Thursday, July 1, 2010

The End is Nigh!

The day is coming. Yes, it is!

No, I'm not about to preach that the end of the world is approaching; I mean the day is getting nearer when I no longer have to do the school run.

Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah!

Sound the trumpets, wave the flags and blow the horns. Notify the Queen! I will be a free woman at last!

(Well, from 8am to 4pm anyway.)

Yes, finally, after 14 years of the school run, my two younger sons will be catching the school bus from the end of our road and my eldest will (hopefully) be going off to university. Believe me, as this day draws closer you've never seen a happier woman than Mrs T - except perhaps Demi Moore when she hooked herself Ashton Kutcher. (That was before she realised the cost of the extra childcare.)

Okay, okay get out your exercise book Mrs T...

I am not jealous of Demi Moore
I am not jealous of Demi Moore
I am not jealous of Demi Moore
I am not jeal..........

Look, there is something to be said for having an older husband! Umm.. When I discover what it is I'll let you know. In the meantime, what can I say?

I have an aversion to slippers.

Anyway, in preparation for Young Sam leaving the bosom of the family I have spent the last week or so researching second hand cars. And blimey, what a nightmare! I haven't even had time to blog what with the endless searching, insurance quotes and test drives.  Of course, Young Sam would happily settle on anything with 4 wheels - but when I suggested a scooter with some extra wheels he didn't take too kindly to the idea. Pity. I kinda liked the idea of him scooting down the bypass at 60mph - I think actually seeing daylight and breathing air instead of living in that darkened room with the fetid odours of decaying salami sandwiches would have worked wonders for his acne. Still, what am I to know? I'm only his mother.

However folks, since Yours Truly is forking out for this car I have noticed that Young Sam has been slightly more appreciative of my cooking. Hmm..what a duplicitous fellow. Does he think I can't work it out? Anyway, little does he know that I have plans for him this summer;

I am going to teach him how to cook! (No laughing please.)

Yep, the best Young Sam can presently do is warm up a tin of soup. And if, horror upon horrors, I should ask him to make a cup of tea he looks at me with a face like the president of BP might have when he finally realises the UK shareholders aren't going to let him have a bonus this year. Yep, you know the look that says;

What? I'm innocent! I swear to God I screwed that cap on really tight; it's not my fault it was a toothpaste cap! I blame my secretary she didn't send me a memo that I needed a bigger cap....."

Said the actress to the vicar. (Sorry couldn't resist that. Too easy.)



May I suggest we all cover our eyes and ears now before this catastrophe of film making is unleashed upon the world.

Hmm... I wonder; do they use midget replicas for those action sequences? Do you think the props man glues together Airfix models of F11s and then tells Tom to hop on in? Hmm...just curious....

Anyway, back to Young Sam. So I'm going to teach him how to cook. Now folks, I have actually tried teaching him before but he never takes me seriously. So this time I think I'll start with some of my simple recipes such as;

1. Pizza. Take off wrapper. Put in oven. Stand next to it so you can rescue it before it starts to burn.

2. Cheese omelette. Whip up 3 eggs with a little milk. (Remember to remove shells first.) Put in hot frying pan. When it looks a little firm add cheese and fold over into a pancake shape. When that fails mash it all up and make it into scrambled egg. Serve with beans.

3.Chicken curry. Dice up some chicken breast and fry in a little oil. Open jar of sauce and tip on top of chicken. Simmer for 30 minutes. When 27 minutes have passed, open packet of rice, place in microwave on high and cook for 2 minutes. Perfect.

4. Tuna and pasta speciality a la Mrs T. Boil some pasta, when cooked rinse under cold water. Add some tinned tuna and salad cream. Chill in fridge and Hey Presto one culinary delight!  (If feeling adventurous, add some tinned sweetcorn.)

5. Angel Delight. Open packet and whip contents with half a pint of milk. (If you pour in too much milk serve in glass as a milkshake.)

So that's my easy recipes. Not too too difficult to handle I feel. My spaghetti bolognese might prove a little more difficult - I have problems with that stringy stuff.

Anyway, don't think I'm stopping with just cooking folks; I also have plans to teach Young Sam how to clean the bathroom!  Now I have actually being making hints about his lack of bathroom cleanliness for sometime by using the following subtle remarks;

1. Oh my God...what is that?!

2. Bloody Hell...someone pass me the air freshener.

3. Cough, cough, splutter, splutter. SAM!!!!! Would you mind opening the window, I can't reach because I'm having convulsions.....

