I'm not one to beat about the bush, so I'm going to get straight to the point. What is it with this retiring business? You're only 60 - don't you know the government has plans for us to work until we're at least 75? Look, I know you've got a heap of cash but if folks like you don't pay enough in taxes people like me will get our old age pensions reduced from a mere miserly pension to a non-existent pension. And I fancy eating more than beans on toast in my old age.
Is it the reviews of Going Back? Is that it? Was it the negative feedback about not producing new material and covering Motown tracks? I really don't think you should worry Phil - the album went to No 1 and I loved it! Besides, all the albums reviews were written by jumped-up youths barely out of their nappies. They weren't even born before you started losing your hair. I mean, what do they know about music? They think rap is good whereas we old timers know that rap is pap and, in the main part, written by some failed Caribbean poets who just so happened to have a cheap set of drums.
Now, I know it says on your website you're retiring because you want to spend time with your kids but I'm a full time mother and I still find time to write my blog, protest at government cutbacks and pretend I'm writing a novel. Surely, surely, you can pen a few notes in between building train sets and playing Cowboys and Indians? Oh, and I really don't care if you think you were an Indian at the Alamo in a previous life. However, can I just ask - Do you think that's where the drumming influence came from? Anyway, I've got three boys; if you ever want some spare dressing up costumes just ask. I have a great Indian headdress.
By the way, I really recommend Thomas the Tank Engine as reading for your boys. In fact, how about putting it to music? Make it into a musical? You'd be doing the world a favour if you could drown out Ringo Starr's voice. Huh... The Beatles I bet you never really rated them either. Jumped up Liverpudlians.
Maybe it's the Genesis thing. Is that it? Look, you're getting older - no one expects you to make an album in 7 days anymore. Just get out the drumsticks and start tapping on the kid's Lego boxes. Put some nursery rhymes to music - let's face it Ba, Ba Black Sheep could do with a bit of an overhaul and as for The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round - I think that has great musical potential. Stick in a bit of synthesizer and getting Philip Bailey to the backing track and you have a sequel to Easy Lover.
Okay, so I know you've got problems with movement in the hands but, come on, I reckon you could clamp the drumsticks between your teeth and still outshine some of today's drummers. You could still write music though and get someone else to the drumming, couldn't you?. I guess you could even ask Ringo - so long as you make sure his microphone is cut off. I know you've had problems with your hearing too -but it's okay now isn't it? I hope so - otherwise you won't know when you're shouting at your kids and they may end up hating you. It would be a pity if the fatherhood thing backfired...
Anyway, what I'm trying to say Phil is - I really don't think you should retire. You're a legend! You've had more hit records than I've cooked burnt meals - and that's really saying something. So, please, please have a great time with your kids whilst they're young and then think about making some more music will you? I'm not going to beg because that's not my style but I would be prepared to send you some of my jam as a token of my affection.
Ps - I forgive you for the Tarzan soundtrack.
Ladies and Gentlemen - The One and Only Retired Phil Collins (with guest appearance by Philip Bailey!)