It's official. My organisational skills and memory have gone completely down the pan. I think when I hit 40 they flew out of my brain and left a big vacant spot in my head on which one might hang a sign that reads "Out of Order."
Well that's the polite way of putting it.
Anyway, the tipping point was last Saturday afternoon. I completely forgot about a tennis match that Master Jacob was supposed to be playing in - the first time since he started competing about 6 years ago. Now as it happens, he couldn't have played as that morning he'd sprained his ankle - but the point is I could have let the other folks know - so all together a bit of a bad show from Mrs T.
Anyway, as a result, last week I decided to buy a new diary and be committed to writing everything down and becoming a super efficient mum like so many of my friends. So I duly bought myself a lovely purple Filofax and filled in all the events for this coming week. Excellent. What could go wrong?
Okay, it's only Monday afternoon and I've already cocked up. As we were going to school this morning Master Ben said "I think it's Red and White Day." I was sceptical because on Friday it was a Mufti Day (dressing up day) in aid of the school fair. We've already had two dressing up days back to back earlier in the year - what were the chances of it happening twice? Umm...only 2:1 apparently ... because it was yet another dressing up day. Anyway, I couldn't turn back as Master Sam was starting his A Levels this morning and we'd set off early to make sure that he was there on time. So poor Master Ben had to go without a fancy dress costume. Again. ( But don't worry folks you can be sure the little rotter will make me suffer for my incompetency in due course....Oh yes indeed!)
But back to my memory loss. When I was younger I had a really good memory, so I just can't understand why my boys can never remember anything for themselves or until it's so late that I'm in panic trying to sort things out.
Am I being unfair... but do boys require more organizing then girls? I reckon if I rated my boys for their memory skills I would have to rate Master Sam as -10, (Yes, that is a MINUS sign ) Master Jacob about 0 (Zero) and Master Ben, the most reliable, is about...+4.
For example here's a conversation with Master Sam earlier last week;
Master Sam; Oh by the way, I decided to take A Level General Studies.
Mrs T: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! I thought you'd given that up! ( Almost passing out at this shocking revelation.)
Master Sam; I need a revision book.
Mrs T; Oh right. When is the exam? (Note; Master Sam had only informed me only a couple of days previous that he had finished school and was on study leave.)
Master Sam; Monday.
Mrs T; You have an exam on Monday and you're asking me for a revision book now?
Master Sam; Yes. (General looks of impatience.)
Mrs T; Oh alright, alright. What examining board is it?
Master Sam; I don't know.
Mrs T; You don't know?! I can remember what examining boards my papers were from 30 years ago!
Master Sam; Well I don't know......(sigh, sigh, sigh.)
Mrs T; Oh for God's sake..... (Opens bottle of plonk and takes large slurp....)
Anyway folks, I duly went upstairs and started looking on trusty old Amazon. Now, not knowing which examining board study guide to buy and knowing that it would take hours to navigate the school website to discover the information I decided to order an all encompassing General Studies book - you know one which attempts to cover all the subjects by all the boards. Alas, I discovered that all the cheaper ones were not available for dispatch immediately - only the £18.00 one was still available. Naturally, I was not best pleased. However, being a dutiful mother I ordered it, paid extra for first class postage and it arrived on Saturday - thus leaving Master Sam 48 hours to navigate the book.
Yep, a whole 48 hours! How's that for diligence?!
Hmm.... you know, If Master Sam didn't remind me of myself at that age I'd probably have strung him up by his balls.
However, that said, I had an excellent memory in my youth so I would have remembered to get a book considerably earlier .....
.....even if I didn't actually do any studying until the night before......
Anyway the story continues. On Sunday evening, anticipating a mad dash to school to get Sam there for his exam, I laid out all the school clothes and informed Master Jacob that he would NOT be missing the school bus and Master Sam and Master Ben that we would be leaving home PROMPTLY at 8.15 am.
So today at 8.10am....
Master Sam; Have you got a calculator? I'm not sure if I'll need one but just in case.....
Mrs T; What? A calculator? Why didn't you ask me earlier; we're leaving in 5 mins!
Master Sam; Well I wasn't sure......
Now I should point out Readers that Master Sam is 18 - I have probably purchased at least 6, if not more, calculators in the last 8 years for his usage. Where have they gone? Are they lying in some huge redundant calculator pile at school? Did the batteries die and he chuck them in the bin? What about the solar ones? Did they burn up?
Has he eaten them?
WHERE ARE THEY ALL???
And what sort of question does Master Sam think he will get in a General Studies exam that might require a calculator????
Let me think...
1. 50% of people believe in global warming, 45 % do not. Calculate the remaining percentage and explain why these people drive tractors.
2. If a British government is elected on 33% of the electoral vote, can you explain how and why the majority are not represented? You may use a calculator.
3. Your mother is Jewish. Your father is Muslim. You were born in the USA. What percentage chance is there that you will end up psychologically disturbed?
4. 75% of people believe in capital punishment, 20% do not. Explain what happened to remaining 5%.
5. You are a vegetarian. Your partner is a carnivore. How likely is it that your offspring will be a vegan? Explain your methodology.
6. What is the Greatest Happiness of the Greatest Number? Answers should be exact.
And so on.....
Anyway, fortunately I have my own calculator, which is easily located... so we did actually set off in time. And I will be placing my calculator in my desk drawer when it returns.
Should it ever return......
Anyway, despite having an appalling memory, which my children have obviously inherited in abundance, I can remember one song about memories. So here's Elaine Page singing Memories from the musical Cats by Andrew Lloyd Webber.