4. Sam..... do you have a problem you want to tell me about?

5. It's alright everybody; I've just fenced off the bathroom.

6. If that's a slug trail then I'm Coco the Clown.

7. I've only got rubber gloves Sam, not body armour.

8. Jesus, and I thought meconium was bad.........

9. HELP! There's a python down the toilet!

10. Pass the gas mask Sam; I'm too young to die.

11. Have you got a dead rat up your arse Sam?

12. So how's the experiment going Sam? Is is safe to turn the lights on?

And so on....

But so far he's just not getting the message. Now I don't really want to call my own son thick ...

But he's thick.

But is that intentionally thick or unintentionally thick? Is he pulling a fast one on me Readers by ignoring this problem? Hmm...Mrs T is perplexed. But one thing Mrs T does know is that all the males in her house have the same problem......

You know, I think I'm going to become a lesbian and move in with a woman. Bathroom cleanliness issue instantly solved.

Okay, I could have a problem in that I actually prefer men but well sometimes where needs must.....

Right... so I'm looking for a woman who is prepared to do all the cooking and cleaning and just let me slob around and do whatever I want. Any takers?!


  1. The dream of women such as me too Mrs T--a truly efficient housekeeper!

  2. The first thing I'll do when I win the lottery is hire a housekeeper Sue. In the meantime I'm going to build aircraft models and hope Tom Cruise gets a divorce:)

  3. Mrs T - please don't put me off just yet - my school runs are about to start this September. :-) I do appreciate the celebration though. 3 steps to convincing YS: 1) buy a wok and a stir fry cook book. My brother swears by it. And yes, I think he cooks with it too. 2) Let him watch the fat and thin person cookery programme where they have to eat each others' diets for a week. He'll not want to be as unhealthy as either and see merits of cooking. 3) Or last but probably best chance; female students LOVE a man who can cook. ;-)

    And if they clean too, he'll have any woman he wants. But OK, maybe you'd rather not think about that. ;=)

  4. Excellent recipe list, friend. I learned how to poach an egg last week. Ah, how did I live without YouTube?

  5. Way to sell it, Mrs T ("let me slob around and do whatever I want")!

    I'm also in that mode of stuffing in a few more essential life skills before my oldest son heads to college. What have we been doing for the past 18 years that he is still asking me basic laundry questions? He does cook a mean quesidilla though. His shirts may look dingy next year, but at least he will eat.

  6. Oh Jen, Jen, Jen... you know I'm not one to gloat..but I feel for you, I really do:)) May you enjoy the school run as much as I do:))

    Ah yes.. I fear Young Sam will be a total disaster at cooking - unless someone makes an Xbox360 game out of a cooking show... Hey, it's a possibility! A sort of Hanibal Lecter meets Gordon Ramsey platform game? Plenty of room for knives and culinary surprises....

    Sam and the ladies? Huh. No chance of me ever seeing him with one.... I asked him the other week whether there was a young lady on the scene and he replied;

    " I am NEVER bringing a girl home to meet you. You are far too sarcastic" (or words to that effect.)

    What did I do wrong?! I thought I was the perfect mother.....

  7. Lawyer Mom - I commend you for using YouTube. Excellent information tool- last week I learnt how to brush my teeth. A pity is was 20 years too late- maybe I wouldn't talk like Daffy Duck if I'd learnt earlier:)

  8. Heather,

    So you reckon I'd have no female takers then? I musy admit I am sadly disappointed by the lack of interest:))

    Oh God, I haven't even tackled the laundry concept yet. Hmmm.. I know: I'll get him to sniff the crotch of his jeans that should do the trick!!!

  9. Tee hee. By the way, I'm lovin' those recipes, Mrs T! Most of them are ones I just aspire to, but I think I could manage the pizza.

    Apropos of nothing, I just do not know where the last two weeks have gone. In culinary terms, they have gone nowhere but let's not go there ... Did I tell you about the sourdough mixture someone gave me recently? It came with idiot-proof (or so they thought) instructions like 'on day 3, feed Herman 250g of something and 100ml of something else ...' and 'by day 10, Herman should be bubbling nicely ...' Well, guess what? Herman gobbled most of my store cupboard and then went belly up. If you're interested, google 'Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall' but my advice is that life is too short.

  10. Mrs B, I am quite prepared to teach you some of my recipes if you can spare the time! I am nothing but generous with my cooking knowledge......

    Who is Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall?? Is he that fellow with the greasy hair who looks like he had a tussle with a chip pan?

    Cripes, you attempted to make that sourdough Mrs B? I lost the will to live halfway through point number 2.... I say use some standard bread mix and stir in some vinegar...that should do the trick in a fraction of the time.....


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