Imagine a rather naughty swear word, put it into a couple of sentences and you might get something that reads like this:
You can't be serious! What the F***? Damned no good stinking rotten ******* system. Unbelievable ******* decision. I blame that idiot, Blair. May he burn in the fires of Hell for all eternity!
Now I would like you to know, dear readers, that I wouldn't actually say that. Because I am, as you are aware, a sweet English rose brought up to be polite and good mannered.
I do, of course, think these things sometimes. My apologies to you all who thought my mind was also as sweet as my smile. I just can't help it. Sometimes I do actually think rude words - I don't mean to but I do. Sometimes I even think naughty things as well. In fact, today when American John Isner beat Nicolas Mahut at Wimbledon with a fifth set score of 70-68 in a marathon 11 hour match I thought to myself ...
I wouldn't mind being his girlfriend. (Cough, cough.)
Still, one can't everything. I guess if I'm too old for John perhaps if my boys make it to Wimbledon I might I'll pick up an old codger from the Member's Section and get some free Pimms.
I live in hope anyway.
Right, back to whatever it was I was going to rant about. Oh yes - what happened to me this morning to make me go mad. Now, I don't mean just ordinary mad like the time I got my parking ticket or the time I reversed into that car so creatively parked at the bottom of my driveway. I mean MAD MAD - you know, that kind of madness where you can't think straight and it totally screws you up for hours on end.
Hmm.....okay I was actually MAD MAD about those other incidents - so maybe I'm just losing it more regularly?
Cripes, maybe I need beta blockers.
Yep, so anyway there I was in the queue for the garage waiting for petrol when my phone rang. Being stationary, I decided to answer as I had a feeling that at 9.10 in the morning in all likelihood there was a problem with one of my boys.
And sure enough there was...Let me explain...
This morning Master Ben had a severe hay-fever reaction in the eyes. I gave him his allergy syrup and as it was a particularly bad bout I decided to put some eye drops in as well. I then put them in his cool box for school with the instruction to pass them on to his teacher should he need them later in the day.
So where was the problem I hear you ask?
I had sent the eye drops in a box which was marked with his brother's name.
So the school were refusing to administer them.
Now my pragmatic suggestion was as the bottle inside the box was unnamed - throw away the box and we can all go happily about our day.
Oh no. Nothing can be as simple as that. In fact, no amount of logical reasoning would procure any common sense. A rule is a rule. I was therefore obliged to make haste to the pharmacy and buy a replacement box ( not bearing Master Ben's name obviously) and take it to school as a substitute.
Will someone explain please?????????? Let me see...I exchange one bottle of eye drops for another bottle of exactly the same stuff but without any name on it. I waste about an hour of my day doing a completely nonsensical trip and spend the rest of the day totally wound up.
WHY, WHY, WHY?
Ah tis unbelievable, is it not folks? Absolutely unbelievable. And we wonder why British society is malfunctioning. Now I don't blame the people involved, I blame those mad policy makers who just won't let anyone think for themselves. And now everyone is too damn scared to step out of line. Nobody will take the smallest risk... and let's face it folks..it's a pretty big darn risk giving some eye drops to kid whose mother has irresponsibly sent them in the wrong box because her other two sons take the same medicine! Oh yes indeed, such a mother must be a child abuser in disguise, No doubt she has secretly replaced the allergy eye drops with a hideous acid in which to burn out her son's eyeballs.....no doubt she also plans to eat them!
Hmm....today's pathetic episode reminds me of another occasion with Master Jacob's school. In that instance, I forgot to put Master Jacob's epipen in his bag and duly took it into school, whereupon I was told they would not administer it because the expiry date was that very day (or the day after whichever way you look at it.) Again, no amount of logical reasoning would persuade the receptionist that his epipen was perfectly safe to use. That time I was so MAD MAD I kept Master Jacob out of school for three days. A bit of a strong reaction you might say but well I was just a tad cross...
And if you think both those instances are stupid then you'll love this story. Unbelievably, a 5 year old schoolboy who had climbed a 20 ft tree in the school playground was left stuck up it for one and a half hours because of the school's policy of non-interference. Apparently, helping the boy might actually procure a fall or worse encourage bad behaviour.
Now am I right in thinking that the school's policy is nuts? It was a 5 year old boy not a teenage hoodlum! Anyway, the good news folks is that eventually a passer-by rescued the poor boy. And what did the school do? They reported the rescuer for trespass on school property!
It's no wonder ordinary mums like me are going potty having to contend with these ludicrous rules.Whichever way I look at it, I just can't understand this level of political correctness. And as soon as our new government wise up to the what's been going on the better. Life's hard enough at times without all this mindless, nonsensical drivel.
Right, I'm getting off my soapbox.
(Well until the next time anyway!)