friend Tony to go into space - see previous post.