Thursday, April 18, 2013

The Birds are out to get me

Birds. I've had enough of them. Yesterday, I reported on some errant ducks and now this morning just as I was sleeping heavily the chickens started clucking and crowing at 5.45am. I staggered out of bed, precariously negotiated the stairs, filled up a bowl of grain, a tub of fresh water and stomped out into the garden cursing my chickens and wondering what would be the chances of passing off six dead chickens to Master Ben as a mild case of Bird Flu which didn't need reporting to the Health Authorities.

So I was grumpy after my interrupted sleep and annoyed with myself that I'd arranged an 8.20 am dentists appointment for the boys. I'm not sure why I do these things to myself - I should be like most other mothers and just take them out of school at a more acceptable time. Perhaps after I've had my elevenses and I've woken up. I think I do these things to myself as I'm a really diligent mother and I don't like to take the boys out of school when they could be learning their times tables. (Or just how to write really. That would be a good start.)

Oh alright. I won't go into an educational rant. I'm not due one for at least another 48 hours. Count yourself lucky.

Anyway, back to my being a diligent mother. So I try to be a really diligent mother - only I'm not so diligent as to remember the exact day I booked the dentist. Consequently, we turned up at 8.20 a day early. To be honest this isn't too bad for me as we have in the past shown up at the dentists a week early and even a week late. Don't ask me how but let me assure you it IS possible. And I'm not even dyslexic.

So then it was a case of getting the boys to school on time. Both schools are actually within walking distance of the dentists. Master Ben's school is about five minutes walk so he set off looking rather smug. This is probably because he knew he now had time to stop at the sweet shop and part with the few coins he usually has cunningly stashed away at the bottom of his rucksack. Master Jacob's school is about twenty minutes walk away which frankly should be nothing to a fine athletic young man who is a county tennis player and county cricketer. Unfortunately,  Master Jacob decided twenty minutes walk was too much as he'd dropped a shampoo bottle on his toe whilst in the shower. Now whilst this is true we are not exactly talking severe injury here or that he'd have to hobble his way across town like Quasimodo. We are talking a minor abrasion not a possible case of gangrene.

Yeah, so in the end I had to drop Master Jacob at school, got stuck in traffic across town and killed a pigeon on way home. (By accident: it was its own fault as it was flying without due care and attention.) What's more I didn't even get the chance to cut up Mrs S from the book club who was in front of me on the bypass. What a bad start to the day. It can only get better.

"Okay, Lads, this time it's War. That bitch has insulted the ducks, fed the chickens poor quality feed and now she's taken out Captain Blythe who was delivering her a reminder from the dentists. Arm yourselves with worms and maggots, brace your bowels - we swoop at dawn tomorrow."

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